AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

I also think you are fearing the changing friendships with the other mums. You need to work out if you would want them to continue whether your dds stay friendly longer term or not. Can you still remain on good terms and see each other, putting aside what has been going on.

I also have a 10 year old. I would react in the same way. If the ops daughter is actually confident and comfortable going to her then the op needs to follow her daughters lead. I may have missed it but did the op say her dd didnt want her to get involved?

Those of you who think it's reasonable for a parent to contact other parents at secondary school re friendship issues (not bullying, the usual growing apart and changing friendship groups and minor arguments all DC have) - what age do you think this is acceptable and what age would you stop doing this?

It's a genuine question as I'm really interested in the answers.

I had similar when my dd was 11 they where still in primary
I did not contact any parents went to the school about it and to be honest looking back now I think this made it worse.
She was totally left out off everything for the last few months off primary she couldn't even go on last school trip as the girls had totally isolated her for telling school and school done nothing.
Friend A had invited all girls in class to her house to do each other up in makeup and have PJ party
Friend a mum left me a voicemail to say it was cancelled and would rearrange
But it wasn't cancelled she just changed her mind about inviting my dd and they all posted photos on Instagram which was heartbreaking for my dd.
Luckily 3 month later they went to secondary school and none off them have kept on touch with girl that had the party she didn't even go to her own prom so she ended up been the loser by been the mean girl.
Your dd will get over it.
It will blow over quicker if you stay out of it.
The regret I have is telling school

It sounds awful for your poor daughter. Pretty typical teenage stuff though. Friendship groups sometimes combust at this age. It is horrible at the time but your DD might end up with better and more suitable friends. Just support her the best you can (and obviously act if they are repeatedly bullying her).

@OhFuckOffWithTheBubbleBollocks

I let the friendships form naturally without interference. I only contacted other parents to arrange to collect/lifts or to check about sleepovers...which I did right the way thro secondary. I did see other parents at school & sporting events so we would chat but I never ph'd up about any issues. Keep the drama to a minimum & let kids work it out...you are there if needed.

Op you clearly don’t like Lisa, and have made a judgment of her mums parenting skills in one meeting.
I think you’d be very happy for you dd and all her friend to ignore Lisa and exclude her for the groups. I think then you’d say it was her doing.
I wonder how the other mums feel? Whether they feel that your dd excluded their children at times when she was being ‘lead and controlled’ by Lisa. I think you need to be a bit objective and try to dampen things down, the others may have a very different experience and perception of what has been going on.

The other children have tried to call your dd, and your dd didn’t answer. I understand that she didn’t want to because Lisa was on the call. But now you want to call the parents to ask them to call your dd? Do you see how over involved you are.

I think you need to be very careful because you come across as being very near to bullying Lisa yourself. However she’s a 12 year old child and you are an adult.

Think about what she has done. Sent some horrible messages and met up at Starbucks with out dd.
But you have been ringing round all the mums trying to get them to stick together.

I’m not saying that what they have done is ok, but I think you really need to think about what your aims are here.

From the mums perspective it was ok for
Your dd to make new friends, you weren’t rushing around making dd stick together, but when it’s the other way it seems a problem.

If I was you, I’d leave it a few days and them encourage dd to text one of the girls in the group to meet up, and see what happened. Hopefully it will all blow over.

Girls are just the worst to each other sometimes, aren't they?, It's so hurtful.

I'd send to screenshots to the parents you know well. Perhaps their child has told them another version of events that minimised what happened.

@Mummyoflittledragon some of your responses are totally immature and downright cruel and vile.

It's actually no wonder your child can't stand on her own two feet when you're sitting beside her telling her what to reply on Snapchat?

You need to take a huge step back and let her manage her own life. You may think you're helping her, but you're not. She isn't equipped to deal with all this because you've been dealing with it for her.

I can imagine my dds response if I said I was going to message her friends mum to tell them to toe the line.

Step back OP. Perhaps your dd may prove to be mor mature than some of the responses you have lashed at people here who have been trying to help and give advice.

No doubt some name calling will come my way also, but seriously, step back.

The OP's behaviour has been OTT and some of her responses have been very inappropriate, so I'm not justifying those. But she's been a very long-term poster on MN, who doesn't have form for such comments on here. Quite clearly, this is because of the comments about her disability and the suggestion that she has COVID-19 when she doesn't and it's been very triggering because of the way her brother treated her in the past (which she has spoken about before on here).

The other reason I feel bad is because they stopped seeing eachother as much after school when I had my second major surgery during yr6. .... Then because I couldn’t drive further than in the village for months, she stopped seeing them completely

I don't think this is anything to do with you. Friendship groups change at this age - it happened to me at this age it's happened to both my older children and I'd be suprised if it doesn't happen for DD2.

When my kids were primary age they often couldn't see their friends in holidays - for whole load of reasons - they still hung out together at school and got on. I'm not sure they saw them at all summer before secondary as everyone got busy.

Honestly I'd focus on outside school activites that may end up happening next year so not all her socializing happens at school - I think that's the best thing we did for ours so they knew it wasn't them that was the problem.

Wowww OP from your updates you are far, far too invested in the lives of 11 year olds if there is legit bullying then of course step in to protect your daughter, but being involved at this level I can’t imagine is going to assist the situation? Some 11 year olds are shits, they’re children, you can’t manage them to do what your daughter wants.

The intensity of your messages are disturbing op. Your dd in my view is not being systemically bullied, this is just normal pre teen behaviour.

What your dd needs you to do is back off, and leave her to sort out her own friendship issues. Your job is to step back and listen, IF she asks for your advice then gently suggest a few ideas, but to muscle into the fray as you are doing is awful. She is going to have to deal with the Lisas of the world all of her life, and how is she ever going to learn the skills needed if you are taking over constantly?

I have dds and have seen most things over the years. What works is teaching your girl that they will NOT be invited to everything and that is fine, you will not get on with everyone and that is fine, and not everyone will like you and that is fine. Bright and breezy wins the day unless the bullying is actually happening, arguments and disagreements? Teach her to keep a cool head and look to move on quickly.

Lisa is allowed to be domineering if she wants, she can be whoever she wants to be, you can not police the characters of other peoples children! And should not try to tell others of her assumed flaws, gossiping about other people's children is going to end very badly, mainly for you and what others think of you.

If you dd is running into problems encourage other friendships for a while both school and home, keep things light and easy. No big deal lets invite some other girls over and have fun. Not to take photos and show off but to actually enjoy many different friendships and so she is not too heavily reliant on any one person or group. If dd is sad, listen and ask HER what she thinks the solution might be, don't just jump in.

Let the girls grow, be themselves. Stay the hell out of it is my best advice, because you can only make things worse.

But so many others have told you this already on here, are you listening?

I suspect it won’t be an issue for much longer, because if the OP keeps emailing the parents and the school (who haven’t seen them since March so I’m not sure what she expected them to do) then the parents will just tell them to avoid the OP’s DD because it’s not worth the hassle.

@alliwantisagoodnightssleep
I think you may need some professional help your replies including the disgusting sex remark are overly invested. I am going to step away from this thread as you don’t seem to be a very nice person

Absolutely agree with you. The kids are sounding more grown up than the OP to be honest 🙄