AIBU to ignore parents dietary wishes for their che

[Calmondeck]

(For background, I’m in a country where things have reopened)

I am currently spending a lot of time with my brother’s 2 DC, giving him and his wife a few hours break from the kids each day (they were going batty in lockdown). The DC are on extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons - v limited grain/carbs, no milk, no sugar, 1 small piece a fruit per day. We were recently at the park where some other parents expressed surprise at the small frame of one of the DC.

This DC (3yrs) is always asking me for food when we are alone together. We planned to have a picnic in the park (prepared/approved snacks from home) and were joined by a friend who brought homemade banana bread and butter. Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

DC asks me for milk for her doll (which I put into a little toy bottle and she subsequently drinks herself / pretends to feed it to the doll if within eyesight of the parents), we also sometimes sneak in a natural yogurt on our trips together and grain crackers.

I am not a parent, but can imagine feeling frustrated if someone I trusted my children’s care to was defying my groundrules. At the same time, this child is underweight, and when I enquired with my brother about whether she eats all of her dinner (worried perhaps I was creating dinner time issues for them later at home) he said the DC always eats everything she is given. AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

@Jellycatspyjamas abuse is classified differently. There’s physical, psychological, emotional, sexual, institutional and financial abuse. Neglect is failure to provide care

We really need to know facts here.

Lots of parents only give their children three meals a day and no snacks for example. That's not neglect.

Lots of parents don't give children milk. It's not actually essential and providing the child is happy eating tofu, fish with edible bones, certain veg and nuts/nut hunters then it is unlikely the child is calcium deficient.

OP, can you actually share a day's worth of food or do you not know.

Also children who don't have cow's milk will naturally be smaller.

Smaller children are underfed children

YANBU.
she might not neglected but to allow their child to go hungry because of their own choices - IS neglect.
Totally different if they had food allergies but if they don’t it’s just cruel. One fruit a day? No milk? Doesn’t sound like the child is getting enough.

Certainly seems like abuse. What's wrong with the parents? Can you tackle it with them directly and complain their children are hungrey? Outrageous.

I don't think children should be on any kind of restrictions with diet, adults can do what they like however kids should be fed properly.

@TinyPigeon

Also children who don't have cow's milk will naturally be smaller.

Smaller children are underfed children

Rubbish. My youngest is allergic to cows’ milk and is the biggest of his antenatal group and bigger than his siblings at the same age.

OP, can you actually share a day's worth of food or do you not know

If a child is making up lies and behaving in a deceptive way in order to drink milk, I'd say it's pretty conclusive they're not being fed properly.

As long as it's not for allergy reasons feed them what they want when they're with you.

I was hungry as a child fairly often. Neighbours and the parents of school friends used to feed me. I used to steal school meals.

My parents were not poor (I only recently discovered this - I thought we were poor growing up).

I think that it can be difficult for people to understand how food and the control of food can be a feature in some disfunctional families.

Then there is the issue of well meaning parents feeding vegan or macrobiotic diets to their children and making them sick

www.thesun.co.uk/news/9774057/vegan-parents-baby-starve-australia-avoid-jail/

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/420181/

Please, please do something to help your niece

A paleo diet is not suitable for children - she is not being given the nutrients she needs (and it sounds like instinctively she knows it)

You need to raise this with her parents - this doesnt sound like a vagn diet (where oat/nut milks are allowed is she allowed these) and grains etc are a huge part.

If they are doing this as part of overhauling their diet - fine but it isnt suitable for their 3 year old

You could give her more of the stuff she's allowed, that way you're feeding her but without doing anything they could object to.

Maybe have a word with your brother and say she's always hungry?

I disagree with flakey diets like this but it is their choice. It sounds like they should be feeding her more, though.

A paleo diet is not suitable for children - she is not being given the nutrients she needs (and it sounds like instinctively she knows it)

this

many adults struggle with a paleo diet and it has been widely debunked e.g.

Some parents mean well but do not understand nutrition as happened in this case:

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/10600639/Baby-dies-of-rickets-from-vegetarian-mother.html

abitouting - This is a three year old that is sneaking milk when her parents can't see, eating secretively. And you think this situation might be ok?

A three year old should never have to lie in order to access normal, healthy food. If she wants milk she should be given it.

Surely there is space to be creative here so that the child is well fed but you are also respecting the parents wishes. I was paleo for a couple of years following a serious health issue - they shouldn't be restricting fruit as generally the diet is that you can eat as much meat/fish/fruit/veg (except beans and legume) /nuts as you want. Some people also add in little amounts of brown rice and Greek yogurt. It feels like everything is designed to restrict rather than creating alternatives in the household. I used to use a lot of nut/coconut milk, avocados, nut butters, eggs, bake with nut flours and agave etc. I'm in no way endorsing this as a diet for a child just suggesting things you can do- this was never long term for me and I dont feed my child in this way. If they are simply restricting to for the sake of it, the children arent getting enough nutrients and fats, and the parents arent listening then you need to escalate it as this could cause life long issues for the DC in terms of malnutrition.

There is nothing ethical about child neglect. This diet is not suitable for growing children.

www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/children-and-teens-should-not-be-on-a-paleo-or-gluten-free-diet-heres-why/2018/08/17/a34e74e8-9ffe-11e8-83d2-70203b8d7b44_story.html

That kid is starving.

Do something OP

You can give your children a paleo diet without them getting underweight. With paleo you need lots of small meals and snacks otherwise you go hungry even as an adult and kids have higher energy needs.

We tried paleo when my DC was younger but we never expected other people to follow those rules as it would have been unreasonable as it was a health choice and not due to allergies.

My DC is skinny and small for his age and always has been (me and hid dad aren't particularly tall and I was a very skinny kid), but he's not underweight like it sounds your nephew is and more importantly, even when we did paleo he wasn't always hungry/asking for food and he ate frequently throughout the day with as much fruit/veg as he liked!

What your brother is practising sounds insane, keep doing what you're doing and if you have concerns report them.

What do they eat?
In the short term could you tell the children you are give them ‘vegan’ yogurts and ‘vegan’ butter so they don’t tell on your or feel they have to hide anything. It’s hard because social services are not always the fantastic force for good they should be.
Then maybe mention to the parents that she is much smaller than other children etc and see if you can get them to modify their rules.

If they are abusing their child through malnutrition then you need to contact the relevant service. If they aren't abusing their child then it's their decision not yours and you need to follow their decision. Those are your options. Feeding the child what you want is not a reasonable option.

extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons

So then why is there milk in the house op? Are they just making DC follow this restrictive diet but not doing it them selves? Awful asking for milk for the doll then sneakily drinking it. Poor child.

You tell us what the child doesn't eat, could you give us an idea of what they do eat and maybe a typical days intake please.

I agree, this needs to be reported to the relevant authorities OP. Good luck.

This breaks my heart. She is starving and this is neglect.

I think you need to weigh & measure the child so you have evidence of where she is on the centiles. Then speak to the parents about how she is always hungry & take some info on what a balanced diet for a child looks like.

If they refuse to take notice then you must report this.

I understand other posters desire to immediately try and feed up the child. But if the parents don’t realise the extent to how much you’re feeding her then if she starts growing & putting on weight they will assume their diet is ok. Then if the situation changes the OP may not be in a position to keep the supplements.