AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

Sorry - I agree with others, you are too involved. Parents tend to take a total back seat once the kids hit secondary school.

MY DDs both went through a re-arrangement of friendships when they went into Y7 - full of tears and heart-wrenching angst.

But this is normal, it is a part of life, it helps them prepare for a world where not everyone wants to be your friend, where you can have "best" friends whose best friend is not you, where people love to be with people you do not even like.

Different groups of people (just wait til boys enter the friendship groups... oh my the angst...) may like other people better - AND THAT IS ALLOWED... they should not be mean to others, but sometimes just someone liking others better feels mean.

She will be building a thicker skin. You need to stand back and let the natural dynamics flow - explain about "life" and acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. Changing friendship groups is acceptable. Being mean about it isn't. Parents trying to alter it also isn't.

I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this.
Your job and main instinct is to protect your daughter from nasty kids.
I cannot believe the majority of people answering your posts saying you're too invested in this or leave them to it etc or it's all about you.
What a load of trolling bullshit!
Please do not give up on your interest in this and your daughters life and let her know you're there for her to confide in what is happening.
You've tried the parent route, it's not been the successful outcome you'd like so definitely next step is the school. Your daughter has to attend for the next 4/5 years and this can't continue.
The school should have a policy and will need to get involved, it doesn't matter it's not taking place on school grounds.
Some of these girls are impressionable and want to be in the "cool gang" therefore are controlled or encouraged to carry out things they don't want to by ringleaders.
Good luck

Actually OP I am disabled. I walk with sticks, have a carer and have had to give up a career I loved because of an illness that will eventually kill me. I also have childhood experience of this because my mother suffered from the same illness. I think you may need some professional help because your replies including the disgusting sex remark are overly invested. I am going to step away from this thread as you don’t seem to be a very nice person.

Teach your daughter that at her age friendships will ebb and flow. If friends are being unkind it’s good to speak up for herself and challenge them but don’t expect them to immediately repent and be her besties again. If someone ditches her for a year she doesn’t have to be grateful if they decide to pay her attention again. If people are very cruel and unkind about her mum ( or any other aspect of her life ), they are not good friends and she should look elsewhere for companionship.

It seems perfectly understandable that she wasn’t invited to a meet up after a falling out that included you involving parents. If nothing else they probably want to rant about how unfair it all is (even if deep down they know they deserved it). You complaining to the parents again will not improve things for anyone.

When I was her age I had some horrendous splits and ‘break ups’ with my team of besties. At the time I thought they were all horrendous bullying bitches but looking back I can see I was not totally without blame. I’m nearly 60 now and two of those ‘bitches’ are still among my closest friends. I might not see them for years on end but as soon as we meet the years fall away and we are 100% comfortable in one another’s company. Part of that closeness is because we have seen the absolute worst of one another in our teens and then grown and matured together.

Be a loving support for your daughter at home. Teach her resilience, Suggest ways to respond, comfort her, make her home her safe place when the world is unkind. Make sure she knows that when friends let her down (and they will) you won’t but don’t let that extend to interfering in her friendships.

And why involve the school? This all happened outside school. Staff have enough to do without trying to police students activity in the home. You’ve let the parents know what happened. Now you have to let them parent their children their own way. Concentrate on building up your own DD.

@alliwantisagoodnightssleep

Actually OP I am disabled. I walk with sticks, have a carer and have had to give up a career I loved because of an illness that will eventually kill me. I also have childhood experience of this because my mother suffered from the same illness. I think you may need some professional help because your replies including the disgusting sex remark are overly invested. I am going to step away from this thread as you don’t seem to be a very nice person.

I couldn't agree more.

Namechange
I meant Starbucks takeaway. Lisa posted a pic on Snapchat with all their names on the cups. Mary confirmed. Yeh you’re right. They’re trying to antagonise and show off - all going very insta iyswim. I think the whole thing kicked off because the kids at Bettie’s house weren’t having much fun and they chatted to dd and Mary, who were at another child’s house and having a whale of a time. Boredom plus jealousy.

I’m also getting conflicting advice on whether or not to contact the mums one more time. I agree they’re not taking it seriously. If I did, it would be along the lines of “Just to let you know, there some more incidents on Thursday. Your girls tried to called dd Friday and yesterday but she ignored them as Lisa is always on the call. I think dd would like to pick up but doesn’t want more of the same .” And see what is said.

Sound ok or crap?

Pictish
You sound very strong.

Eh?

Not the point but what’s with all these meet ups at Houses and Starbucks when we are still supposed to social distance? Does everyone just turn a blind eye to this and let their 11 year olds do what the hell they like?

Very ironic they are saying OP has coronavirus when they are increasing the likelihood of contracting it and I have to say I’m more than a little pissed off reading this when some of us are still making huge personal sacrifices when other people are letting their kids run riot in other people’s homes and Starbucks. Although I don’t think you can sit in in Starbucks anyway. Just because kids only seem mildly affected my Covid it doesn’t mean it won’t have more serious repercussions for other people. Op
included.

I think your anxiety might be a bit displaced!

You’re micromanaging your daughters friendships at an age where she should be learning to cope with this herself.

Leave them be. Don’t fall out with your own friends, because in a week they’ll be firm friends again and you’ll be left feeling awkward.

Also op, being too invested is making your reactions a bit distorted. You’ve blamed two mums for being “weak”.
You’ve called mums trying to “warn them off” Lisa.
You think a good solution is to get all the parents and children together to sort it out (this does not happen in the real world).
You’re very upset that someone else hasn’t filed out what you see as appropriate punishments.

Seriously - step back! If the adults in the situation are catching wind of your thinking they will be telling their children to distance from you as it’s not worth the hassle.

I agree with other posters. They shouldn’t be going round to each other’s houses at the moment should they?!

My DD is two years older, we had a similar thing last year. One girl decided DD was too close with one of the others, and decided to freeze her out completely. Arranging meets ups in town without her, completely ignoring her in school and so in. It was hideous. Hideous.

My advice would be to listen, to support and encourage her other friendships. You are right, this girl will move on and do this to someone else next. Trying to interfere won’t help, getting the other parents involved won’t help. I wouldn’t bother school with it yet. If it continues into next term, it’s worth letting them know, in case once things shift this girl starts accusing your DD of things.

Anyway, my piece of consolation to you is that I work in a girls’ school, and the one thing we see every year, and try to reassure parents when they are concerned about class groups for Year 7, is that the people the girls are friends with at the start of Year 7 won’t be their friends at the end, and in Year 8 it will change again, and probably in Year 9 too. They might have a couple of core besties that stay the same, but the wider group keeps changing, then seems to settle by Year 10.

I dont get this. Are you not on lockdown? How are they all going to each others houses and Starbucks? Starbucks is takeaway only its it?
Plus why involve school surely they havent been there for 3 months?

What do you want to get out of contacting the parents again? Honestly what are you hoping to achieve by it?

I'm really confused as to the whole relationship structure here, but a few thoughts as the parent of a 15yo DD and someone who works at an all girls secondary school.

The cyber bullying, and particularly the nature of it, is awful, and you're absolutely right to get the school involved. Their pastoral team should be dealing with this a robustly as possible.

I have no idea what Roblox is (I guess the current trend a bit like Minecraft was when my DD was that age?). If your DD can communicate with others on it, you need to keep a very close eye on her as it might not just be friends contacting her. If you haven't already do some research into the tech side of it and make sure her privacy setting are as tight as possible.

Snapchat - there are hundreds of other apps for photo filters. This really is one of the worst social media apps a kid could be in. The fact that messages only flash up briefly leaves the system wide open to abuse. At the same time, it only takes a second to take a screenshot so incriminating photos etc can be saved forever and sent on. I won't even go into the fact your DD is only 11.

With regard to the friendships aspect, secondary school is when a lot of parents take a step back and choose to be less involved with their daughter's friendships, certainly in terms of troubleshooting when things go wrong. It's a really hard adjustment to make and I'm not suggesting you take your eye off the ball completely, but you may need to accept that some of your mum friends will take a different approach and rather than flogging a dead horse you just have to make a judgement call as to whether you want to remain friends.

I went through this myself as my DD and her best friend from nursery adapted to life at (different) high schools. I was the laid back back, friends mum (who at that point had been one of my best friends for 8 years) was more keen to try and manage their relationship. We had a tense year or so, but the girls found their level eventually and we're still close friends, so it can just be a period of adjustment.

It's shit at the time, and obviously things are more difficult than usual at the moment. I hope things settle down for you and your DD shortly.

Honesty I wouldn't unless there is one mum you can reliably confide in. If so just say you have advised dd to step away from the chats for now as it has become relentless and tiresome. Do not single out an individual as ringleader, group dynamics change. Most parents will just become defensive of their own which will not help.

You are way too over invested in this, and your last comment was vile.

At eleven friendships are fluid. They come and go, and even if they were friends when they were seven it’s highly unlikely they will still be friends by the time they’re twelve. This is just how it is.

As for you getting involved and speaking to the parents and telling your DD what to write on snapchat, you are probably making things worse for her not better. I would have been mortified if my mum had got involved in my friendships at that age, and in truth you’re setting her up for more bullying (if it actually is bullying, I’m not sure it is) because the other girls will be able to say that “x can’t stand up for herself, she needs mummy to do it for her.”

The one positive about online bullying or even bad feeling is that all social media has a block button. DD doesn’t actually have to see these comments, she can just block them.

But it seems that you are desperate to control her and her friendships to such a degree that you’re even telling her what to write.

And your DD needs to grow a thicker skin. yes, kids can be cruel. I have no idea what they’ve said about your disability but this is also one DD is going to have to learn to ignore. Most of these kinds of comments are made out of ignorance, and most kids don’t even know what it is they’re saying.

Clearly your DD does want to be friends with these girls, so you’re just going to have to leave them through it. There will be angst, there will be hurt feelings, friendships will be won and lost. This is life.

Oh and, I do have disabilities, before I’m accused of not so not knowing what I’m talking about.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Namechange I meant Starbucks takeaway. Lisa posted a pic on Snapchat with all their names on the cups. Mary confirmed. Yeh you’re right. They’re trying to antagonise and show off - all going very insta iyswim. I think the whole thing kicked off because the kids at Bettie’s house weren’t having much fun and they chatted to dd and Mary, who were at another child’s house and having a whale of a time. Boredom plus jealousy.

I’m also getting conflicting advice on whether or not to contact the mums one more time. I agree they’re not taking it seriously. If I did, it would be along the lines of “Just to let you know, there some more incidents on Thursday. Your girls tried to called dd Friday and yesterday but she ignored them as Lisa is always on the call. I think dd would like to pick up but doesn’t want more of the same .” And see what is said.

Sound ok or crap?

Pictish
You sound very strong.

No, you need to stop contacting the other moms to force play dates for your DD. Plus you’re acting like a mean girl about Lisa wanting to organize other adults to exclude a child!

You help your DD by helping her deal with her feeling and ideas how to navigate the situation.

Your previous post about how she tried setting something up to hang out with these girls and they wouldn’t commit explains everything. They didn’t want to hang out with DD. Instead of helping her deal with her feelings and explaining that you can’t put people aside for a year and expect them to come running when you want to pick them up, you called their moms. You and the moms made the play date happen, not the girls who are old enough to organize getting together if they’re interested. Even if they had a good time while at your house, they’re probably mad at DD for making them come by using moms. It’s not an excuse for them to bully her, but it makes sense that they lashed out. Hopefully their parents will explain that to them, but using their moms to force them to play with your DD is going to make things worse for her.

Girls are awful. Way worse than boys. Why would you want your daughter to hang around with bullies. She’s better off giving them all a wide berth surely.

Girls are awful. Way worse than boys.

Well that’s a lovely sweeping statement on a parenting websites now isn’t it?

The boys in my village set another boy on fire growing up. I was sexually assaulted at school by a gang of 5 lads double my size. I got a bit of cattiness from some girls AND some boys. Didn’t get invited to the odd party etc.

But yeah...Girls are awful, way worse than boys.

If another mum, even a friend of mine, wanted to talk to me about how she thought my parenting wasn't up to scratch I wouldn't give a shit.
I have a DD11 and if there was evidence of her bullying then yes, I'd step in.
Friendship groups falling out & being mean?
It's for my DD to deal with. I would advise her & support her but not get involved to manipulate things directly. That would be hellish IMO.

Allosaurus
I see what you’re saying. Lisa, who organises everything and tells the girls what to do and where to go was pestering to come over. The others were ok to go. Bettie was very chatty. Annie wasn’t and didn’t respond. But that’s Annie - she’s very quiet. I was very straight with Annie’s mum dd and said we would be fine with a no. It was an emphatic yes.

I really think it’s jealousy from Lisa, Louise and egging on. Dd has not shown absolute adulation, I wasn’t enough of a pushover.

For all the people posting about lockdown rules. Again. It is summer. They were outside. I have a big garden and enough space to eat and distance.

Perhaps your daughter will be less easy to control after this...after all, her acquiescence hasn’t won her any loyalty here has it? Often the pay-off for being made a mug of is a thicker skin and more discerning taste. It’s just shit while it’s happening.

^^ I agree with the above. I am confused with all names assigned to each girl etc but I get that DD focused her friendship attention elsewhere for almost a year, being controlled by a new friend. It is very possible that the older primary school pals were hurt by DD this past year. 11 yr olds are not going to examine the psychology of relationships & understand all the 'controlling' that goes on. Explaining what they might see as 'mean' for the past year as 'being controlled' doesn't necessarily magic it away & other girls just have to suck it up & return to the fold because now DD wants that. And I expect DD knows very well how upset you are, if it isn't apparent at home she is probably aware from the txting 'friends' whose own mothers will likely have said 'DD's Mother ph'd, she is very cross/angry/upset...etc'.

We all have different groups of friends, some are closer than others, some get some things better than others, some we confide it about some things, some who are great fun & would do anything for you but can't keep a confidence so gets told no secrets & so on...

Your DD is learning all of this, the hierarchy phase is important as it teaches alot. Bullying is never ok & you should be vigilant & let parents know..but you can't force friendships for DD or fix every little thing. If some of the girls don't like each other then so be it...they see each other separately. She doesn't need to keep up this juggling act...if they are jealous & don't like it then so be it..You can discourage friendships you think are not appropriate (diff values/ troublemaker etc) & guide her on the right path but you can't handpick DD's friends for her & decide your DD's own poor judgment away so simply as being controlled. Teach her not to care so much, boost her self worth, self value, let her choose her own friends, learn loyalty & stop being controlled & trying to keep 'in' with them all. The same goes for 'Lisa' ... it sounds like she was trying to be a peacemaker getting another girl on the call, your DD hung up. Lisa's feelings count too...she doesn't have to cut everyone to support DD at 11 yrs old & shouldn't be made feel that she must. She can have separate friendship groups too. Stop the SM for now, tell the parents the bullying is continuing. Teach DD that she dies not & should not be friends with bullies, that she shoukd not lead or follow bullies, that she finds her own way & her own friendships & that good ones, when found, should be nurtured. I'm guessing she has learned a bit this week about friendship & loyalty. it is hard. The SM is a curse thoigh in this situation. Only involve school if it persists... this is a parents issue really & occuring outside of school. And the police idea from another poster....do not do that. And OP, these kids are only 11 yrs old, all of them including your DD are learning & hurts happen, don't fan the flames to the point of no return...it could be blown over again by tomorrow.

I think I got Lisa mixed up with Mary above...

What’s happening to your daughter happened to me when I was in yr7 and my mum was too invested as well.

Take a step back from it and just be there if your daughter wants to talk to you. Allow her to build her own conflict resolution skills and move away from these others if that’s what’s needed. Friendships come and go, it’s nice if we keep our friends from primary but it’s quite rare for many. I get that you want to fix it for her it you can’t. You’ll also make her look like a baby by ringing their parents all the time, it won’t help her situation. The other girls are developing independence, allow your child to do the same.

I worked in a school for many years and friendship issues were often the hardest to solve. We could deal with bullying (to some extent), but we couldn't force friendships. The most successful thing we could do for the child who felt unfriended was to take the focus off the sole issue of friendships and encourage them to pursue interests/hobbies that they liked. They were more likely to make an organic lasting friendships through a shared interest in art, sports, drama, crafts, volunteering, etc. than through trying to stay in with the in crowd.

I'm not saying it isn't terribly hurtful, but I'm not sure contacting other parents beyond what you have done will help - it can often make people more entrenched in their positions. It sounds like the girls have quite a volatile friendship group and they will probably all fall out with each other soon enough and it will be someone else's turn to feel like they are odd person out.