AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

crispysausage
I get that. I contacted both mothers first and asked them to explain the situation to their dds. But I suppose one chat isn’t enough.

What a mess

And I’m not eschewing her. Of course dd had choices. She said she was embarrassed to hang out with them as they are now the cool kids. Patricia is very individualistic. Dd is in between. Basically dd was trying to find her place and being pulled in 2 different directions.

Additionally Patricia lives closeby. Anna and Bettie moved a car journey away. With me not being well, seeing Patricia is also physically an easier option for dd. She is always available as dd is or at least was Patricias only friend. Their friendship finished because Patricia saw the one playdate last Sunday as excluding her.

@Mummyoflittledragon

And I’m not eschewing her. Of course dd had choices. She said she was embarrassed to hang out with them as they are now the cool kids. Patricia is very individualistic. Dd is in between. Basically dd was trying to find her place and being pulled in 2 different directions.

Additionally Patricia lives closeby. Anna and Bettie moved a car journey away. With me not being well, seeing Patricia is also physically an easier option for dd. She is always available as dd is or at least was Patricias only friend. Their friendship finished because Patricia saw the one playdate last Sunday as excluding her.

So your mad that DD was left out of a play date even though she did the same thing to Patricia the week before but that’s ok because you don’t like Patricia?

Allosaurus

I never said I didn’t like Patricia. Patricia practically lived in our garden at half term. I fed her several times. This was one playdate. Just one. Dd and I discussed not hurting Patricia before any of this was set up. Consequently, dd sounded Patricia out and she told Dd she doesn’t like any of them.

As for how Patricia acts about people she doesn’t like? During half term, a girl Patricia doesn’t like called and spoke to dd while Patricia was at my house. Dd had not been on the call for more than a few seconds when Patricia very loudly said “I don’t like you” loud enough for the other girl to hear. The other girl replied “I don’t like you either”. Patricia stomped off in a huff and dd ended the call.

It would have been extremely unwise to have invited Patricia to our home under those circumstances.

It's not nice at all but you're making it too much about you. Your an adult and a kid said a stupid thing. If you are making out to your daughter that you're hurt by it she's going to feel 10x worse.

I don't tolerate this sort of behaviour and think it's appalling but I certainly wouldn't want her meeting up with them.

You're not your

I sympathise with your DD, but this isn’t a gang of 5 girls who have been friend for years and years. This is a new group, who are establishing hierarchies in their friendship. It is pretty rare to find a group of five preteens who aren’t unkind to each other sometimes.
I would feel very hurt too, if I were your DD, but you can’t control how the parents deal with it, you can only control how you deal with it.
These girls are clearly looking for a bit of drama; they’re probably bored.

Basically dd was trying to find her place and being pulled in 2 different directions

But this is eschewing her of responsibility! When DD is hurting other people; it’s not her fault because they are pulling here. What if you look at yesterday as Lisa pulling the other girls around.

Girls at this age are, as a PP said, looking for drama etc and building friendship hierarchies. This sounds like a situation where all the girls have, at some point in the year, been hurtful or hurt.

I’m not Teflon. Marys mother and I spoke at length to Mary and dd about sticking together etc. Dd feels deserted. Mary’s mother is my friend. I feel very hurt that she didn’t just give me a heads up that it was happening. She knew the bullying was continuing. Had I known, I would have contacted Annie, Bettie and Lisa’s parents to let them know it isn’t resolved.

For me, the adults needed to get the kids together to hammer it out. But the parents didn’t suggest this. Dd and I both want it resolved and move on. I don’t want to contact the school but I feel I have no choice. I can not force people to work with me.

Dd isn’t aware of how I feel. This is a safe space to write, isn’t it?

crispy
Cross post. The girls all defer to Lisa. When I contacted the mums, I also said this is happening today to dd but I am concerned it will be to their dds another day. They agreed and said they realise she is very difficult. For me, they are not advocating for their children either. But I am not responsible for their reactions.

I agree everyone has got hurt at some stage and they are trying to find a hierarchy. There are also other children involved, who I haven’t mentioned who are also pulling them away from dd.

But this sounds like one incident? Is this just one incident? In which case I really wouldn’t involve the school! It will make a huge drama out of something that sounds like girls being unpleasant. It’s very hurtful and unacceptable what they said, yes, but IMO school involvement is for prolonged bullying, which this doesn’t sound like it is (I could be wrong!)

Have you spoken to Lisa’s mother? What’s her family like?

Also what did the mothers say when you told them about the content of the messages??

Dd isn’t aware of how I feel
Of course she is.

I'm also not sure it's not worse for an adult to try and manipulate the friendships of a bunch of 11/12 year olds.

I'm sorry your dd has been hurt but you need to ensure your hurt isn't also compounding hers

Ack these friendship issues can be so tough and hurtful. A lot of people dismiss this as ‘kids stuff’ but for the one who is being targeted for nastiness and ostracisation it is deeply hurtful, stressful and humiliating, just as it would be if it happened to an adult. It’s worse actually because kids have no filter or finesse yet and the form of bullying they tend to take is savage and very public. It’s a horrible thing to go through whether you’re 11 or 111 so she has my sympathy.

There is nothing a bunch of little savages like more than a common enemy...and if they don’t have one, they’ll make one.

You are very unlikely to get any support from the parents beyond a nominal acknowledgement. They’ll take their own girls’ part and tell you they can’t force friendships...which is true. As long as their kid is ok, they won’t interfere. They won’t care how your daughter is being treated. Their loyalty is to their own kid so they’ll shrug it off and look the other way.

I haven’t really got any advice for you or your daughter. It’s one of those things you can’t hope to control. It’s a bleak and upsetting incidence but the silver lining is that these situations all churn out as experience in choosing better companions as we mature. Perhaps your daughter will be less easy to control after this...after all, her acquiescence hasn’t won her any loyalty here has it? Often the pay-off for being made a mug of is a thicker skin and more discerning taste. It’s just shit while it’s happening.

Oh and p.s - this happened to my son when he was about 13/14. The ringleader of the group decided my lad was persona non grata out of the blue and all the others followed. My son was so distressed. Some of the mums were my ‘friends’ too. They weren’t interested, didn’t give a fuck how poorly their kids were behaving or how awful my boy was being made to feel. It was all skirted over as ‘kids will be kids’.
Well no actually, cunts will be cunts at any stage of life. The trick is to learn to avoid cunts.

I’m sorry but this just sounds to me like the typical dynamics of a groupie of 5 teenage girls. You seem a bit over invested.
Understandably you feel hurt for dd but honestly it sounds to me that, throughout the year they’ve chopped and changed loyalties throughout.

Crispy
Wednesday: It started with constant phone calls from about 5 girls. Then it went to Snapchat with 4 of the 5 girls and they added one more girl, who doesn’t like dd. Stay away messages, horrible voice messages from Lisa.

Thursday morning: Once the 3 parents were informed (the 3 other parents know nothing). Cue more Snapchats. Then a barrage of individual Snapchats from another girl, who I will call Louise, who did not join in the Snapchats but who did make calls and admitted to starting the whole thing off.

Thursday evening: finding dd on Roblox and Lisa telling her they’re there for “beef”.

Friday: Calls from Lisa, Mary, Bettie and Annie to join the group chat. Dd declined as Lisa was on the call every time.

Saturday: Dd called Mary after she found out about the meet up and she added Lisa.

Idk. Is this ongoing? Are the girls trying to make amends or seeking to bully her more? Idk. If the parents don’t contact me, how am I supposed to know.

I’m figuring I need to be the grown up and contact them then.

I’ve already notified the school but haven’t given any details. I wanted to know the procedure first.

Please give your advice. Because my friend, who is a teacher told me to contact the school. Annie’s dh, who is a teacher told me to contact the school if it continues. I’m going by what I’m being told.

Hello everyone, who have just woken up. And thanks for the overnight responses. Please. Advice. I’m very confused.

So far I’ve been good to contact the school by people irl.

I think you are potentially making it worse for your daughter by contacting the others girls parents for something relatively low level. As others have said tween girls can be nasty and hurtful and friendship dynamics change week on week during high school. You need to be working with your daughter to handle these situations herself, rather than getting involved. As high school friendships develop, you won't always know the parents and be able to sort things out directly.

As for being upset that your friend didn't contact you to give you a heads up that the girls were meeting yesterday without your daughter, why would she?? It's a bit of an awkward conversation to have - the girls are all meeting up but your daughter isn't invited...

Pictish
Sorry to hear this. I’m beginning to realise no one really cares how dd is being treated. I am unable to be like this about other people’s children. This is how she got into the situation with Patricia in the first place... maybe the lesson to take from this is to care more about your own.

Actually you are way too invested in your daughters social life. With all due respect you need to butt out.

As a mum you beed to let her find her own friends and work through school herself.

You need to support her and be there for her but at y7 you shouldn't still need to arrange play dates etc.

I would suggest your over involvement will make things worse.

The best thing you can do is back off. You can invite Mary and her mum over - as Mary's mum is your friend.

Yes if something really bad happens you can tell parents. (E.g. bullying through social media). But you can't control how those parents deal with their child.

As for the Saturday at Starbucks....just let it go.

I am in no way an expert on any of this so I’m not sure I have any particularly great “advice”; I just remember this age very well, all the ups and downs, and thinking how best I would handle this situation. My half sister is a year older and went through similar last year, as did someone I tutored a few years ago. There’s always a Lisa, and sometimes who the Lisa is changes with the wind. As I said - it’s possible that your daughter was the Lisa to the other girls.

On MN it’s very popular to rush in with the school, reporting (can’t believe one poster suggesting logging it with the police), and to condemn the girls involved to being little shits etc. I think far better to leave the school as a last resort/at least slightly further down the line when you have seen that things can’t be resolved/are continuing. 3 days isn’t huge in the scheme of things.

This is one incident, spread over 3 days. It’s not weeks or months of the same. How much have you contacted the parents? I agree with a PP that the default position is likely to be “my child is fine so I am fine”; and you are unlikely to have much engagement. I also don’t think contacting them too much will help your cause - they will become irritated and even less inclined to help.

I think at the moment the situation is very tense and everyone needs to disengage for a bit. Maybe a week. Your daughter needs to not respond to them or on roblox etc etc. You need to not contact the parents. Let things diffuse a little - sounds like it’s been a very emotional few days.

This is where I would spend time explaining to DD about people feeling insecure and hurting others to make themselves feel better/trying to push out other friends so they are included, and how other people cave to peer pressure. Also about how to handle these things - minimal reaction from her will bore them. And if it doesn’t, you have the recourse of going to the school. It’s awful what they said, but they won’t have meant it; some people latch onto anything they think will strike a blow.

I also think going to the school straight away means they are less likely to take you seriously if you really need them.

Actually re-Reading this it sounds like you contacted all the mums to attempt to turn them against Lisa.

I agree that you are too involved in your dad's social life. My dds knew no one at their secondary school . I only got to actually meet their friends ferry gradually. You can however talk to your dd about choosing good friends, not feeling like she has to go along with thinGSM she's unhappy with.
Given that the kids aren't at school I'd block social media and give your dd a bit of down time. Those who want to be her friend will be.