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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

295 replies

Flipfloptanlines · 21/06/2020 20:41

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong · 21/06/2020 21:17

What an arseholish thing to say to any mother, but to a widow?

He wins arsehole of the day.

POP7777777 · 21/06/2020 21:18

What an utter bastard. Heartless.

cloudlessskies · 21/06/2020 21:19

That was a horrible comment. I would call him up and tell him how it hurt your feelings and ask him to tell you why on earth he would message you that. See what his reaction is like and if he isn't really really sorry then lose him as a friend.

Really sorry to hear your first husband died, that is just awful and today will be especially hard.

gypsywater · 21/06/2020 21:20

Would literally never speak to the prick again. Unforgivable.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 21/06/2020 21:21

Thats awful. You lost your husband. Your child lost their father. What a crappy awful disrespectful thing to say. I would not be friends with Someone who was so openly disrespectful to me.

sqirrelfriends · 21/06/2020 21:23

What a prick! Seems like a clumsy attempt at a joke but comes across as really heartless.

ChavvySexPond · 21/06/2020 21:23

WTF?

Without the bereavement it's fucking rude. With it it's unforgivably callous and unpleasant.

And factually inaccurate. Since when is *two" a lot of anything? Tosser.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/06/2020 21:23

He is either an insensitive prick or an idiot who thought he was funny he wasn't
I'd say it to him.

FromMarch2020 · 21/06/2020 21:24

3 children by 3 men is merely a fact.
The emojis are nothing really and I wouldn't take them in an insulting way. Perhaps he thought it was funny - however though you did not - are you embarrassed by 3 children all by 3 men? You shouldn't be because it is your business alone. Nothing to do with him but the fact that you are upset suggests that you might be and therefore thinking that he judged you poorly?

Tell him how you feel if you are really upset and if he is a friend he will be careful next time not to joke about something you are sensitive about

nubeejinnings · 21/06/2020 21:27

I don't know if you've replied but if he was a good friend I'd be honest about how it's made you feel and that it's upset you on what is a hard day for your middle DC anyway.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 21/06/2020 21:27

Have you replied op? I’d definitely text back something like ‘not really as x’s dad is dead. I’d thought you’d be the first person to understand that life doesn’t always go as expected when it comes to having children’.

GrandAltogetherSo · 21/06/2020 21:29

It’s just a one line text. Maybe he was busy and just fired it off without much thought?

Either tell him you found it hurtful or just ignore it and forget about it.
If he’s a good friend normally, he’s unlikely to have said something to deliberately upset you.

I can’t be doing with people that over analyse everything.

NataliaOsipova · 21/06/2020 21:30

IF your children had 3 dads who were still around, it would be a bit of a misjudged joke, which I would forgive. Given that you were widowed it is very insensitive and inappropriate.

This. Your husband died; there is no circumstance in which any joke about that is appropriate.... I’m not surprised you’re upset.

PolloDePrimavera · 21/06/2020 21:31

I don't think any hurt was intended but the fact you were bereaved so young, makes it you much. And I'm so sorry, that must have been awful.

Saz12 · 21/06/2020 21:33

Not OK, particularly given your bereavement. But... honestly, I’d tell him why his comments were hurtful and that you’re mad with him, but give him chance to apologise, rather than just cut him out. He quite possibly made an unthinking comment, meant as a joke, without thinking about what he was really saying.

I think he feels off-ish that he & his partner have struggled so hard to conceive yet you’ve 3 kids. His family isn’t the 1950’s ideal either. He’s clearly struggling with the idea that they can’t conceive “naturally” which (in the 1950’s!!) is not the image of a “virile man”. Ridiculous and embarrassing to admit to, but possibly still how he feels.

conduitoffortune · 21/06/2020 21:33

My jokes with friends can be close to the bone, but his message to you really seems to be designed to make you feel small.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/06/2020 21:34

OP, you need to tell him in very clear terms you are upset by his comment and then see what he says or does. The only correct thing he can do is seriously apologise. If he doesn’t, then cut him out of your life.

whenitalkaboutsexnobodylistens · 21/06/2020 21:36

Is it normal to wish a friend a Happy Father's Day? Hmm

Standrewsschool · 21/06/2020 21:36

Distasteful comment, and I can understand why you feel hurt.

Egghead68 · 21/06/2020 21:37

Really thoughtless comment. Tell him it upset you and why. I hope he will be mortified and falling over himself to apologise. If he is, and he is a good friend otherwise, I’d give him another chance.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/06/2020 21:42

Bloody hell, that would be an ex friend.

The urge to point out you may well be taking one of you to a cemetery today would be overwhelming. And then block his number.

KentuckyBlueberry · 21/06/2020 21:42

I totally understand why that comment hurt OP, and don’t think you were being ‘over sensitive’ or anything like that to feel put out by it.

However, I don’t think his intention was to imply you are cheap, or to be cruel, or disrespectful, or anything like that.

It sounds like it was meant in good humour in a lighthearted way, but was just totally misjudged and ill-thought out.

You have done amazingly well under extremely tough circumstances. You have everything to be proud of.

I would tell him in a really simple straightforward way that you found his message shocking and hurtful, and are surprised as you wouldn’t have expected that sort of crass insensitivity from him. I imagine he will not have realised how inappropriate it was and will be mortified.

Curious78 · 21/06/2020 21:46

Hi OP, it does sound like it was meant to be a joke but it's a harsh one, I guess after many years of knowing you that he thought you would find it funny. Men don't think sometimes Flowers

AnaisAna · 21/06/2020 21:47

Depends on his / your normal sense of humour. For example, I have a relation that if they said this to me I would laugh and not think anything of it, but anyone else I would be hurt - if that makes sense? I think you have to focus on the intention, did he mean to upset you or did he genuinely think it would upset you? If you didn’t reply, maybe he’s realised he crossed the line?

MadameMeursault · 21/06/2020 21:47

That’s an awful thing to say, really insensitive. I would text him back to tell him and just say something like “As DC2’s Dad is dead I find your message really insensitive and upsetting.”