AIBU to be incredibly hurt for dd and me

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dd (11j has been cyber bullied this week. Dd did nothing wrong. The girls spun me being disabled and chronically ill into me having coronavirus. I contacted the parents I knew and they supposedly dealt with it.

One girl, who was with dd while the other girls made a series of calls then messages to dd stuck up for her (dd wasn’t home unfortunately when this started so I didn’t know about it). They were all due to go to a girl’s house but the mother cancelled as her daughter was distressed. This particular child was mostly sitting back although she did say some things too against dd. My dd was distressed. My dd was the injured party. Not her.

Dd found out last night the girls invited bar her. Including the one, who stuck up for dd met up at Starbucks yesterday.

I am so disappointed and upset for dd and me. I’ve known 3 of the mothers for years. I considered two of them my friends.

You really need to step away from this.
I understand it’s difficult to see your dd upset. But it sounds to me that you dd was exploring friendships at some point and the others are doing the same. You need to leave them to this otherwise you are going to further damage the relationship.
No one will want to be friendship with your dd if her mum comes in to bag for her and starts ringing their mums, particularly if they don’t feel they have don’t anything wrong.
What they did wasn’t very nice, but you are making this way bigger than it needs to be. But I get the feeling you want you dd and the others to exclude Lisa.

Just to let you know, there some more incidents on Thursday. Your girls tried to called dd Friday and yesterday but she ignored them as Lisa is always on the call. I think dd would like to pick up but doesn’t want more of the same .” And see what is said.

What do you want the other mums to do? Really have a think about that.

I think you need to step back & let them sort it out.
The comment about coronavirus is just silly. Don't even bother to get worked up about it. Kids say stupid stuff.
I don't know why you contacted school as it's going on outside of school.
I think it's best she didn't go to Starbucks anyway if they're being mean?
Just try to encourage her to move on & find a different interest & hopefully some friendships will build from that.

Oh op
Girls can be cruel
But you are fueling the fire
Let it die down ,the more you contact the mums the more the girls band together with more to discuss about yr dd.
This is all normal ,it blows over if you leave well alone
You are making things worse
Going to Starbucks
It’s like birthday parties you can’t control who they invite or who they don’t.

In normal times I'd have just contacted the school with all the information ie here screen shots rather than approach the parents directly.

Parents will tend to side with their own offspring and it gives the chidlren there chance to spin it so they don't look so bad.

You stop the bullying but leave the friendship making to the child - and they will IME be moving away from primary school friends - even ones they've know since nursury.

If she is having trouble in school try and find an outside activity - so all the socializing isn't happening just in the school - best thing we did for DD1 after some Y7 cyber bullying and some friendship falling out. Seemed to help DS as well when he hit few issues again with pupils from his ex primary school.

I wouldn't keep contacting the other parents - they haven't acted as you wanted so doubt thty will in future and I agree it does sond like you need to take a step back be supportive but less involved.

Another one who thinks you are in too deep. Your energies are better spent supporting your DD in learning to assert herself and the importance of boundaries.

Firstly, there is a distinct lack of a teaching element to your handling of the situation. Your DD was bullied and the behaviour of these girls was very poor. However, you appear to have dismissed your DD’s exclusionary efforts earlier on, by saying she was manipulated into behaving that way, Which might have been been a contributing factor but it still was a choice and she needs to own that choice, if she’s going to learn from it.

Secondly, you don’t have to shout your disability from the roof tops but your sensitivity to It could be hampering your ability to support your daughter effectively. How open are you with your DD about your disability, you don’t have to bare your soul but is she in possession of the basic facts?

It appears you got suckered into letting your DD have Snapchat and or thought you had more control over its influence than you did. Control and your lack thereof appears to be the common denominator in this situation.

Your DD is 11 not 7 and your role needs to less involved and more advisory. Of course you were right to step in when she’s was being bullied and in being disappointment at how ineffective the adults were. Let your hurt be the catalyst for something positive by educating your DD about where her strength lies and that isn’t in the hands of others but in her choices.

For gods sake ,don’t contact the school
Let it blow over ,
The more trouble the girls get in to over your dd the more they will dislike her
Give it a couple of weeks to see if it dies down ,if after then it hasn’t And it’s spread to bullying in school ,that’s the time to contact the school ,

We found the school really good on cyber bullying - I came home to DD1 in tears contatced school that night and they were all over it - saw all involved and it just stopped.

They said they preferred to dela with it swiftly to stop it in it's tracks especially in y7.

Freindship took longer - she now has nothing to do with any one them and has her own supportive friendship groups.

It's good that your daughter has spoken to you about it. At that age I was being bullied and kept it all to myself. She has shared this with you and you are going about it the right way. I'm sure there will be lots more cyberbullying going on right now due to the situation. It's an awful additional vehicle for bullying and your daughter and you have my sympathy. She will have some lovely friends soon when this stage passes. Good luck with it all

Good posts above.

What do you want the other mums to do? Really have a think about that.

This.

OP I really feel for you and your daughter. It can be so hard for a parent to stay uninvolved when their child is being hurt. Your situation with being disabled also is so tough and as a disabled person myself I feel for you deeply.

I went through hell at school. I had to decide enough was enough and be a loner. It meant having no friends during school, but maintaining my sanity. I spent my time studying and observing people and that helped a lot.

It is so nice to have friends, but if they are not acting like friends, please remind your daughter that she can choose to value and respect herself and learn to enjoy her company. It's not easy but it is an option. Teach her to have boundaries and self respect, so that she can attract people that will appreciate her.

And all the best to you both.

Yes I think the more you do here the worst it gets for your DD

I noticed earlier with allin she made a comment about your handling being immature and your response was that she clearly didnt understand as wasnt disabled and a completely inappropriate sex comment. I think you maybe in danger of overreacting and overblowing this to a point where it impacts badly on your daughter.

You need to be less reactive and more proactive - giving your daughter the tools to navigate this herself

I know this is not just about cyber bullying, but they cant bully her in this way if she turns the devices off. I think year 7 is the year for this sort of thing and to be honest you have to let them learn for themselves who is worth being friends with and who is not. When you intervene you subvert this part of the learning process. However, it is obviously heartbreaking for you, especially when they are using your illness as a way to hurt your daughter.

I actually don't think it is a good idea to allow kids of 11 to go to places like Starbucks in big groups at the moment, obviously for social distancing but also there is a bit of erratic behaviour going on out there and I would focus on getting your daughter to meet up with individual friends in a safe way for now.

I agree I’m too invested.

Iminthewrong Good point, get dd busy. I did it when there was an incident when dd was in yr1.

Freddie
That message I wrote is rubbish. It’s difficult on 2 hours sleep. All I am meaning is and this is only to the mums of 2 primary friends : Because of something else, which happened on Thursday evening involving the girls, they’ve been calling dd and she’s been apprehensive to pick up. I think everything got a bit out of hand. But if they just want to chat, dd is up for that.

This way, they’re alerted that things are either still going on or the girls are trying to fix it. Annie’s mum was clear she wanted to hear if anything else happened. Is that still over invested?

Ok looking at it from their POV they got swept along, caught out, told off (or at least Annie did) and they’re working out how they feel about that. And about where dd fits in. If at all.

In my experience children seem to have disputes, fall out, take sides then everything changes and suddenly they are friends again and everything is forgotten.
I suspect you are making matters worse for your daughter. You can’t make a group of girls want to invite her out or include her in trips.

You keep saying you want to text the other mums - but it appears that it’s not actually the mums of the girls you think are the issue. It’s not “Lisa and Louise” mums - it’s the others. Why is this?

Having being in your situation I think you are getting too involved
You were absolutely right to tackle the bullying but whoever meets with whoever and what gets cancelled is nothing to do with you. I get why you are upset and want to help your DD but sadly you can’t manage her friendships. Excluding someone is an awful part of bullying but one that’s very hard to tackle

OP,

If your DD wants to chat with one of the girls, why can't she be the one to make a call instead of being the one ignoring calls or hanging up??

Also, your sex comment to another poster was totally inappropriate & just rude. I get it if you were hurt & lashed out in that post but you need to stop reacting so strongly.

Your DD wants to be friends with these girls, let her get on with it. Be a strong presence & support in the background. But give your DD the confidence to choose her own friends. You need to step back OP. And tell her to take a break from SM, have you done anything about that OP...she can tell her 'friends' in advance that she is taking a break from the posts etc & just do one on ones for now if that's what she wants. Also...the little friends who are minding her this week (that go to a different school), I hope they are not in line to be ditched when the other mean girl besties are back?? Maybe have a talk around all of that....

Either consciously or unconsciously, I think you're feeling guilty that your DD is suffering because of your disability, and your guilt is clouding your judgement and making you want to 'fix' this. You say Lisa and Patricia are controlling, but you're also being very controlling in this picture, right down to telling your DD what to write in snapchat conversations. I think you need to back off and let your daughter negotiate this more autonomously. Your disability is a total red herring imo.

I actually think the main problem is a tension between how your DD wants to negotiate her friendships and the way you view her friends. You like her old friends from primary and their mums are your friends, but it sounds like she prefers Lisa and Patricia. Are they really controlling or is it that her friendships with them are less amenable to control by you (via their mums)? Be honest with yourself. You don't have to like her friends to support her in choosing them. All friendships have power dynamics, even the ones with kids you've known since infancy, and the dynamics often shift. You can't legislate for all of that, it just needs to be allowed to unfold, however hard it sometimes is for parents to watch.

As for your friendship with Mary's mum, do you think it's possible she didn't say anything because she assumed your DD was invited too? Give her the benefit of the doubt. Don't let your haste to micromanage your DD's friendships end up ruining yours too.

Carol
I have never met Louise or her mum. I have met Lisa’s mum once last weekend. Lisa’s mum will do exactly what her dd wants. The girl doesn’t know the word no. She wanted to go upstairs as they’d been playing with the hose pipe, have a shower, stay for a sleepover etc. Dh had to say no to shut her up. So talking to her mum is a no go really. I have know these other women for years.

Immigrant
I’m sorry you went through hell. I was lucky enough to be able bodied and children can be so cruel. I was also a loner for similar reasons.

Quartz
I take on board what you’re saying about my comment. I was trying to explain how important it is to me that my business is my own. I’ve had to go nc with my brother, who is a physical danger to me. He has always bullied me but it got worse since I became ill. He has been violent and specifically putting me at risk, including an incident with his car because he doesn’t believe I’m disabled. There were a lot of messages to et through and I though allin was telling me I’m immature for hiding my disability. I then used the sort of language my Neanderthal brother could understand to explain.

Because of my experiences, I do feel as though my life depends on me being seen as normal. So yes, my disability is a real trigger for me. I hadn’t really thought how much it is affecting dd to be acting like this.

Look the issue here is that you don’t like Lisa. How you know how her mum parents her when you’ve only met her once is beyond me.

Also i cannot see why you want to keep messaging the other mums if they’re children aren’t the ones sending nasty messages etc. The only reason I can see for you doing this is to try to turn them against Lisa.

You’ve not answered several posters who’ve asked what it is you are looking to achieve out of messaging them. The nastiness seems to have stopped (e.g the messaging - though even that’s a bit unclear). So what is it that you want?

Aww I'm with you. They sound horrible and the parents are doing them no favours either.

We can't get everything right as parents but we can try to raise humans who are kind and think of others. And their actions suggest they aren't that bothered about doing that.

@Mummyoflittledragon oh OP I think this has clearly triggered as you say quite a lot of feelings for you which has caused your reaction but you do need to I think look at it because its pertinent because actually what she said wasnt that bad at all.

Stop trying so hard as well - you dont need to constantly have them in your garden (and I have to say Im not sure you can have multiple households in your garden yet either just outside)

Stop messaging the Mums and start letting your daughter handle it and enable her to have tools to do so - she is the one who needs them

And you are I think doing with Lisa what you hate people to do yourself - you are extrapoliating massively into her mum never says no - you dont know this at all

OP,

Things are a little clearer now that you've given some of your own background & childhood experiences. I am sorry that you suffered cruelty from your own family. I understand better that you are on high alert to watch for bullying...but this tweenie mean girl thing sounds kind of normal & DD needs to learn how to cope on her own two feet. Keep an eye on it all but stay back from it.

And OP, in relation to your disability, ignore 11yr olds...explain it to your daughter so she understands & can either educate those who do not or ignore misinformation & not worry unnecessarily if on the receiving end of it from 11yr olds who know no better. If she sees you as capable & confident, she will learn from it.

There will be lots of Patricias, Lisas & Marys as she goes thro life...she doesn't havd to please them all.

Sionnah
I agree. I keep on telling her to call people, not necessarily these girls and she won’t. She’s never been able to do something without someone else doing it with her. I’m trying. And no, these friends, who’ve been supporting her are very much part of her life. She stuck through thick and thin with them, had ups and downs and stood up to Patricia, who tried to get dd to ditch them. Been friends since yR. As for the other girls, who she’s been friends with for years, I suppose they were always more friends with one another than with dd and I think that why dd went another way. And by the time she realised what she’d done by dropping those friends, she didn’t know how to get out of it.

The other reason I feel bad is because they stopped seeing eachother as much after school when I had my second major surgery during yr6. I asked women other than these women to ferry dd to and from school. One had done so much and I felt she needed a break and the other was incredibly busy. Then because I couldn’t drive further than in the village for months, she stopped seeing them completely. One goes away all summer. The other was on holiday whenever dd wasn’t Etc. Dd saw her once. She did then have her over after Secondary. But by then, I suppose, the situation had been established and dd had seen a lot of Patricia and other friends in the village.

OP

Please read through your own comments. You are wildly over invested! The descriptions of each girl’s character and analysis of their behaviour is way, way too much! If you text the mothers to update the situation they will just roll their eyes. They don’t need an update. You and DD need to leave it a week and re engage then with a clear head when the friends get in touch. DD can set up some boundaries with her actual friends when they message her.