AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand your post. Is the gist grant a bunch of your DD’s friends called her saying you had coronavirus because you’re disabled but one friend stood up for her? And then you’ve called the parents and they’ve dealt with it? But then the girls met up the next day but didn’t invite DS?

If that’s the case, it’s shit. But you’ve spoken to their parents and they’ve said they’ve dealt with it, ie speaking to their daughters.

Do you really want DD hanging out with girls who were shit to her the next day? Maybe let the dust settle and your DD to get her equilibrium back with them.

Could it be that they have read or heard about underlying health condition and worried that they might catch it from your Dd? In other words 2 plus 2 made 5.

Thanks. Yes that’s what happened. Dd and the friend who stuck up for dd was around one friends house. They were around another.

The mother of the friend, who stuck up for dd didn’t even give me a heads up that this was happening. The girls continued to bully dd btw. Nasty messages after the parents were invited. Then they bullied her on Roblox.

Pixxie
Cross post. I have known 2 of the girls for years. They know I’m ill. Yes, it was whipped into a frenzy. But dd and her friend tried Robert the record straight to be met with nasty messages, shut up, whatever.

The school have been informed.

Robert = to set

So you're upset because the girls who bullied and really upset your daughter didn't invite her to meet them the following day?
I would have been more upset if they had tbh. I would suspect some kind of set-up, standing her up or something.
Why would you want her to be pally with bullies? Hardly teaches her self worth...

PomBear
I’m not upset they didn’t invite her. No. I am on 2 hours sleep here...

I’m upset because:
a) The parents saw fit to cancel the Saturday meet up, which I saw as punishment to them because of the bullying. Then reinstate it.

b) The parents and supposed friends didn’t make their children apologise and have continued to let them free reign to their devices fo continue bullying my child.

c) The mother of the girl, who stuck up for dd is a good friend of mine and did not give me a heads up about them meeting up. Had I known, I could have at least let dd know.

One girl stuck up for dd, let's call her Mary.

Next day the bullies went to Starbucks and invited Mary who accepted.
Perhaps the hurt is that because Mary went with the bullies op's daughter feels let down and that there is now no-one on her side.

That's so shit and such poor form from the parents, I'd be absolutely fuming. Your poor DD.

If the girls are still sending nasty messages I'd keep calling the parents every single time until it is sorted out. I would also be screenshotting the messages and forwarding them to their parents.

We took a lot of screenshots. I told dd if they hassle dd to tell me and to screenshot anything she can and all evidence is going to school Monday. Dd was again not here when she saw the feed (we organised a play date to take her mind of it).

She called Mary up to say she was upset. Mary then tried to add one of the ringleaders to the call so dd hung up.

Sorry I was trying to look at it from a different perspective, I forgot how unkind children can be.💐

I agree it’s very poor form from the parents. I’m not going to contact them again beside giving them a heads up they continued and that I’m aware of the meet up.

Okay so call the parents again and have a proper chat with them. Explain you are upset that after three years of friendship they aren’t taking their daughters being mean about yours seriously enough and you feel they’re going behind your back to them exclude her.

user
Cross post.

Just a bit of background to this as it was too long to explain. Dd was friends for years and years with 2 of the girls. When dd went to secondary this year, they slowly stopped hanging around together as dd was being controlled by another girl for the whole school year, who didn’t want to socialise with them.... I only realised this recently and organised for them plus the nasty girl, lets call her Lisa. Lisa is in dds class.

The reason I invited Lisa is because these two girls befriended Lisa and Mary has been friends with Lisa for years. They had all been hanging around together leaving dd out (she was being controlled). But Lisa had suggested a few times that they hang out.

So last Sunday all the girls came to mine. I invited them as a reconciliation and get better acquainted with the ringleader in her class. Yesterday they were due to go to this other girls house, which got cancelled.

Sorry I’m not making much sense here. ..

So, for the year your daughter has not really been friends with her old friends but instead friends with ‘let’s call her Lisa’?

You were trying to push her back together with her old friends by inviting all of them around to yours, including Lisa who is not friends with your daughters old friends I.e seperate social groups? Then it all fell to shit over social media?

I’m not clear on whether the get-together the following day at Starbucks involved Lisa as well or was just the old friend group that your daughter has not been part of this year due to reforming friendship circles with Lisa? This but makes a difference as if it was Lisa and the other girls that’s poor form. If it was just the former friends she doesn’t hang out with any more but you are trying to push them back together then I don’t understand the big deal?

Also not sure why the school is being dragged into this? Sounds like all of this occurred under the eyes of parents not at school under their watch but maybe I’m wrong?

Also not sure why a bunch of 11yo’s are on social media? This is what happens. No way any of mine were on social media at that age and all get togethers etc were organised via parents.

This is all normal behaviour for preteens, isn’t it? But it’s exacerbated by social media (which yes, they are too young for!!)

I can’t get past all the meet-ups though; we are still in lockdown? Our Starbucks is only open for takeaways....

I meant the leaving out, by the way. It’s inexcusable to bully her because of your disability. Sadly, kids can be cruel.

They shouldn’t be cyber bullying your daughter, but they’re also not obligated to include your DD in everything or rekindle a friendship after she blew them off for the last year.

Ok so if we straighten this out your dd is 11. She started secondary school in september.

She was friends with anna and Bettie at primary school. When she went to secondary school she started being controlled by Lisa. She also made friends with Mary.

Mary was also friends with Lisa from before starting secondary. Because of being controlled by Lisa yoir DD stopped hanging around with Anna and Bettie.

You found out DD was being manipulated by DD. So rather than stopping contact with Lisa decided to get them all to be friends and introduced Lisa and Mary to Anna and Bettie at a play date with your daughter.

NOW all the girls have decided to gang up on DD and bully her based on your illness. Thinking you had CV and so therefore your DD too. This was done by phone and text and online.

In the bulling DD and Mary were together and Lisa, Anna and Bettie were together (why are they not social distancing unless you are not in the Uk).

All the girls were meant to go to Annas house but when you told her mum she cancelled (you thought this was punishment for the bullying.)

However they really just changed the meet up venue to Starbucks and invited Mary (who was probably already invited to the house meet up so what's the difference?) You thought Mary would stand up for your DD and not go. So now your DD has no support. If these girls are as nasty as you say Mary probably did not want to get on the wrong side of them.

However you should remember Mary was friends with Lisa first so she may not be the best person to support DD or have the confidence to stand up to Lisa, Anna and Bettie.

You should definitely tell the school about the bullying. You should also report it to 101 the non emergency police number so she has a crime reference number. Bullying is after all a crime. You can inform the school that you are doing this and ask them to tell the parents. Say to the school you would like apologies to your DD from the girls and for them to stop. Otherwise you will take it further with the police.

Do not engage with the parents or children anymore. It obviously just causes you both more stress. Also keep all the screen shots but block these girls from contacting your DD in future. Also try and get your DD to look for some other friends within her class.

Lisa had been in contact over the past month with dd about meeting. Dd went to her house just before lockdown with Mary and they got on well. Dd had been in contact with the other 2 friends about meeting up. Being 11 and 12 they aren’t very good at planning things. I contacted the mothers to see if the girls wanted to come to mine and it made sense for them all to do it together seeing as they’re all hanging round together but without my dd. Lisa is very domineering btw.

Lisa, the 2 girls and Mary all went to Starbucks.

No one was pushing them together. They were very happy to be reconciled with dd as were the mothers. For much of the year dd had been watching Mary hang out with her friends because dd was being controlled by another child.

Because I swing from being just functioning to not and from recovering from surgery to needing more, things slip through the cracks and it took lockdown for me to get the dynamic.

As for social media. As I said dd was allowed snapchat but not allowed to post on it or communicate on it. Ie Only to add bunny ears to photos. She did not break this rule btw as I told her what to write on the snapchats. She was too scared for me to step in as the adult at the time and in hindsight I made the wrong move. But this is new territory to me. Anything, which was put on the chat was approved by me as I was there.

Brutus the meet ups for dd are in gardens or at the park. It’s the summer.

It sounds very unpleasant for your DD but if I remember correctly; at this age it’s often half a dozen of one and 12 of the other - I’m not sure it’s realistic to eschew your daughter of all the responsibility of tinning her friends off for a year because of “being controlled by someone else”. She’s probably really hurt her old friend’s feelings and they are harbouring resentment over it. This behaviour has been shitty from them and doubtless she is upset, but if it’s a one time thing I would hope in a week or so the girls would apologise and all would go back to normal.

These things feel a lot worse than they are at the time. I would keep involving the other parents if they continue harassing with unpleasant messages.

OnlyLittleMiss

Nearly.

Dd was friends with Anna and Bettie at primary. She was also friends separately with the controlling girl, who I will call Patricia and Mary. Dd only got to know Patricia at the end of yr6 as she had changed schools. Dd met Mary at dancing years ago and became firm friends. Mary is friends with Lisa as they went to school together. Both Lisa and Patricia are controlling.

When dd went to secondary, she started hanging out with Anna and Bettie some of the time and at other times, she would hang out with another girl she befriended. Patricia dropped dd as soon as they reached secondary. Patricia then fell out with her new friend and I suggested to Patricia’s mother she hang around with dd again. Dd was happy to do that. But Patricia didn’t want dd to hang around with anyone else as she “doesn’t like to socialise”. At the same time, Anna and Bettie started hanging out with Lisa - all of whom wanted to hang out with dd.

As for Mary she tended to hang out with dd and Patricia sometimes but mostly with the others. Mary continued to be firm friends with dd out of school.