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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 21:47

*genuinely think it would make you laugh

Original poster
Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 21:48

Thank you everyone. I haven't yet replied but will do when I've considered which one of your ideas I like the best! And thanks for all the replies and thoughts.
As you say, considering my darling husband passed away, that is what particularly makes this so unfunny. We would have grown old together.

@whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens
Only because him and his wife had all of their children by IVF so Father's day is a big deal to them after lots of heart ache.

OP posts:
Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 21/06/2020 21:48

Bit close to the bone and insensitive. If you are really friends then I would just tell him you thought it was totally insensitive. I don't think I would never speak to him again though, unless you have other issues with him.

Holothane · 21/06/2020 21:49

That is shocking if he knows your past widowed ect, 🤗

Curious78 · 21/06/2020 21:52

@whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens there is nothing wrong or weird in friends wishing each other Happy Father's Day, or Happy Mother's Day for that matter.

LillianBland · 21/06/2020 21:52

@InfiniteSheldon

It was a joke, if he's a good friend I'd tell him it was too close to the bone and you didn't like it. I'd have laughed and said fucking harsh dude ease up and my bestie would have apologised.
Really? You think making a joke to someone who was widowed young and whose child will never have Father’s Day with his dad, is funny? Come back when you’re a widow/widower and we can take the piss out of you about your dead husband/wife.
lyralalala · 21/06/2020 21:52

That a horrendous comment. I’d struggle to see past that if someone made a comment about my DH (he was also widowed) and would certainly thing very differently of the friend.

SionnachGlic · 21/06/2020 21:53

Maybe he is just tactless, typed that without even thinking really. Ppl make mistakes. If you think he meant it to come across as judgey & make you feel cheap, then ditch the friendship. If he realises he made a mistake & apologises, then you can explain how hurt it made you feel & go from there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/06/2020 21:56

I definitely think you should call him out on it.

billy1966 · 21/06/2020 21:57

A deeply offensive, nasty comment OP.

I cannot imagine how anyone with a half functioning brain could be anything other than hugely offended.

Good luck with trying to move on from it, I certainly wouldn't.

Flowers
Dixiechickonhols · 21/06/2020 21:59

That’s horrid. Totally inappropriate even if all still alive. With you being widowed it’s obviously a tough day for you and DC. I wouldn’t have anything more to do with them.

Funnyface1 · 21/06/2020 22:00

Jokes are supposed to be funny but this is cruel and honestly one of the most heartless things I've read. I would never speak to him again.

Whoopsmahoot · 21/06/2020 22:00

Thoughtless, unnecessary and hurtful.

FartingNora · 21/06/2020 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/06/2020 22:02

Really tactless and hurtful especially since your first husband is dead. I agree with replying to him specifically pointing that part out

FlaskMaster · 21/06/2020 22:06

I don't get why you were texting him happy father's day at all, he's not your dad or any of your kids' dad. Maybe he was just surprised at that and his immediate thought was "haven't you got enough people to be dealing with for father's Day?". But it was really shitty to say given that one's dead. I think I'd have to remind him of that and maybe distance the friendship a bit.

chubbyhotchoc · 21/06/2020 22:07

I think he's probably forgot you're a woman. Men rib each other like this all the time. There's no male crying in it. My husbands friends make fun of him for being married twice.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/06/2020 22:08

That was a truly horrible thing to say, I'm so sorry that your thoughtful gesture of wishing him happy fathers day was met with such a disgusting reply.

I probably wouldn't bother replying to him, he isn't worth the time or energy. I would block him and assume, if he even had half a brain cell, that he will realise it's because of the nasty message.

Hope your ok op Flowers

timetest · 21/06/2020 22:11

It was a deeply offensive thing to say. I’m not sure there is a way forward unless he comes back with a sincere apology.

Chewbecca · 21/06/2020 22:12

It was a bad comment.

But I am one of the 10% YABU because I am not sure I would never speak to him again solely as a result of this comment, especially if the friendship is valuable to you.

TinyPigeon · 21/06/2020 22:12

Wow what a cunt. It would be fucking rude if you had three kids by different dad's still living. But considering you lost your husband it was unbelievably cruel. I'm suprised he hasn't realised and text you to apologise tbh.

Socialdistancegintonic · 21/06/2020 22:13

It’s really tactless and I’d be angry. But I wouldn’t cut him off forever. Just say something, doesn’t matter what, even just say bit tactless! If he’s a friend he will apologize

Nicedayforawedding · 21/06/2020 22:14

He sounds like an arsehole!

SunshineCake · 21/06/2020 22:17

The fact that one of your children has a dad who died makes the simmer not a joke in any way. It makes one less father ffs so therefore not making your day busy Hmm. Words need to be had I think.

Plus, don't justify why you messaged your friend to wish him a happy Father's Day. Nothing wrong with it.

amy85 · 21/06/2020 22:18

@ConstanceSalinger

He's not a friend, he's a shit. The only thing I'd do is make it explicitly clear why you're dropping him.

But why would you text a friend to say happy father's day? That's a bit weird.

Glad I'm not the only one that thinks that's weird lol

He meant it as a joke but it was obviously too close to the bone....if he is close enough for you to wish him a happy father's Day then he'd obviously close enough for you to simply tell him so

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