AIBU to ignore parents dietary wishes for their che

[Calmondeck]

(For background, I’m in a country where things have reopened)

I am currently spending a lot of time with my brother’s 2 DC, giving him and his wife a few hours break from the kids each day (they were going batty in lockdown). The DC are on extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons - v limited grain/carbs, no milk, no sugar, 1 small piece a fruit per day. We were recently at the park where some other parents expressed surprise at the small frame of one of the DC.

This DC (3yrs) is always asking me for food when we are alone together. We planned to have a picnic in the park (prepared/approved snacks from home) and were joined by a friend who brought homemade banana bread and butter. Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

DC asks me for milk for her doll (which I put into a little toy bottle and she subsequently drinks herself / pretends to feed it to the doll if within eyesight of the parents), we also sometimes sneak in a natural yogurt on our trips together and grain crackers.

I am not a parent, but can imagine feeling frustrated if someone I trusted my children’s care to was defying my groundrules. At the same time, this child is underweight, and when I enquired with my brother about whether she eats all of her dinner (worried perhaps I was creating dinner time issues for them later at home) he said the DC always eats everything she is given. AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

These diets are VERY bad for children. They need more carbs and fat in their diet. I told a very good friend very frankly and we had a row, but to 'prove ' me wrong she went to the GP. He had a blood test done. The child was very low on vit D and had 6% body fat. His diet was immediately changed and he grew several inches and started playing more - running around etc. 3 years later she wrote me a letter and thanked me. If they love their son and are trying their best they will listen to you.

Thank you for your replies. I don’t have much experience with young children, so appreciate the advice and resources to review whether she is at a healthy weight. I’ll begin the conversation when I see them tomorrow. Thank you for the suggested food alternatives in the meantime

Children should not be on restricted diets unless cleared by medical professional. Does not sound like child is thriving. Would definitely have serious discussion with parents. Good Luck.

Why can’t you feed her food her parents approve of? Are they vegans?

Do not feed the child without telling her parents. If they feel that she is gaining what they perceive as too much weight, they could cut back further on the food they give her, it makes you complicit in the neglect and you won’t be there forever to give her extra food.

Either bring up the matter with her parents or report it. Surely there is some kind of agency - school, Doctor, hospital, police, social care, charity, local council, respected elder/ religious leader in the community or extended family - that you can turn to.

It would help people to give you the correct advice to know which country. (Just name it, don't give clues.)

If you, as an adult who knows this is wrong, are afraid of the parents' reaction, then think how the child must feel.

Honestly, that doesn't sound like a healthy died for growing children. They need fats.

Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

She’s hungry. This is child neglect.

Cross-posted. Glad to see you are going to tackle this.

Perhaps she didn’t know what butter is if she doesn’t eat dairy?

Tbh, I'd contact ss and let them sort it out, and carry on what you are doing.
I too was going to say you were wrong, until i read the thread.

YANBU and i think it is abuse to restrict a childs diet like that. The poor kid must be starving.

Personally I'd be taking their "approved" picnic and my own picnic, which would include things things the child likes. Whilst she is with you she can eat as much as she likes for either picnic. No one need know.

However, I'd would also raise my concerns to you DB and ask him why his DC is always saying she is hungry, why the restricted diet. Do it from a point of view of concern without criticising. Hopefully he explains something you aren't aware of and he understands your concern. If not I'd feed her anyway and try and take it further with her doctor.

Fad diets for children are disgraceful. They’re often a sign of disordered eating in the parents. I know a lady who insisted that a keto diet was best for her 2yr old. She spent ages trying to ‘prove’ this to me by ‘demonstrating’ how grains, potatoes, etc affected her DD (hint - they didn’t affect her st all)

I then found out she (the mum) was undertaking bizarre ‘bacon fasts’ (just eating bacon for 10 days - I kid you not), starving herself then binging, and on all kinds of weird diets which were variations of keto/paleo/very low carb.

The actual reason she was so keen on having her toddler follow the same diet was to justify her own disordered eating.

OP, please help these children and get them a proper balanced diet, either by explaining to the parents or by contacting some kind of health service and reporting them.

You say there are two children, is the other child older than the 3 year old and are they also slight? What about the parents, are they healthy weights?

Doesn’t sound great

But how much do you know about the child’s health? Does she have any health conditions that make Her smaller for example?

What is a typical days food intake? Have you got a example you could give?

What are the parents relationship with food? Are they underweight as well?

Does the child mention they are hungry to the parents? What are the parents replies?

Does the child hide food from the parents when eating something they shouldn’t etc?

How many children in the household, are they all underweight?

I do agree it does sound worrying, but just make sure you get all the facts first, hopefully you have a good open relationship with them both that enables you to discuss your concerns. Good luck.

@TW2013

It does sound very restrictive but is she definitely underweight? Many children are overweight so a normal weight child might appear to be underweight. Especially to parents of children who are slightly overweight. It is normal to be able to see their ribs for example. Having said that young children need fats to grow more than adults so it is not unreasonable to be concerned.

What is this weird Mumsnet idea that we all struggle to distinguish healthy weight from overweight from underweight?

Most adults are psychologically healthy enough to tell the difference. The endless insistence otherwise sounds a bit pro-Ana.

It breaks my heart to read of a 3 year old sneaking in milk under the pretence of role play when parents watching

I'm not sure this is necessarily as bad as that.
I know I used to use my dolls to get little extras, and I had a perfectly good diet and plenty to eat. I remember persuading my dm that it was one of my dolls birthdays and they needed a party tea to get some doll mixtures-we were rarely allowed sweets.
I also remember asking her to make sandwiches out of a small bread roll to make tiny sandwiches and chopping grapes into tiny pieces and arranging them on plates. And yes, I finished by eating it all, and no I wasn't especially hungry.

OP. You are in the situation and can see it. All of what you've written could be cause for alarm... or not cause for alarm.
That fact you are worried, makes me think there may be cause for alerting someone, but:
All 3 of mine could act like starved beggars just after eating a full 3 course meal at that age. They all ate about the same amount, but one is the definition of a line, the other two are just built on a bigger line. In fact the skinniest has the largest and least good diet. Ds used to have a thing about eating frozen fishfingers (!) and would sneak it if he could get away with it to a point we ended up with a lock on the freezer.

What I would look for is energy levels. A child who is not getting enough to eat will tire easily, choose to sit out when others are playing, that sort of thing.
Does she choose to sit playing with dolls when the others are running round? Do you take her on a walk and find her flagging after only a short distance?

When my ds was ill, it was very obvious the lack of energy he had compared to his peers/siblings. He'd fall asleep when he shouldn't have been tired. He'd go to run round and stop and come back and sit down. That's what I'd expect to see from a child who has malnutrition.

You may find it difficult to tell that if you're not used to children of that age-children do have different energy levels anyway. If in doubt do report.

i read until the part you said they wernt neglected As if OP as if.

Kids being starved is Neglect and if a kid is desperate for other people to feed them then yes thats neglect.

The poor child, it sounds an utterly miserable way for a kid to be bought up.
I understand limiting sweets but why milk, fruit and other things that are actually good for growing children?
The kids will most likely end up as fat adults, as soon as they get some freedom they Are going to go OTT with eating whatever they want. X

It sounds like child neglect.

Children actually need more calories than adults do proportionally to grow and remain active. They do well by eating a little a lot.

I am glad you are going to talk to them

Sounds like it needs to be reported.

@Waitingforboristoletusfree

I'm not making it up

www.cbc.ca/news/health/milk-children-height-1.4149832

My concern would be at some point the child is going to 'tell' on you and then you may not be able to help anymore. I'd be making sure that doll has a huge bottle of milk every time it comes to visit for a start. I'd also be investigating high calorie foods that fit their 'ethical' rules so if caught out you're following the rules. I wouldn't enjoy being sneaky but I wouldn't ignore a starving child.

she’s just very small and very hungry THIS is child neglect. Your brother is starving his daughter. Please act. She will grow up and have issues with food. Please help her.