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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

165 replies

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 02:34

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

OP posts:
IHateCoronavirus · 21/06/2020 07:23

@Mummyoflittledragon

Pictish Sorry to hear this. I’m beginning to realise no one really cares how dd is being treated. I am unable to be like this about other people’s children. This is how she got into the situation with Patricia in the first place... maybe the lesson to take from this is to care more about your own.
I think the best way to handle it, is to be an ear and a confidant for your DD. Let her make her own decisions how to handle the situation and support those decisions. Comfort her and build up her confidence when you are together by doing things you both enjoy. She is learning how to cope in different socail situations. She can only do that by being allowed to try to find her own way, make her own mistakes and find her own accomplishments. Yes if this situation is ongoing school can be involved but are the girls at school at the moment?
ImInYourMindFuzz · 21/06/2020 07:24

Marys mother and I spoke at length to Mary and dd about sticking together etc.
But if girls don’t want to be friends with each other they don’t have to be. Forcing friendships is never going to end well. Were the girls really firm friends outside of school or just because you and mum were friends you wanted to the friendship more?

I’m sorry this is happening, I was left out a lot during school and bullied from years 7-10 / intermittently beyond, but I wouldn’t say this had texted bullying yet.

This is where I would spend time explaining to DD about people feeling insecure and hurting others to make themselves feel better/trying to push out other friends so they are included, and how other people cave to peer pressure.
Agreed.

I also think going to the school straight away means they are less likely to take you seriously if you really need them.
Also agreed. And if they school do actually do something it could escalate the situation tbh.

Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:26

Mumdiva
I agree. I only organised the one because Lisa is so domineering and her mother so submissive that it was impossible for dd to pin the girls down.

Crispy
Good point about the school. I’ll contact the school and say it’s settled down now so I will leave it for the moment.

I’m pissed off that the main pot stirrer has got off Scot free. But I do have an agreement with dd as to how to handle this in the future.

Ok I’ll take a step back and see what happens. Dd has got a really lovely bunch of friends from primary, who have been looking after her this week. Sadly these girls all go to another school not in our catchment.

OP posts:
nannybeach · 21/06/2020 07:29

This is of course what happens nowdays, at 11 kids should not be on social media, parents gets the "but everyone does it", had the same thing when my DKs were young but different topics. I was bullied at the same age at school, but it was physical on those days, a girl in my class with her gang of 5 boys, I lived nearer the school than them and most days managed to outrun them, one day I didnt, they pushed me over onto a gravel path,ground me up and down took the skin off my legs, (still of course have the scars) I had never told my parents about the bullying (again, you didnt in those days) My best friend lived next door, but she wasnt enough to counteract 6 nasty kids. Mye late DM was a very quiet (bullied herself as child and adult) and barely 5 feet, tall, she frogmarched me crying and bleeding to the girls house, confronted and showed the girls M, I cant remember the whole conversation, but it started if --- ever touches my daughter again. She was shocked and upset at her DD, it could have gone a different way, the parents actually owned and ran the village store.Technically if you are school uniform, until you get home, school, will have some interest, again in those days, they didnt

pilates · 21/06/2020 07:31

I think you need to withdraw from contacting parents, it’s making the situation worse. Obviously you need to be there for your DD and offer support and guidance but try and let them resolve it amongst themselves. It’s a horrible age for girls with friendship issues. You’ve reported cyber bullying to school let them deal with it. Hopefully it will blow over and your DD will realise who her true friends are. May be her old primary school friends have moved on.

crispysausagerolls · 21/06/2020 07:33

I’m pissed off that the main pot stirrer has got off Scot free

She’s probably not a very happy person, so in way she really hasn’t gotten off “scot free”. And your daughter knows not to include her in activities moving forward, when things are resolved 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you think, in all honesty, you are perhaps taking this a little more to heart than you would otherwise because the comments were about you? Understandable but good to be aware of.

pictish · 21/06/2020 07:34

OP it’s fine, he’s 18 now and all that is in the past.
I gradually cooled off from the mums of the lads involved after all that. Not that there was ever a confrontation or anything like that...while it was going on it was mentioned that it was a shame there had been a rift...but absolutely no acknowledgement of the fact that my son was being treated like a sack of shit by theirs, even though we all knew what was going on. Fair enough they don’t have to be friends with my son...but neither did they have to annihilate him. He was utterly miserable.
Like them, my loyalty was to my son and I couldn’t rightly do the wine nights or the gossip over coffee, knowing their kids were putting mine through hell while they looked in the other direction.
I didn’t miss them. Such is life.

Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:37

ImIn

Dd and Mary have been firm friends since they were about 7. Mary likes Patricia too. But is really dds friend. She is very similar to dd and likes hanging around with lots of kids, not just Patricia. But Patricia didn’t want to be part of any group. Mary was able to stand up to Patricia’s refusal to socialise when dd was not. Mary largely hung around with the others at school as a result.

When we were talking about dd and Mary, I wasn’t meaning it in the sense of ignoring the others and being just a 2. Rather looking after each other. Mary is a bit vulnerable and easily manipulated. It was to benefit them both.

As for the other points you quoted. I have already discussed this with dd. She still wants to be friends with them including Lisa so yes, I need to let it settle. She’s stood up to her now. So perhaps she can get to a status quo at some stage. My concern and Mary’s mother’s concern is that she will do it again. She and the other girl I mentioned, Louise, are renowned for it according to Mary’s mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:44

@crispysausagerolls

I’m pissed off that the main pot stirrer has got off Scot free

She’s probably not a very happy person, so in way she really hasn’t gotten off “scot free”. And your daughter knows not to include her in activities moving forward, when things are resolved 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you think, in all honesty, you are perhaps taking this a little more to heart than you would otherwise because the comments were about you? Understandable but good to be aware of.

You’re right and I am very aware of this. I am very hurt that my very private business was discussed on a chat with a bunch of bitching 11 and 12 yos and used against dd. I know I discuss it freely here. But I do not irl.

Then when Mary explained my illness to them, Lisa was leaving a string of nasty voice messages and the others going “whatevs”, “shut up”, “we never said she had corona just to not come because it could get bad if it spreads”, “you need to stay away”, “yeh”, “rude” etc.

Yes, perhaps Louise is very unhappy. I don’t know her. And maybe the others, who bitched are too.

OP posts:
Brieminewine · 21/06/2020 07:47

I think you need to take a step back, in year7/8 you are just finding your feet and friendship groups do change. You need to let your DD figure it out herself, unfortunately the nice days of primary school and organising play dates and dealing directly with the parents are over. It sounds like the girls have all said a couple silly comments and egged each other on and it’s gone a bit far, but if it’s just one incident I wouldn’t contact the school as you risk isolating your DD from these girls and it sounds like she wants to continue a friendship with at least one of them.

DinkyDaisy · 21/06/2020 07:49

Skimmed through so not clear on all details...
I have boys. One towards end of secondary, the other about to start.
Eldest had issues in year 7 on a game chat and whatsap. I involved myself initially and absolutely made it worse.
So, next step banned games with chat for some time and off whatsapp as well. All calmed down.
I became more aware of phone crap and even now know eldest password and he knows that.
My year 6 has no phone yet. Not looking forward to year 7 rubbish likely to come our way!

Brieminewine · 21/06/2020 07:51

I think it stings more because it’s comments about your disability, something you have no control over that you cannot change and are having to deal with daily. If they’d said something petty like ‘you have shit hair’ you can minimise that and laugh about it and mock their hair back in private etc but your disability is no laughing matter.

Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:51

She wants to be friends with all of them actually. What do I do with that? Leave her to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:52

Yes it stings because of my disability.

OP posts:
alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 21/06/2020 07:52

OP you seem overly involved in all of this. Take a step back and stop contacting parents and schools at every little slight. It is understandable to contact once to tell them what is going on but you sound just as immature as these girls. Also why are all these children in your and others houses? Aren’t you still following lockdown guidelines?

pictish · 21/06/2020 07:54

Yes. You have to. While she might want to be friends with everyone, they can still choose not to be friends with her. Your role is to guide her through dealing with these issues herself. You have no hope of salvaging anything on her behalf. What will be will be. It’s all further stitching on the tapestry of life.

Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 07:57

Dinky
I’ve spoken to a mum with older girls and she said if ever this happened, she would go online and say something simple like “It’s me, not dd. I think we need to just cool it now.” Then get her dd to log off for a while to let them have a think and let it settle. Had dd been at home, I would have taken the phone away and spoken calmly to them about how silly this is getting and it was enough. Bettie’s mother didn’t do this. She told them they had misunderstood but didn’t have the force to tell them to stop.

OP posts:
Brieminewine · 21/06/2020 08:00

Yep leave her to it, they’ll probably make friends and break friends many times, it’s going to be hard to watch but she needs to learn how to deal with this on her own. Just keep an eye on her phone to make sure it doesn’t turn nasty or into bullying.

pictish · 21/06/2020 08:00

My mum was disabled and had a noticeably misbalanced gait and used a wheelchair too. I did experience ignorance and nastiness about her from time to time but honestly, it was so far beneath me even as a kid, that I didn’t take it on board except to think of them as absolute idiots. My mum was similarly disdainful of such rubbish. Not worth our bother.

NameChange84 · 21/06/2020 08:00

It’s awful especially given it seems to be related to you having a disability.

However, surely they’ve fabricated the “going to Starbucks” thing?

They aren’t open. It can’t be much fun to have to socially distance in a queue for a takeaway? A bit pathetic really if that’s their idea of such a good time that they can make another girl jealous with. In fact, it’s not even every Starbucks that’s open for takeaway. Have you seen proof they really did that?

LIZS · 21/06/2020 08:01

I also think you need to step back. The more you and your dd engage the worse it is likely to become. Unfortunately girl friendship group dynamics can be nasty late primary/early secondary but it does shake down eventually.

Your longstanding parent friends are not yet taking this seriously with their dds. Can you go back to Annie's and state that it is ongoing as far as you are concerned so will be limiting your dd online presence. Then suggest to dd to focus on her other group of friends and avoid these for now. Try to build her resilience. Chances are without her as a target they will turn on another in the group and it may flag then it to the other parents.

Original poster
Mummyoflittledragon · 21/06/2020 08:03

alliwant
I take it you’re not disabled. Immature. Piffle. I’m reacting in very visceral way because it was about me. And I have tried very hard to hide my disability because it’s mine to do that and private. Perhaps you like anal sex. I’m sure you don’t go broadcasting it. I feel the same way about my disability. I also know children use disability to bully children. As do adults.

Pictish
Of course they can choose not to be friends with dd.

Ok. If these girls call dd again, I will tell her to pick up and talk to them and I’ll be there if it gets out of control again.

Thanks

OP posts:
pictish · 21/06/2020 08:05

“It can’t be much fun to have to socially distance in a queue for a takeaway?”

Au contraire! They’re in a group and they have somewhere to go...that’s all that matters. Standing in the queue for Starbucks is tremendous fun for a gaggle of 11 year old girls.
You wouldn’t enjoy it but you’re a grown up.

Carolbaskinstiger · 21/06/2020 08:07

Seriously op - step back. Taking things that 11 year old say personally is going to cause you no end of heartache. I can imagine how this drama unfolded “did you know “little dragons mum has x so she’s susceptible to coronavirus... to “omg she has Coronavius” cue screaming and drama.

It’s silly and it’s immature but they are 11 and 12.

NameChange84 · 21/06/2020 08:09

Pictish...nah, I’m sure you will be shocked to hear this but I even hated queuing as an 11 year old and saw it as an enormous waste of time.

OP I’d be discouraging these house visits too anyway. We are still supposed to be social distancing and you already have a disability without needing Coronavirus too if your daughter catches it and passes it on.