Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 22/06/2020 13:32

I think it was just a joke on his part, tactless but not meant to imply what you took from it. I would have told him it was a bit harsh but I wouldn't cut contact.

Sn0tnose · 22/06/2020 13:34

So he makes some kind of judgement about your circumstances and then tries to make out that you’re over reacting and that you’re only annoyed because you just haven’t understood how funny his ‘joke’ was?

This arsehole is not your friend.

ThickFast · 22/06/2020 13:38

His response is awful.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/06/2020 13:39

Just block him. Silently. Everywhere and on everything. He'll know why.

Then head high and stride forwards, you fantastic woman!

AryaStarkWolf · 22/06/2020 14:08

Yeah agree with most here, after his reply, I'd just cut ties with him and not bother replying, honestly he seem's a bit misogynistic between that message and the comment he made about teenage mothers

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 22/06/2020 14:13

That is incredibly crass and hurtful. His reply even more so. Block the prick.

Jimdandy · 22/06/2020 14:14

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

Sn0tnose · 22/06/2020 14:20

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

Are you fucking serious?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 22/06/2020 14:20

Jimdandy Are you the 'friend'? FFS...

skyblue27 · 22/06/2020 14:26

I would make a comment about his fertility struggles and ivf and see how he likes that.. then if he gets arsey u can explain it takes 2 to tango and now he knows how u feel

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 22/06/2020 14:28

@Jimdandy

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

Sensitive about the father of one of her children sadly dying?? Err...duh, do ya think?!
Studycast · 22/06/2020 14:30

I'd normally agree about silence being the best policy but that only works with people who have a usual level of humility and self-reflection. This bloke is as insensitive and crass as they come.

DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 22/06/2020 14:30

@Jimdandy

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

It’s perfectly normal to be ‘sensitive’ about the death of your husband!

FFS!

lyralalala · 22/06/2020 14:47

@Jimdandy

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

Generally people are sensitive about the death of their spouse.

He should have been less of a prick and realised it was an appalling thing to say to a widow who has found happiness and rebuilt her life

randolph78 · 22/06/2020 14:50

I don't get the big deal. I don't think it matters how many baby daddies you've got and I suspect neither does he. It's only a judgement if said by someone who judges people for that. Just tell him you felt a bit judged and see what he says.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 22/06/2020 15:00

@randolph78

I don't get the big deal. I don't think it matters how many baby daddies you've got and I suspect neither does he. It's only a judgement if said by someone who judges people for that. Just tell him you felt a bit judged and see what he says.
You don't get the big deal that OP's husband died which is the reason why there are 3 baby daddies and not just the 2, as OP thought she would grow old with him and he's making jokes about it? Her "friend" has also previously had a dig about teen Mum's too, so he is a judgemental arsehole it seems
AlpineSnow · 22/06/2020 15:23

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much
Why? Would you not be bothered if your child's father died? Confused

Merryoldgoat · 22/06/2020 15:32

Had a feeling he was a prick.

Well OP - better to find out what he’s like than live in ignorance. The fact he can’t even apologise tells you everything.

I hope you’re ok Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 22/06/2020 15:33

@Jimdandy

I think it’s because you are sensitive about it that it has cut you so deep. If you really weren’t bothered that you have children by all different men it wouldn’t be affecting you as much.

He should have at least said sorry I was pulling your leg I meant no offence.

Is this for real?
AlphaDalpha · 22/06/2020 15:37

I think considering you have been widowed it was probably an ill advised flippant comment.

Being the slightly narky person I am, I would have bitten back with a comment about child no.2's father being deceased.

Shinebright72 · 22/06/2020 15:37

People do judge you even with children to 2 different men. So I can imagine 3.

You’ve been unfortunate with the second father of your child. So I do think it’s an exception in your case.

Peacocking · 22/06/2020 15:41

The original comment was awful, utterly awful. But we all totally put our foot in our mouth big time at some point and spend years having cold sweats over it. So I could have got over that - but his follow up messages after you responded would be the end for me. That was his chance to have an OMGwhatdidijustdo moment and apologise profusely and try to make things right.

LillianBland · 22/06/2020 15:43

@Shinebright72

People do judge you even with children to 2 different men. So I can imagine 3.

You’ve been unfortunate with the second father of your child. So I do think it’s an exception in your case.

Wow! What a fucking narrow minded comment.
Shinebright72 · 22/06/2020 15:53

@LillianBland I have 4 siblings (full)...... and I have other numerous siblings who I do get along with. HOWEVER it is not fair on the kids family’s can be complicated at the best of times even with ONE child. Never mind 3 kids by 3 different men!!!

Have you considered the CHILD and the differences it causes or were you that fucking quick to assume I was having a dig at op and others similar????

mummypie17 · 22/06/2020 15:58

I agree that the comment was really hurtful and since he hasn't really apologised, I would really reconsider whether he is a friend.

When I first read the comment, I did wonder whether he meant it as a general/neutral 'you'll have a busy day' but then with all the emojis, he clearly thinks it's funny