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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 21/06/2020 22:18

Simmer? Comment, of course.

NeutrinoWrangler · 21/06/2020 22:19

I'd probably reply as you mentioned before. Apparently he needs a lesson in basic manners.

He should've known better, especially given that you were widowed! It doesn't take a particularly sensitive soul to see how that could be hurtful.

LuaDipa · 21/06/2020 22:22

It’s a rude comment whatever the circumstances of your dc’s birth, but particularly insensitive given the circumstances. I would definitely give him what for.

Viviennemary · 21/06/2020 22:23

That was very cruel and nasty in your circumstances. I don't think I'd reply with anything.

FloutMyArse · 21/06/2020 22:24

That’s a pretty unpleasant “joke” by my tastes (only you know if you enjoy your friend’s humour) but the bereavement aspect makes it appalling. I hope if he’s your friend that it was an accidentally awful comment.

Andwoooshtheyweregone · 21/06/2020 22:24

I’m so sorry for your loss OP that’s heartbreaking, that was a thoughtless and hurtful comment, how would he feel if you made a joke at the fact they’ve done IVF? He wouldn’t take to that too kindly I’m sure so why does he feel he can joke about your circumstances?

Livpool · 21/06/2020 22:24

What an arse

LavenderLilacTree · 21/06/2020 22:26

It was an awful comment OP but unless you have never said anything stupid yourself (I know I have) then I would forgive.
Your friend may have spoken without thinking and really regretting it now

Katrinawaves · 21/06/2020 22:26

What was your original message to him? I wonder if you hit a nerve with him and he intended to send something catty back and misjudged it?

Infertility is really tough and once you have your IVF baby in your arms most of us try to put that pain behind us. I’ve had two kids via IVF and although they were supportive of us at the time, none of our friends still refer to how the children were conceived now we have them. Nor do we do this to other friends who also had help.

He may feel that each year you rub their noses in it a little and this year he snapped back? By all means challenge him about what he said but maybe next year back off on Fathers and Mothers Day and let them celebrate this in their own way without any comment by you on their hard journey to get there?

Blackdog19 · 21/06/2020 22:27

YANBU, I can’t believe anyone would judge you, wouldn’t cross my mind. I can understand how it upset you, a horrible thing to say. If you don’t really want to lose his friendship maybe say how hurtful, and unfunny it was and maybe he might respond in a way that could salvage the friendship? Only if you want to though. I’d have no problem cutting him off for that.

PenelopePitstop49 · 21/06/2020 22:28

It's not something I'd ever to say to anyone, let alone someone I considered a friend.

I wouldn't reply, I'd just block the number and have people in your life who are worthy of being in it Flowers

Tistheseason17 · 21/06/2020 22:29

He's a twat.
I've a friend who has 6 kids, 5 different fathers.
That's it. Full stop. No judgement - just the way her life went. I'd never write anything like that to her because she is my friend and I care about her.

KitMarlowesCodpieceOfThigh · 21/06/2020 22:29

He's an arsehole. I'd reply with something like, 'Yes, keeping in touch with [late husband] is particularly difficult. Thanks. Have a nice day.' and then never speak to him again.

I have zero tolerance for that level of thoughtlessness. It's not difficult to remember details like being widowed tragically young where your friends are concerned. Thanks OP. I hope you've had an okay day with your lovely family in spite of that pillock.

nellyburt · 21/06/2020 22:30

I would reply and say

"Ouch, and there I was happy that I'd found love again after losing DH. Silly me."

Louise91417 · 21/06/2020 22:31

I would say the penny probably dropped after he sent the message and he is feeling pretty mortified now...at least you would hope soHmm

Alfiemoon1 · 21/06/2020 22:44

What and awful thing to say to anyone regardless of the circumstances however as they are a friend I would explain how you didn’t find the joke funny and upset you and that today is difficult anyway for you and go from their reply rather than instantly blocking them . We have all said and done things stupid and put our foot in it at times

NCjune20 · 21/06/2020 22:47

What a dick

zonkin · 21/06/2020 22:48

IVF and 2 sets of twins as an outcome? Statistically very successful.

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 21/06/2020 22:58

What a deeply offensive comment. I would be ending my friendship over this. He typed that on his phone and then thought it was a good idea to send?? What a Twat. I am so sorry for your loss.

Lynda07 · 21/06/2020 23:00

He was insensitive and stupid. I doubt he meant any harm but tactless people need to be told. Tell him you found his remarks offensive and why. Hopefully he will learn to think before opening his mouth, if not you can do without him.

I had a friend, a woman, who was like that. I stopped being friends with her.

AnneElliott · 21/06/2020 23:03

That's terrible, particularly as one of your DC has lost their father!

OrchidJewel · 21/06/2020 23:06

How utterly tactless and upsetting. I'd go with scarydinosaurs response without the 'but thanks anyway'.

Give him.an opportunity to apologise and explain.

So sorry flip-flop Flowers

Newschapter · 21/06/2020 23:08

What a horrible response from him.

You've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

He, on the other hand..... Hmm

I'm happy you found love again Flowers don't give his remarks any more brain space - whatever made him make that remark is a reflection on him, not on you.

Prayerwheel · 21/06/2020 23:20

That is a horrific remark. As a pp said, without the fact that you were widowed, it would be incredibly rude, but with you being widowed, it’s grossly cruel and insensitive. I could not be friends with someone who thought this was a piece of witty bantz either way.

Hormonecrazyhell · 21/06/2020 23:24

I think it was a joke

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