AIBU to ignore parents dietary wishes for their che

[Calmondeck]

(For background, I’m in a country where things have reopened)

I am currently spending a lot of time with my brother’s 2 DC, giving him and his wife a few hours break from the kids each day (they were going batty in lockdown). The DC are on extremely strict diets for ethical/environmental reasons - v limited grain/carbs, no milk, no sugar, 1 small piece a fruit per day. We were recently at the park where some other parents expressed surprise at the small frame of one of the DC.

This DC (3yrs) is always asking me for food when we are alone together. We planned to have a picnic in the park (prepared/approved snacks from home) and were joined by a friend who brought homemade banana bread and butter. Before I could stop DC, she reached for the butter and popped the entire thing in her mouth. I was silently laughing to myself, but decided not to react to DC.

DC asks me for milk for her doll (which I put into a little toy bottle and she subsequently drinks herself / pretends to feed it to the doll if within eyesight of the parents), we also sometimes sneak in a natural yogurt on our trips together and grain crackers.

I am not a parent, but can imagine feeling frustrated if someone I trusted my children’s care to was defying my groundrules. At the same time, this child is underweight, and when I enquired with my brother about whether she eats all of her dinner (worried perhaps I was creating dinner time issues for them later at home) he said the DC always eats everything she is given. AIBU to continue this little eating charade when DC is in my care?

Barring medical purposes outrageous for small children to be on any sort of diet. No problem with kids being vegan, but no child should be hungry. What an earth are their reasons? Vegans are allowed bloody fruit, why limit it to one small portion?

Your children should not be on such a restrictive diet and they absolutely need calcium at that age so I would be worried about the no milk/diary aspect (unless allergies). It's difficult. My husband and I used to look after our niece and nephew a lot when they were young and they too were underfed and underweight, mostly because their mother spent money on drugs rather than food - we fed them and some of that was food their mother didn't approve of them eating (meat products) but the kids health was more important.

Yes I know I sound like a sanctimonious bitch.

I agree that this isn’t neglect op. Neglect is when you cause suffering by simply not bothering looking after a child’s needs. These parents are deliberately denying a child what it needs. This is abuse

I would inform the authorities in this instance.

It is a tricky one but you need to first say this diet is not right for a child then report if they don't change the diet. It breaks my heart to read of a 3 year old sneaking in milk under the pretence of role play when parents watching. Setting up for psychological issues. Even if they are good parents in other ways, food is a basic need so certainly neglect. Hopefully the authorities can educate/ help with mental issues your brother and sister in law have around food.

You’d feed a child in secret instead of reporting to the local social services?

Right

Either she’s fine - so stop defying her parents, or she is not - so protect her properly.

Not feeding a child enough calories is the most basic form of neglect.

I've noticed this can happen with parents who have (or have had) food/weight issues themselves.

A local mum near me ia a PT and tells people her DS does not even like chocolate - yet on play dates the little girl wants everything she is offered - or sees - and loves chocolate like most children. She just appeases her mum in her presence and is very controlled.

Really sad and a future issue is def building up.

I'd feed your DN, too :)

Personally I'd feed them when in my care. They are being neglected if they are constantly hungry.

It doesn't matter if they seem happy, children living with hunger learn to live and get on with it. Unless there is genuine food poverty, it's neglect.

I'd possibly throw in a chewable multi vitamin, or liquid in their drinks. You can get vegan ones.

If they are being starved, they need calories while with you. A shoulder blade shot wouldn't prove anything. The little boy who starved to death in the UK didn't look particularly thin. He seemed a happy boy, just stole and begged for food.

OP please please do not shut your eyes to this.
Yes this is neglect. Yes neglect happens in 'normal' middle class homes.

Discuss your serious concerns with your brother. If this fails contact the authorities.

Please do not fail these children.

Experienced similar. I'm 4'9".

Lots of people are missing the point, saying things like "my child is small and her diet is fine!"

The facts are:

• this child is on a very restrictive diet (only being allowed one piece of fruit a day for fear of excess carbs/sugar FFS)
• they are always hungry
• they are small/ underweight (worth checking this against NHS size charts for children)

On those facts, the correct conclusion is likely to be the simplest. The child is malnourished. Children need carbs and fats and calorie rich foods!

I agree that this isn’t neglect op. Neglect is when you cause suffering by simply not bothering looking after a child’s needs. These parents are deliberately denying a child what it needs. This is abuse

Neglect is a form of abuse regardless of whether parents are unwilling or unable to meet their child’s needs - neglect is abusive in it own right, they aren’t separate things.

I was neglected medically by my parents. They fed me, but didn't seek medical care when I needed it due to fears of Big Pharma etc. It was well intended ("Poor medical choices" to paraphrase someone further up the thread) but it was still neglect, and the consequences affect me to this day.

OP you cant say they are very loved If they are being starved! And that is neglect. The child has already worked out a way to get milk for her dolls- shes developing a very unhealthy relationship with food. You need to address this with the parents who supposedly love their children. This is serious and doing nothing about it makes you as bad.

It sounds like the children are being neglected/abused - lack of food!

Wow - if this is the case they are dreadful parents - they need educating or reporting or both

I am vegetarian and by default because of allergies (dairy brings me out in eczema and hives) veganish.

Dc were brought up vegetarian.

I looked into whether to bring them up vegan but the articles I read didn’t recommend it. It was possible but it means making sure the right amount of calories and vitamins are eaten and it was simpler to just bring them up vegetarian
I must have done something right as they both tower over us.

Vegan paleo is for adults not for children.
Veganism for children needs careful monitoring
They need lots of fruit and vegetables and calcium loaded foods as well as proteins, fats and carbohydrates.

This sounds there is very little carbs. What proteins and fats do they eat. Lots of milk or soya milk

But as milk would be considered a carbohydrate where are they getting the calcium from

If you believe your niece is starving you must immediately report to the equivalent of SS and you must explain to your brother you think she is malnourished.

YABU - firstly if she isn’t used to such rich or high quantities of food, she might be quite ill or have a sore stomach. What you should be doing is either talking to her parents and reporting them if you still have any concerns.

This sounds like abuse. I’d report. There will be an inevitable family shit storm but better that than see these children deliberately starved.

Can you say a bit more about what sort of food the 3 year old is allowed and has? It does sound very restricted and I’d be a bit worried they were imposing such a strict diet. But, there are periods when my children have been ravenous and periods when they’ve eaten like a bird. It is possible, that your babysitting has coincided with a ravenous period.

How bizarre...I think this sounds worrying, tbh. Do the children have the energy to run around/do things, or are they tired and listless?

We might be towards the other end of the spectrum and I'm over-reliant on chocolate buttons to secure compliance , but my DS's diet centres around the following: porridge, 2-3 small cups of milk, fruit and vegetables (usually 2-3 fruit and at least 2, preferably 3+ vegetables), eggs, peanut butter, toast, cheese, rice cakes, nuts, baked beans, fish, chicken, chilli, rice, wholewheat pasta, mashed potatoes (usually with cheese and milk!), sweet potato, fish fingers and chips occasionally...Then he usually has 1 "naughty" (not that we use that word!) snack a day - a biscuit, a few chocolate buttons, one of those little kiddie yoghurts, a little ice-cream cone or a small piece of cake. He is 2.5, incredibly active and on the skinny side.

I try to limit fruit to mealtimes to protect his teeth and do refuse him more milk and give water instead if he's just had a whole cup. But I never ever refuse food if he asks for a snack and I'd find the diet you describe incredibly restrictive for a little growing person (might be good for me, though ).

So you would leave a child to go hungry

Why not give her extra high cal food within the rules? Eg tempa or tofu deep fried or tossed in olive oil, baked sweet potato, lashings of homemade guacomole / soy cream / nut butters. Seems like you are too lazy to figure out something that would work for the kids and are just reaching out for the processed shit.

something that would work for the kids and are just reaching out for the processed shit.

It sounds like op has given the children some milk and crackers. She's hardly feeding them Irn Bru and McDonald's.

YANBU

Are your neice's parents involved in any kind of religious movement or commune?

I'm asking because this kind of issue is not uncommon in relation to some such organisations, usually alongside home schooling.

Sometimes well meaning parents can herm or even kill their children by neglecting to feed them properly, often under the mistaken belief that all kinds of important food groups are toxic.

I am extermely concerned about reading about your niece OP, please understand that you ANBU

Please also be aware that extended members of the Turpin family in the US had some concerns about child neglect and that the neglect and abuse got much worse after the Turpin family isolated their children, at least in part so that they did not have to deal with concerned relatives.

I would play my card close to my chest IIWY and try to keep in contact with your neice's parents, keep a good relationship on the surface, but get your ducks in row re reporting to the authorities ASAP