Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

I'm old, not in the UK, but comments such as "You look beautiful today." were common when I was young. I just said thank you, smiled, and remained professional. Nothing went further than the comments. I worked in a multinational, and men at my level commented on my work hours (in those days, very long, longer than anyone else), my hair highlights, my perceived lack of a social life, you name it.

I think, OP, if you make a stink about this, you will eventually be let go, because the CEO will view you as an "embarrassment"/reminder of inappropriate behaviour, etc. So, if you want to risk being terminated in this economic climate, go ahead and report him.

Life isn't fair, he's the CEO, you're not, and he, therefore, is more important to the company than are you. HR is not your advocate.
HR exists to protect the company, not its workers. If the CEO were at an equal position to you, I would consider reporting him, though I always viewed inappropriate comments just as banter, and they never hindered my career. In your shoes, I would not report him, or say anything that can put him on the defensive, although I admit, that's unfair. If it remains uncomfortable for you, see if you can switch to a different division, or find another job.

@BlueJava

In these tricky times of redundancies, a rocky economy and layoffs I wouldn't be complaining and I wouldn't be saying anything about it. Yes, it would be nice to see him hauled over the coals by HR, of course he shouldn't get away with it. But real life - at least from what I have seen in 35 years of working - doesn't work like this.

I'd give a professional reply about the work, say of course I'd love to give my input on X policy, or write it etc I wouldn't mention the pigtails or say anything about "please don't refer to my appearance". I'd keep my mouth shut, use the opportunity and move on when I felt like it having maximised the opportunity.

Let a man get away with inapproprate behaviour because someone is worried about their job? Really? The 1980's called and want their viewpoint back

Let a man get away with inapproprate behaviour because someone is worried about their job?

First, I would not be offended by such comments. I recognize, I am only reading OP's words, and don't know how they were presented. If the words made her uncomfortable, there is a reason for that. But he will get away with it. He may be reprimanded and told to watch his words, but in the end, OP will bear the negative brunt of any report she makes.

Horrible! Imagine how his wife would feel. To be honest I think he went too far before, constantly commenting on your hair and saying you're pretty when you worked together. This isn't banter, it's totally inappropriate. I'm a PA who's worked for lots of men and they have never once commented on my appearance. If one even said something quite harmless like "You look nice today" it would make me feel uncomfortable. He's a real sleaze. Can you report him or tell him he's making you very uncomfortable?

Look we can all be angry feminists together (and certainly I am both), but we are heading into a recession and the OP needs realistic advice.

If she goes in all guns blazing to HR, he won’t be sacked over this. It’s inappropriate but not sackable.

Somewhere down the line the company will make cuts and oh look what a coincidence the OP will lose her job because the ceo won’t want her around.

Best to head him off without making a huge fuss if possible.

I'd just reply on Monday morning, work-related only, and ignore the sexist comments completely.

If you don't reply by text at all, it will dawn on him that his testing the waters with you has failed. He's the CEO and should be bright enough to work out that his come-on has fallen on stony ground.

I don't think I encouraged it.
I undertook professional tasks at his request. Because a) they would help my career to morph into the PA of a national CEO.
B) my direct line manager was ok with it. If she hadn't been then I would have had to say no.

I also think there's a big difference between flirty banter in the office and seeking out someone's personal phone number no?

my office is casual, I've gone in jeans and a hoody before today because it's not customer facing, so no one cares how we dress as long as we do the job.

I agree with the idea of a work-related reply on Monday by email. Ignore the flirtation and for goodness sake get rid of the pigtails. A pony tail or a bun would be more professional.

Just till you decide don’t delete the text off him
“Creep”

To all the people saying "you can't report the CEO to HR..." - afraid you can. I found myself in a similar situation late last year. However, when it became clear that I would no longer tolerate the abuse, let's just say that I was effectively 'demoted' and made to feel isolated in the hope that I'd leave. The final straw came when the CEO pulled me into a meeting room to tell me there had been complaints about my conduct (there hadn't) and that as a result, he would be issuing me with a written warning. *He didn't tell me who had complained, and didn't follow any kind of disciplinary process - just pulled me into an unannounced meeting and issued a warning.

Our company (30 people) which was only 2 years old did not have an established HR dept. You could effectively say that I fulfilled this role, since I wore several different hats.

Anyway, once the warning was issued, I responded to say that I wished to raise a grievance against him for sexual harassment, and that I was considering taking the firm to a tribunal for constructive dismissal.They had no choice (since I was effectively HR) but to follow the advice of the company lawyers who suggested there be an external HR consultant hired to investigate my complaint (they knew that a tribunal would be very embarrassing for them indeed).

Let's just say that he investigation uncovered some incriminatory text messages and emails. The chairman (close friend of the CEO) tried for several weeks to try to buy my silence in the hope that I would simply walk away. I refused. My grievance was upheld and was then moved to disciplinary stage for the CEO, presided over by the chairman, who simply gave the CEO a formal warning. They also claimed that there was no evidence of bullying towards me.

The business founder then got wind of what was going on and reached out to me in secret to establish the details, knowing full well that I was now considering legal options. He was appalled, and told me to leave it with him. The CEO was then told to either walk away or be fired for gross misconduct. He resigned a week later. The Chairman quickly followed suit.

*I want to point out that I was only the third female in this company. The senior management team was effectively an old man's club. They believed they were untouchable.

In response to OP, the text messages he has sent you evidence sexual harassment quite clearly, even if he denies ever making comments to you verbally. Don't be afraid to call it out. I was advised by several colleagues to walk away because I was 'fighting a losing battle'. I'm pleased that I ignored them.

Reply with: "unsubscribe"

Name change fail? If you report your post to mumsnet they’ll update the name for you.

*Also, sorry if this has already been mentioned, but it's time to start keeping a log. Simply note down dates and times and any comments made. List out any witnesses etc. you may come to rely on this.

@fleabagismyspiritanimal

Are you in the UK? Because he shouldn’t be reaching out to you about work at all if you are furloughed; it could jeopardize any funds the company is receiving.

I’d respond very directly about his comment. Maybe something like, “Bob I’m sure you don’t mean this the way it has come across but this was a really awkward message to send to a woman who works for you. Most of us just don’t enjoy comments about our personal appearance from work colleagues, no matter how friendly! I’ll respond re: the work questions on Monday via my work email.”

Ten to one hell respect you for it. If not, you’re doomed at this job anyway and at least you’ll have evidence that you told him to stop.

He will, not hell!

Creep

"I'd keep my mouth shut"
"I would not be offended by such comments"
Our sister has been rightfully offended by her objectification. She has been harmed emotionally by the misuse of power. I support her in whatever reasonable course of action she chooses to take to confront this. Where there is silence, there is complicity. I'm with you op, as a wellwisher who knows from experience that we must support each other to speak out x

I love what hollow said !!!!! I know it puts the onus on a Man to challenge him etc
But still !

I'd do what a PP suggested and totally ignore the comments about your appearance in texts until you see him in person. If he says anything else then I'd say "can we stick to the subject matter" or whatever.... he'll get the message. It is totally sexist, creepy, sleezy and disgusting and if a woman did it she'd be deemed slaggy, cheap and desperate.

@c3pu
Love "unsubscribe"
You win

Oh for gods sake people. Running off to hr is a huge mistake. Just shut it down politely but firmly. Answer the first bit, then on Monday pointedly turn up with no pigtails and make a point of asking about his wife and family. If he starts whining about them say 'just don't' give him a hard stare and then if he tries to say anything too much say look 'you are married and you are my boss. This absolutely has to stay professional between us' and leave it at that.

Say that now and it's too easy for him to say you are imagining it, only a comment, he's happily married etc etc.

I worked with men for years. I even kneed my pissed boss in the nuts (not very hard) as he was coming on too strong (as in he pounced on me). I kept my job, he was fine. They think they are allowed to say these things equally they think you are allowed to tell them to eff off. Act like you have the power to say no and guess what? You do.

Screenshot the messages, block the number.

Reply by email, never refer to it.

If he emails anything or says anything flirty directly after you’ve replied that though you know it’s banter it makes you a bit uncomfortable.

If you’ve got a very good relationship you can laugh it off with something like “where’s hr when you need them?” Or “hold your horses David Brent” or “oi it’s not the 1980s stop that!”

It’s upsetting and you can go to hr but the only way these situations have ever worked out well for me is politely laughing them off and refusing to engage.

You're an adult in a professional role. You're just going to have to communicate to him. If he oversteps again, then go to HR.

@Vodkacranberryplease definitely

and if he’s pissed n tries to even look at you funny kick him in the knackers with all the rage of the sisterhood (joke)

Omg! I’ve watched too much Ashes to Ashes....