AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

Carol
I said in my post at 9.58. All I want the mums to do is read my message and say -yeh all good they want to be friends or no, sorry. I’m fine with either.

Quartz
I take what you said on board. Mary’s mum has told me what Lisa is like the not saying no comes from her. She wants her dd away from Lisa. She warned me and warned me to be careful. But it was what dd wanted. Youre right. Lisa isn’t my favourite person right now. It will pass, I am sure. She’s 12.

I will have to look up the rules. Maybe I got it wrong? I thought it was 6 people total.

They are bloody 11... all of these descriptions of sticking together through thick and thin etc are so over the top - which is showing that you’re not being rational.
It does sound like you are finding it hard to distantly your own experience of life with dd’s and perhaps subconsciously putting personalities of people you have encountered onto these children.

@Mummyoflittledragon but how will the mums know if they want to be friends or not?

"I have tried very hard to hide my disability because it’s mine to do that and private. Perhaps you like anal sex. I’m sure you don’t go broadcasting"

I'm not surprised by much but I'm actually surprised someone would make such a vile, and fucking stupid comment. If this is how you communicate (and no doubt you'll blame your wording as you're upset - that is way beyond anything "excusable") you really need to have a look at yourself, not the children.

That aside, you are not helping your DC but trying to micromanage and control her friendships - at her age you need to be giving her the skills to navigate this herself. At what age would you stop contacting other parents? You just can't keep doing this at secondary school, your DD has to learn to deal with friendships - and disagreements and the usual growing up, growing away from some friends and them becoming different people with different interests.

This is not prolonged bullying where it would be appropriate to contact the school - this is an extremely detailed account of a very small time period (literally of each conversation and interaction) which you simply cannot keep doing - and trying to control - as they grow older.

The irony is that the other girls are correct that your DD shouldn't be visiting their houses (although you changed that to gardens later on)

"Maybe the lesson to take from this is to care more about your own." Also a horribly mean and judgemental comment. My DC are older and have all been through this period of adjustment (heightened at the moment) and I certainly care about my DC! Which is why I tried to teach them how to navigate situations instead of trying to deal with it for them

Seriously you need to take on board the comments here (and stop with the offensive posts) as you aren't going to help equip your DD with skills for adulthood with this level of over investment.

PS I am also disabled so have experience of this. I don't go around telling people sharing information about my disability is like sharing a love of anal sex as that would show I actually had a serious problem myself I needed to deal with before trying to sort out 11 year old girls whilst having attitudes like that myself.

Also your title "to be incredibly hurt for DD AND ME?"

Do you honestly not see this is a ridiculous and potentially very harmful attitude?

Does DD have another involved parent (apologies if not) as their attitude to this would be interesting to see whether they agree with your actions?

The descriptions of each girl’s character and analysis of their behaviour is way, way too much

I'm thinking you're giving it too much head space.

Perhaps trying to focus on local activities that, may be around next year, that your DD might lilke to help DD expand her social group might be more productive area to expend your energy.

@Mummyoflittledragon You've mentioned DH - what is his view on all this? How does he support your DD, particularly when you're ill and out of action so to speak?

I'm sorry your dd is being bullied. It's really horrible for her. The first two years of secondary school is a classic time for this to happen while everyone sorts out their friendship groups.

You need to build up your dd's confidence and support her but don't get involved with the minutiae, but if you decide you do need to step in, do it once only and make sure it is effective. Don't keep trying to control everything from afar because it is impossible to do and makes the situation worse.

My dd's friendship group started making on-line nasty comments at the same age which got out of hand on one occasion and just as we were about to post a message, one of the other mother's stepped in with a timely message on WhatsApp to say that "all of us parents are checking in on this, so please be kind to each other, nasty comments are not acceptable" which seemed to do the trick.

I called the other mother to thank her and we agreed to mention the bullying and ill-feeling to the school together the next day. The girls' teacher then set aside an hour one afternoon to focus on kindness and bullying and gave a very effective talk about being kind to one anorher, how horrible it is for lots of DC to hang up on one DC etc etc, they all apologised, and the problem was eradicated.

The point is that my daughter was the subject of some (not all) of the nasty comments and the daughter of the other mother who stepped in had made some (not all) nasty comments to my DD to which my DD had retaliated in kind. And pretty much all of the DC had made nasty comments to one another at some pount. However, me and the other mother didn't take sides exclusively defending our own children, we recognised this was all the children having a go at each other, and it was up to us as parents to set them straight all together by putting on a united front to set a good example. If we had taken sides, it would have exacerbated the problem.

Obviously it's very different if all the DC ostracize and continue to bully one child and it's hard to tell from your description what is going on with your dd and her friends precisely, but it could be that this is a group of eleven year olds being eleven year olds who need to be set straight by all the parents together, and their teacher.

Oh dear god. You aren’t doing your dd any favours by trying to micro manage her social life. Take a step back! Stop contacting the other mums!

Yeah really this is not that serious / you are massively blowing it out of proportion! The girls do sound like little brats - but it will blow over / your daughter will go to secondary school and make new friends and those girls will be long gone in a few months! I don’t see the point to keep calling the other parents over and over or get the school involved - you are just giving them a reaction/more attention!

I’m sorry you and your daughter are feeling upset - but you need to just stop dwelling on it! Turn the phones / computers off for a few days and do something nice together.

Yes agree with PP, it's always dangerous to assume our DC are 100% in the right and their behaviour is completely correct all the time - especially in situations like this.

I know we all do like to think this, and it's natural to think this way but as they grow up they do make mistakes and don't always get it right. Accepting this and helping them understand how to get it right if they fuck up, is a really important part of parenting IMO.

I learnt this the hard way - don't be like me

But surely if you're disabled and (assuming) shielding then your DD wouldn't be able to meet with them anyway. I'm not sure why she'd wanna meet with girls that have been bullying her tho anyway

I wonder if your dd was drawn to ‘controlling’ Lisa as she’s used to being dominated at home by you.

It’s completely normal for children to move away from their primary school (and dance school friends whose mothers are friends) when they go to secondary school.

Looney
I’m pretty sure I’ve had it. I have booked an antibodies test as my friend is positive and I am 99% sure I got whatever I had off her - I don’t get close enough to people often but went to see her for a cuppa a few days before she showed symptoms. I think the test will be useful to know for surgery as I’m seeing someone privately soon. I did not go out or see anyone for a very long time. Not shielding thought. Disability doesn’t equal shielding.

When I was 5 my best friend was Caroline, then I moved and my best friend was Teresa (who I’d known from birth as our mums grew up together) then we went to middle school and my best friend was Michelle, and into secondary was Susan, Hannah and Melanie. We were a group of 4. We argued, bickered, bitched, and sniped. Then 2 days later the dynamics would change and we’d be allied with another in the group.

I’m still good friends with 2 of the entire list, despite barely speaking through secondary school due to different tutor groups and friendship groups. Some I have no idea where they are now.

But friendship groups are fluid through school. You have to ride that wave, not try to flatten it for your DD. The bullying needs watching, but as yet it’s a one off incident. It’s not an ongoing campaign. In fact I wouldn’t even go as far as to call it ‘bullying’ yet. If it becomes an ongoing thing then yes it’s bullying, at the moment it’s a tween row.

The problem is by micromanaging you are almost setting your DD to be a target. She’ll be excluded for fear of her mother being over involved. It’s not right but they’re 11 and still learning that shit.

@Mummyoflittledragon

I keep on telling her to call people, not necessarily these girls and she won’t. She’s never been able to do something without someone else doing it with her.

This really stood out - she needs to handle this herself. I suspect the other parents are very much now allowing their daughters to navigate this themselves with support not taking over and doing it for them.

She needs to learn how to do this herself otherwise this isnt going to go away. It sounds like her inability to deal with some of it has escalated it to this point anyway.

Also to be honest the mums seem a little bitchy themselves - Lisa seems to be gossiped and talked about in unpleasant terms by ADULTS. If this is the example you as parents are showing its no wonder this has happened

I do get it, OP, as I certainly keep my MH issues private, as it's no one's business but my own. But there's a difference between privacy and shame. The MH issues are nothing to be ashamed of, especially as I know now that they're because of other people's crimes.

My DD1 (11) needs to wear hearing aids and glasses and has other SEN as a result of adoption related attachment issues. I know that it's important not to let her think that she's of less worth than her younger sister, who is NT and finds it much easier to make friends.

DD1 went on her year 6 residential and other kids made jokes about her name because is sounds vaguely similar to corona so they teased her with (first name) virus. I was proud of her because she spoke to her class teacher about it and he handled it very well. (The school has a strong anti bullying policy.)

I am worried about her starting high school, that she'll be bullied for her disability, as she isn't able to make close friends at all. Your DD is able to make friends, so she'll be fine, and she really needs to learn to fight her own battles, especially as she's in high school now.

And also, you could damage your own friendship by becoming overly invested, as she will of course take her own DD's side.

In fairness @Mittens030869 liking anal sex isn’t anything to be ashamed of either.

No it isn't obviously, but what I mean is that I'm picking up from the OP's intense reaction that she does appear to be ashamed of her disability because of the way her brother treated her in the past. I wasn't thinking about the 'anal sex' quote, it was inappropriate but I have no particular opinion on that at all. (Although admittedly sexual acts can be very triggering due to the childhood SA I went through.)

Inappropriate was rather an understatement but enough people have taken issue with that without me wading in as well.

I think people are saying the right things but I wonder how many of them have had similar issues. Ds8 came out of school once saying 2 of his friends had been mean and excluded him. I was so mad and upset for him. It did sort itself out the next day but I would have got involved if it had happened for a second day. These parents are my friends and I'd expect them to come to me in the same situation.

Eight year olds friendships are different from secondary school friendships though.

I know these girls are only three to four years older than your eight year old but a lot changes in those years. As indeed it does in the three to four years before a child is eight. When they are four and five year olds their friendships are very much in the hands of their parents who can arrange and manage play dates etc.

8 years old = primary. 11 = secondary/almost secondary. How parents should behave aren’t the same between these two school environments.

I’m not a parent but I was once the child in this position so I have been there and interference from adults didn’t help. There comes a time when parents, as hard as they may find it, have to mind their own business and be an ear for their child, not an obsessed micromanager.

It is hard but agree with the prevailing sentiment of the thread. The blatant cyber unkindness possibly merits parental involvement but the friendship dynamics you are way over involved. This is a notoriously difficult stage and they have to stuff resolve themselves.

You escalating it and contacting parents Is not a good strategy. Your own child won’t be whiter than white and may get some uncomfortable home truths if you push it. How would the parents of the girls your own dd has moved on from describe the situation?

Parents aren’t really interested in your kid and won’t step in to save someone else’s child’s feelings. They just won’t. Learnt that the hard way!

Dd has a friend who felt left out and reported this to the school. The whole group got into trouble with teacher involvement etc. The group were genuinely baffled as they felt they hadn’t done anything wrong. The accuser later said she overreacted. They all still friends but are now very wary of this girl and they not as close as before. You can do real damage to relationships at this age if you wade in like a bull in a china shop.