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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 22/06/2020 16:00

Well, he is no friend and a wanker. No great loss to you.

LillianBland · 22/06/2020 16:02

[quote Shinebright72]@LillianBland I have 4 siblings (full)...... and I have other numerous siblings who I do get along with. HOWEVER it is not fair on the kids family’s can be complicated at the best of times even with ONE child. Never mind 3 kids by 3 different men!!!

Have you considered the CHILD and the differences it causes or were you that fucking quick to assume I was having a dig at op and others similar????[/quote]
So! There are a lot of us in the same boat, but there’s no need to judge other women for having children to different partners. You are projecting and judging people from a narrow minded viewpoint.

mnahmnah · 22/06/2020 16:06

Well that’s a wholly unacceptable, and disappointing, response with him. I would certainly consider this friendship to be done now.

Shinebright72 · 22/06/2020 16:06

@LillianBland “So” I was not judging. Just because they may be lots of you in the same boat. I don’t have to agree. MY OPINION. It’s not fair on the kids like I have stated it can cause many issues..... and all you have to say is so!! Disgusting.

The line has to be drawn some where it’s as simple as that.

plominoagain · 22/06/2020 16:10

Chill ? Fucking Chill ? Who the fuck does he think is , the arrogant , dismissive piece of shit ? Another one of the ‘ it’s just bantz innit ‘ mob - aka be an breathtakingly rude and insensitive arsehole hiding behind ‘humour’ to have a dig.

I’d forward it to his wife.

LillianBland · 22/06/2020 16:15

The line has to be drawn some where it’s as simple as that.

Well thank fuck you don’t get to dictate where that line is. Women have enough judgemental crap to put up with. Where’s your judgment for the men that have a child with these women that you judge so harshly, or is it always a woman’s fault?

OhYeahYouSuck · 22/06/2020 16:19

I would reply again to say 'you aren't funny and we are done, don't contact me again.'

Then block him. I wouldn't let him have the last word tbh.

Shinebright72 · 22/06/2020 16:21

I didn’t judge anybody. I also didn’t state weather it was my mother or father who had the numerous kids. YOU assumed!!.
I won’t be swayed into changing my mind just because my factual opinion doesn’t sit well with you. Also you have chosen To bypass the issue that I mentioned it’s not fair on the kids. So I too will by pass your narrow minded assumptions!! (That it was aimed at women)

TedsFederationRep · 22/06/2020 16:36

'Chill' in this context means "FGS, it was just a bit of banter and you've blown it all up out of proportion and made it all about you". It just doubles down on the insensitivity and tells you all you really need to know about this man.

Your response, on the other hand, was for more dignified than the one I would have been tempted to send.

You've done your best with this numpty. Time to let him fade away out of your friendship group, I think. His loss, not yours.

Institutkarite · 22/06/2020 16:36

@Jimdandy

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

Does it take much practice to be such an arsehole. Are you always such a nasty fucker.
Louise91417 · 22/06/2020 16:37

In what way is your opinion factual shine?Hmm

IveFoundSomeJaffaCakes · 22/06/2020 16:37

I HATE people who upset others but turn it around as their fault they didn't find the 'joke' funny.

It wasn't funny. I could maybe forgive him if after your text he apologised profusely. But he didn't. He said to 'chill'. He can get to fuck.

I would send it to any mutual friends. See how many people find it funny.

lyralalala · 22/06/2020 16:47

@IveFoundSomeJaffaCakes

I HATE people who upset others but turn it around as their fault they didn't find the 'joke' funny.

It wasn't funny. I could maybe forgive him if after your text he apologised profusely. But he didn't. He said to 'chill'. He can get to fuck.

I would send it to any mutual friends. See how many people find it funny.

Exactly this.

If you make a joke that includes a reference to something incredibly personal, like the death of a spouse, and the other person is offended then you apologise profusely. Even if you think it's an OTT reaction, or you found it funny, if you accidentally hurt someone you care about then you apologise and you never make a joke in that direction again.

BlingLoving · 22/06/2020 16:50

Oh please. Pulling your leg? That would have been crass but almost understandable if you had three ex's. But one ex, one current and one deceased is an entirely different story. And your message was pretty polite and honest without being aggressive so the ONLY correct reply was, "I'm sorry - I meant it to be a joke but didn't think about how it would come through."

I think this very much is how he sees you. And the comment from uni days about "dumb single mums" is a clear sign that he has an issue with single parents, particularly younger ones.

Ditch him.

Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 22/06/2020 18:11

Thank you and also thank you for those of you supporting me with the few judgemental people!

As someone pointed out, I actually only have ONE ex. I didn't even think of it that way, but how very true.

This afternoon I've felt less upset by him and more angry. And that's thanks to you lot on here. I'm having nothing to do with him again, and he must know why.

OP posts:
GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 22/06/2020 18:15

@IveFoundSomeJaffaCakes

"I HATE people who upset others but turn it around as their fault they didn't find the 'joke' funny.

It wasn't funny. I could maybe forgive him if after your text he apologised profusely. But he didn't. He said to 'chill'. He can get to fuck.

I would send it to any mutual friends. See how many people find it funny."

Yup!

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 22/06/2020 18:16

I wonder if his wife knows what he said...

IWantT0BreakFree · 22/06/2020 18:27

His reply is unforgivable. I think the initial "joke" could have been explained away as a moment of seriously shitty judgement, but his reply makes it clear that he does not care for or respect you. If a friend tells you that you've hurt them, you give serious consideration to your words/actions and when you can see that you’ve been a twat you apologise unreservedly and profusely. He just brushed you off. What an arsehole.

You seem like a wonderful friend. Father’s Day was hard for you but you still found the time and emotional energy to consider him and what a significant day it was for him. He doesn’t deserve you.

Gulabjamoon · 22/06/2020 18:30

The lack of apology is the final nail in the friendship's coffin.

Gulabjamoon · 22/06/2020 18:31

I wonder if his wife knows what he said...

Not sure why it's relevant, OP has been friends with the man since, not the woman.

agonyauntie2020 · 22/06/2020 18:31

I am so so sorry. A loved one's death will touch us all at some point and I can only think this selfish idiot's life has so far been charmed in that respect (or he has the depth of a baking tray, or both).

Making a stupid comment that is then deeply regretted is also something most of us have done.

Not taking the opportunity to apologize for hurting someone when they point it out to you, that's really, seriously, horrible.

Also, I find a cartoon saying touché followed by a comment to light up both inappropriate. You say touché (I've just checked this on google...) when you want to admit that the other person in an argument has won a point, usually with a short and witty remark. You weren't in an argument. You weren't trying to win points off him. And in any case, his follow up makes sure you don't win points - he turns it back on you for not "getting" his joke.

I would be sending him another text saying the equivalent of two strikes, you're out, don't contact me again.

That gives him the chance to show he's a complete bastard or actually realize it's serious and he'll lose your friendship over it. For ever. Again, though, if he's lead one of those charmed lives he might not realize how long forever feels in the face of loss of a loved one.

agonyauntie2020 · 22/06/2020 18:36

*led (not lead)

LillianBland · 22/06/2020 18:52

Send him something like this, then block the judgemental fucker.

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?
Cam2020 · 22/06/2020 19:12

He probably didn't mean anything nasty by it but it was extremely tactless and hurtful. It's the kind of joke that other men wouldn't be bothered by, but a woman would.

Don't feel bad about yourself because of one dumbass' bad joke. You've been through an awful lot and and finally happy again. Don't less anyone tarnish that.

Lynda07 · 22/06/2020 19:17

GeneParmesanPrivateEyeMon 22-Jun-20 18:16:55
I wonder if his wife knows what he said...
.......
I wondered the same. In her place I'd be furious.