Thank you again for the wide range of replies, it gave me a lot to reflect on and to consider going into this discussion with my sibling. I appreciate the people explaining that their toddlers play act with tea parties / can eat a full meal and still want more etc. Also for people pointing out the child size varies substantially so the DC may not be underweight; overweight kids have been normalised. I can confirm the DC is definitely active, no chronic lethargy or skin issues as pointed out that might indicate malnutrition or deprivation of essential nutrients.
As such, I did stop to consider whether this was my own bias/perspective of her restrictive diet. I didn’t realise my own eating habits/body type would come up for discussion but I do understand those saying it’s relevant. For background, my sibling and I grew up with a stereotypical healthy, balanced diet (plenty of lean meats, fish, unlimited vegetables & fruits, wholegrain bread, nuts, Greek yogurt, cheese, occasional sweet treats and crisps on weekends). As an adult, I still consider my diet healthy (though I am not strict and have no dramas eating cake!) but my body type would probably be described as lanky. In senior school, a teacher pulled me aside for a chat to check I was eating properly, and I still remember feeling surprised, I’ve always eaten an absolute tonne but am long/lean.
It’s why with my niece I’ve hesitated thinking perhaps she has the same body type. The difference is (and I realise my life is not the gold standard to inflict on the child) food was always available to me as a kid and when I was hungry, I ate. I’m concerned about her always asking for food, and the creation of a potentially unhealthy relationship with food restriction in the future, as well as issues around acceptable foods vs forbidden foods. It’s why I didn’t react to her with the butter incident, if that’s what she wanted to eat then that’s ok. Some free choice, curiosity and experimentation as a kid is a good thing I think (even if in that moment I was a little amused that of everything on offer, the butter is what she would select. I did explain to her that butter is something people usually put on or in something else, but she wasn’t deterred).
I approached my sibling & wife over dinner, armed with wine. I explained my perspective, and told them that when I’ve been asked for milk, yogurt and crackers, I’ve simply provided the snacks without fuss or questioning whether mummy/daddy would like her to eat that. That I didn’t want to sneak behind their backs/rules, nor would I start feeding her junk if she suddenly started requesting it, but I would not restrict her from reasonably healthy foods that she is curious to eat. I also expressed my worry that she is very small compared with her peers, a fact that had been pointed out to me by strangers. And that I would be interested to know whether she was getting enough (and a range) of food.
They acknowledged that she is slim but not underweight, and that she gets plenty of calcium through salmon with bones, leafy greens and nuts. She eats a lot of meat and fish, and good fats like avocado and egg. I suggested that despite her young age, they were creating a scenario where she already knew to hide things from them, seeking forbidden things outside of the house. Fine while the forbidden thing is unflavoured Greek yogurt, not so great in the future.
It was a long conversation. They admitted they have difficulty getting her to eat breakfast, which explains her hunger later in the mornings. They were steadfast that she always has a big healthy lunch and dinner, and there are no problems there, but perhaps more snacking is required. We spoke about incorporating dairy into the diet for breakfast as she was clearly seeking it. We ended up googling organic brands that we can source locally, and agreed that she can eat these.
I gently suggested that a great start in life is a healthy body and diet, but a great start in life is also feeling encouraged to experiment and explore. They said they absolutely wish to have a child who is independent. They said they’ve been incredibly conscious not to contribute to a society where everything is about overproduction and overconsumption, but that perhaps their boundaries have been a little strict.They admitted they probably won’t have a choice once she gets more exposure to the outside world. I suggested that that was a good thing though, instead of dictating what she eats/when, they could instil good tools now about choice and recognising feeling hungry/full etc.
It felt like an ok start to what I pray is a fad. Obviously I realise the immediate and long term implications on my nieces health, so I will definitely take up those suggestions of feeding her up (if she is hungry). I’m unsure whether to follow the advice from some on weighing her... she does go to a doctor.