Was this a cruel comment or AIBU ?

[Flipfloptanlines]

My 3 children are by 3 different men. Not how I expected my life to go but it happened.

First child I had when I was 16. The dad and I get on great but we were too young and didn't stay together. No issues at all, always managed to co-parent throughout our daughter's childhood.
In my early 20s I got married. My second child was born and totally planned. I was then widowed totally unexpectedly aged 26 My heart was broken. I didn't think I would ever recover.

I recently married my second husband after years of heart ache after being widowed. We have formed a really loving and close family. We have an 8 month old baby. I am finally happy again.

I have a friend who I have been reasonably close to since university. He is happily married with 4 children.

I text him this morning to wish him a Happy Father's Day and he replied and said
'Busy day for you, with all those baby daddies', then lots of wink emojis and laughing faces.

I am mortified.

Was this an awful thing to say, or am I over reacting? It has touched a horrible raw nerve. Today is hard anyway, without someone cracking a joke, let alone this person being a friend and knowing what I went through. He has made me feel cheap. Until this comment, I haven't considered myself to be cheap. I have 3 fantastic children, a great career and life is good again.

AIBU to never speak to him again?

He's a cunt. 😁

If in reflection you think he has, other than here been a good friend then I might give him one chance to put this right.

I would be honest. Something like - I was really hurt by your message. It is always hard here as I grieve for my husband who was such such an amazing father and such a loss. You made it sound like I am some cheap laugh - have been wondering a all day how you could think that ok to send.

His response would tell you clearly whether you still want him in your life. This thread demonstrates how different some people’s approaches to events are - why the fuck anyone is suggesting it was odd for you to text is bizarre.

Sorry you lost your dh and have had this weirdness today.

@Hormonecrazyhell

Not a funny one. And pretty heartless seeing as one of the fathers has died.

Bad joke. All the emojis mean it was a joke. A bad one but a joke nonetheless. I find it odd that firstly you text him Happy Fathers Day and secondly that because he misses the mark widely that you are never going to speak to him again. If he was a good friend for years then surely you would message him/speak to him and tell him that you found his message hurtful and you were surprised at how insensitive he was. He can then explain his actions.

I'm with @nellyburt and @Popc0rn. Your friend is totally out of order, being a widow and your child being fatherless should not be 'joked' about.

"I thought you knew me better than to say something like that".
Then block.
Sorry you're having to deal with this OP. He's no friend if he thinks he can be so flippant about this. It smacks of superiority as if he's more deserving given the IVF.

Just tell him that the comment offended you. To never speak to him again is a total overreaction, the likes of which I only ever see on Mumsnet!

Very cunty. Sure you don't need him in your life anymore

I think if you want to give him a chance to mend this you might have to confront him since no apology has materialised yet...

@Dieu
Maybe not such an overreaction when the man you would have grown old with is dead? And some of my father's day was spent at my DH's grave? That makes it pretty unfunny.

Thanks everyone, I am really touched by how kind you have been. I'm going to reply to him this morning and put him straight.
I will let you know what I say and what he says.

Well. He’s a tosser isn’t he.

@chubbyhotchoc has your DH been widowed? If not it’s hardly comparable. If he has then his friends are awful.

OP I’m sorry your “friend” said that. Very unkind. I’d be blunt and say “given [Steve] is dead probably no busier than most other people’s” and let that sink in.

It’s a bit of a shitty joke but i doubt he meant any harm, just a bit thoughtless.

I’d personally of told him that was a bit far and wait for him to say sorry

Sadly OP, I think he's slipped with how he "really" sees you. Saying this to you when he knows that one of the ex's was due to being widowed young with a small child...breathtakingly cruel IMO. One doesn't say that to a person one sees as a human being equal to them. I wouldn't be surprised if beneath his veneer, he holds similar views on all women. I would pity his wife behind closed doors.

Ask yourself - would he, or any man, make the same "all the mums" joke to their unhappily widowed male friend on mothers day? A male friend with a child in his teens (but still friends with mum), married later and had another child but tragically widowed, now married with a 3rd child. Would he? No, that man would be seen to have triumphed over adversity and would be a hero for valuing marriage and for sticking by his children and 1st ex.

I don't think there can be any way back from this. Don't waste anymore of your care and friendship on him. 💐💐💐

If your three children were unplanned and from short term relationships and you had an ongoing joke about it it might be funny, but still a bit bitchy. In your circumstances it was just spiteful and unpleasant.

I’m sure he’ll be extremely sorry when you call him out. What an idiot.

Perhaps you should reply that it is a day you also remember dc2's df by putting flowers on his grave.

@zonkin what's your point?

My DSIS has two sets of twins from IVF, it's not as rare as you may think.

I agree with Towel - even without the bereavement it's still a crass and unkind comment.

But why would you text a friend to say happy father's day? That's a bit weird. Yes

But why would you text a friend to say happy father's day? That's a bit weird.

The OP has said why, several times.

Derxa - the op has explained that she sent the message because her 'friend' and partner had their children by ivf. No doubt she was supportive when they were struggling to conceive. And the message acknowledges what a special day this is for him. What on earth is odd about that?

Very shitty indeed