AIBU to ignore parents dietary wishes for their che

[Calmondeck]

(For background, I’m in a country where things have reopened)

I am currently spending a lot of time with my brother’s 2 DC, giving him and his wife a few hours break from the kids each day (they were going batty in lockdown). The DC are on extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons - v limited grain/carbs, no milk, no sugar, 1 small piece a fruit per day. We were recently at the park where some other parents expressed surprise at the small frame of one of the DC.

This DC (3yrs) is always asking me for food when we are alone together. We planned to have a picnic in the park (prepared/approved snacks from home) and were joined by a friend who brought homemade banana bread and butter. Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

DC asks me for milk for her doll (which I put into a little toy bottle and she subsequently drinks herself / pretends to feed it to the doll if within eyesight of the parents), we also sometimes sneak in a natural yogurt on our trips together and grain crackers.

I am not a parent, but can imagine feeling frustrated if someone I trusted my children’s care to was defying my groundrules. At the same time, this child is underweight, and when I enquired with my brother about whether she eats all of her dinner (worried perhaps I was creating dinner time issues for them later at home) he said the DC always eats everything she is given. AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

I think you should try to find food and snacks that meet their normal diet (are they vegan?), I don’t agree that every hungry child is starved, mine would never stop if given the option. There is a difference between parents making poor food choices and outright neglect. I would talk to the parents and say you think she must be going through a growth spurt and what types of foods would they recommend.

Can you take a photo of shoulder blades and spine and then seek advice?
I absolutely would try and feed up, but it’s only a short term solution.

What country are you in?
It might be abuse. It’s hard to know.

Why don’t you just get her more food that her parents allow her to eat.

I read an article about a lady whose kids were on a strict diet and when her children started stealing butter in the supermarket she realised they were malnourished.

In fact here it is: www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/healthy-living/how-our-vegan-diet-made-us-ill-848322.html

A paleo diet is completely unsuitable for children and will lead to long term health issues, and can lead to lifetime disabilities.

This is severe neglect and you should contact the authorities.

Do they go to school? Contact the school if you're not comfortable with calling social services directly.

Is she growing upwards ok? Does her skin look all right or is it dry and scaly? Is she bright and attentive?

One of my DC has dry scaly skin, growth problems and probable ADHD... He eats a near-optimal diet as recommended by a nutritionist including expensive supplements!!

Have they come up with this diet on their own? Are they following a fad?

What kind of healthcare/follow-ups do children have in your country? Health visitor? Paediatrician? Anyone who might notice?

Unless for health reasons, children should not be on restrictive diets. I would talk to them and tell them you are not comfortable with this stupidity, and point out child is constantly hungry. God, I feel so mad in that child's behalf , WTF are they thinking.

You need to deal with the issue directly. Sneaking the child some food won't help anyone longterm and when the child tells their parents it is likely you won't see them unsupervised again.

If you believe the child's nutritional needs are not being met speak to the parents first, I'd you are still not satisfied find out who their health visitor is and report.

Paleo for children? Jesus Christ.

Carbs are essential for brain function, and unlike protein, the body can’t metabolise other food into carbs.

Adults can be ok with 30-40gr of carbs a day but children need more.

I don’t think she is neglected, she’s just very small and very hungry

This is a contradiction, OP. I think the reason you're struggling with this is because it's right to feed the child, but wrong to go against your brother's parenting requests.

This is because his requests are wrong, so the problem is bigger than you. If you think that a child (any child) is not being fed enough, you MUST report to child welfare services. It will have a profound effect on their physical and mental health for the rest of their life.

You’re not a rebel, you are contributing to a situation that is not in the best interests of these children. Tell your brother to feed his damn kids!

DS had milk, egg & soya allergies/ intolerances as a toddler which were a significant disruption to his diet. It was something that could be substituted around with some support from dieticians. Not ideal but the health benefit was worth the logistical difficulties.

His growth stagnated while he was on a restricted diet, and caught up after we were able to reintroduce the foods.

I can not get my head around parents that voluntarily impose multiple significant dietary restrictions on young children.

An unsuitable, inadequate diet will have long term consequnces on growth, development, bone density etc as well as a relationship with food.

I'd report it. While healthy children can be very lean, it is worrying that she does not appear to be sated by the diet imposed on her and will sneak what she can when her "approved" diet is highly unlikely to meet the needs for her age group.

I'd say the parents need to be reported to Social Services for failing to provide proper nourishment to their children.

Report. They are neglecting them

I don’t know what to think tbh. There are plenty of parents making dietary choices for their children - GAPS diet etc. And it’s doable and healthy. Can you have a word with your brother and ask him to get the child checked over?
Can you ensure the child is getting enough food within the constraints of their diet?

Do they drink any milk alternatives that you can give them when they ask for milk?

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Do you think she seems healthy (bright eyes, energetic etc) apart from being hungry?

So it's ok for children to be routinely hungry? Children are growing. They need fuel. If they are hungry, then they should be eating unless there are concerns about weight (not the case here).

Being small/underweight and hungry means this child needs to eat. And needs to eat calorie, fat and protein rich foods which will nourish them.

I didn't say it was all right did I? I was just wondering what she thought of her niece's health otherwise. These questions came from the NHS's description of malnutrition. I agree that something is clearly not right but if it's your brother's child you want to tread carefully in case they stop you seeing it, I would imagine.

@nanbread
Disagree a child that doesn’t drink milk with be smaller .. as it’s ‘designed to make a big cow’ lol, cows eat grass their whole life ffs. It’s concerning this child is so small. Milk or not!

@nanbread

Is she growing upwards ok? Does her skin look all right or is it dry and scaly? Is she bright and attentive?

One of my DC has dry scaly skin, growth problems and probable ADHD... He eats a near-optimal diet as recommended by a nutritionist including expensive supplements!!

But presumably isn't constantly hungry?

Have you posted about this before?
Seems familiar

Children’s stomachs are small, they can’t get in the amount of calories they need by for instance, eating lots more of the vegetables they are allowed, as the vegetables are bulky and low in calories. They need some calorie dense food. So just giving a toddler more of the very low calorie and hard to process food that they are allowed to eat won’t help at all.

I would

(1) Feed the child as much (in quantity) as you can, within the restricted guidelines. E.g. fruit is allowed, albeit in small quantities, so I would feel comfortable giving more fruit than that.
(2) Find good, nutritious, calorific recipes that fit, more or less, within the guidelines and let the child have as much of those as they like.
(3) Be clear with your brother that you will occasionally allow the child special treats, such as an icecream on a day out, or sweets for a birthday, but that these won't be every day.
(4) Say to your brother that you are a bit concerned that she's not growing. Ask what percentile she's on for height/weight? Ask whether that's changed or is staying about the same? If it's dropping suggest that they talk to a doctor or a nutritionist about it. They may be able to stick to their ethical principles but make some changes that will produce a healthy diet, or they may need to include things that they would prefer not to, but it is not okay to compromise her health as she grows up. Children need a different diet from adults. But you aren't the expert, and it would be much better to encourage them to get good, professional advice on this.

If I were you I would find out the appropriate person to report it to in your country. Underweight children eating as much as they can without the parents knowing is a big red flag. Somebody in authority needs to have a word with parents.

What on earth are the environmental/ethical reasons? A vegan or locally produced diet is arguably ethical, but what you describe is nothing like that? This sounds like child abuse, whether deliberate or due to an eating disorders in the parents (eg. Orthorexia is an obsession with "clean eating").

You need to understand this as neglect and act accordingly.