Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

He is a creepy man. If we lived in a better world I’d say go to HR but in this one I’d say screen shot it, reply through work email and don’t mention anything about it. I’d also never wear pigtails at work again.

I think it’s inappropriate but in fairness to him, you seem to have rather used it to your advantage thus far. Not sure you can encourage it then claim offence

BINGO. Lets blame the woman for a guy being a fucking creepy Christian Grey wannabe.

Then put your hair in a more adult style

Actually let’s live in a world where women can wear their hair in whichever fucking way they choose to in a relaxed, casual work environment.

@KingofDinobots Sorry, but your advice was terrible. He's the CEO. He's supposed to be leading by example, and should know better.

@PlanDeRaccordement He won’t know if you have an open marriage and could be just seeing if you’re receptive to and return his attraction.

Pardon??

@CherryPavlova Sounds like using it to your advantage to me
Way to go supporting sexual harassment

@calmcoolandcollected I don't even know where to begin with your post. Shocking.

@Vodkacranberryplease Why should she not wear her hair in pigtails? If he has a penchant for that particular hairstyle, that's his problem.

So should op change how she dresses and behaves/responds in order to prevent his unacceptable behaviour towards her?
Or should he learn to change his unacceptable behaviour by learning why it is unacceptable, thereby possibly preventing him from similar behaviours towards both op and perhaps others?

@KingofDinobots

Look we can all be angry feminists together (and certainly I am both), but we are heading into a recession and the OP needs realistic advice.

If she goes in all guns blazing to HR, he won’t be sacked over this. It’s inappropriate but not sackable.

Somewhere down the line the company will make cuts and oh look what a coincidence the OP will lose her job because the ceo won’t want her around.

Best to head him off without making a huge fuss if possible.

This ^ 100% (and I'm an angry feminist too).

He’s a CEO. If she complains to HR he will carry on happily with his career. She will be labelled ‘difficult.’ It is utterly unfair and unreasonable but it’s true.

I like the jokes - that tends to work well as an approach too. He's not expecting you to suddenly book a hotel for lunch time sessions - he's showing a degree of interest and where it goes is up to you. It's going nowhere so make that clear and move on.

The only time you would involve HR is a) if the situation has escalated significantly and b) if you are reasonably sure it's a pattern of behaviour, with other victims prepared to come forward.

HR simply says 'I'm not grown up to de with my own problems and prefer to tell tales and get them to make it stop'.

Keep the texts in case he creates a problem in future otherwise be your normal self.

I should add that at the time I gently kneed my boss in the nuts I was in a very well paid professional job. We were a young company and he was probably only in his early 30s. It was a large us tech company. It was worth keeping the job and he was fine after.

I'd just reply "Dude, not cool. Email me the work stuff and I'll give it my soonest attention."

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

Hi, this is fleabag's husband. She's not well at the moment. She'll contact you when she's better. Meanwhile, I don't think that's an appropriate way to talk to her, do you?

Why does she have to pretend to be a man to sort this?

Can she not say it’s inappropriate herself?

He’s more likely to back off if he thinks her hubby is narked and knows what he’s up to. I think it’s a good idea, the creep will be onto it that someone else knows which is the last thing he wants. Sometimes a word from another man is what these dickheads need.

@Smallgoon, it's referred to as "reality". CEO of a corporation with at least 2 offices vs worker bee, and messages that may mean something more, but as reported here, could be read as nothing more than inappropriate banter (not harassment). You tell me who is going to "win" if worker bee lodges a complaint.

Whoever thinks HR is independent, does not have much understanding of the reality in most industries.

HR will be direct report to someone in management, if not CEO directly. It just simply won't work to raise complaints against CEO. Just being realistic here.

I don't get this.
People who are self identified feminists (and apparently "angry" ones at that) advising op to just give it up, ignore it, you might get sacked if you make a fuss, you need a job, he's ceo, you're nobody, make a joke of it, etc etc.
Curl your hair, look pretty when he comes home, laugh at his jokes, have his dinner warming.
I'm out of here. Good luck op x

I'm also a boss (owner) now and over lockdown have had one of my staff try to pull the HR stunt, sending me government guidelines as to why she should work at home and asking who she should send her hr stuff to. She seems to think there is some higher being she can report us to if she doesn't get what she wants.

I will be getting rid as soon as is humanly possible. I don't need someone who is just primed ready to control the business through an hr dept that doesn't exist (they are actually hr solicitors working on our behalf).

Anyone who starts that kind of thing is a liability and nothing but hassle. They talk to you FIRST. If you are then unreasonable and unfair then leave. Get a better job!

She's not a team player and the rest of the team are really sick of her - this is another manifestation of that.

Sorry OP but I agree with those saying to reconsider going to HR about this. Certainly not right away. If you want to go that route, I highly recommend having a new job lined up first. At the very least, you need to be prepared. Our economy is tanking and redundancies are happening everywhere.

I’m not saying this is fair, I’m just trying to be realistic.

I second that you should email him Monday and address his actual questions. I would ignore the comments in that initial email. If his response includes more of the same, I’d respond appropriately (I feel as if others have better examples of solid responses. I’d personally say that I’d like to keep the discussion professional, for example)

Again, no this isn’t fair. I’m sorry he’s putting you in this position.

(Also would like to add that I’ve no idea why people are coming down on you about the hairstyle!)

It is sexual harrassment but I sense your reluctance to go straight to HR, so:

Email him from your work enail on Monday sticking to the work conversation.
Join a union today.
Meet your union rep ASAP and log the evidence with them.
If this escalates, both you and the union rep take it to HR.

Please ensure you are not alone with him.

Vodkacranberryplease

You’re the boss, aren’t you....

HR have really not got the time or inclination to deal with every flirtatious comment or everyone throwing the "inappropriate" around thinking that it makes people sit up. It is massively overused, carries connotations of legal action (and huge amounts of wasted management resource) over something trivial. If you want to be taken seriously in the workplace, just clarify to him that any comments about your appearance are unwelcome. Allow him some room to back down, or you will definitely be out of the door at the next opportunity. Nothing to do with feminism, just reality I'm afraid.

I’m very sorry this has happened to you OP.

I’ll tell you what you could do, but whether you’d be able to, I don’t know. I don’t know if I could either, although I’d like to think so...

Do not reply to him.
Don’t talk to any other colleagues about this.

Get electronic and printed out copies of all the work emails with this “banter” in.

Register this with HR make a complaint.

He’s not going anywhere, he’s the CEO so you don’t stand a chance in that company.

You have physical evidence in emails and on your phone. He’s got your personal mobile number and he shouldn’t have. That’s a breach of GDPR and god knows what else.

At the earliest opportunity offer to leave if they offer you a years’ salary and a good reference.

If he’s got your personal number illegally and used it to harass you, you could threaten to go to the police.

As I said, I don’t know if I could do it, but I’d like to think so.

Don't go to HR yet.

Forward it to your line manager and ask him/her to deal with it.

You said nice chap/family man....

Clearly he is not a nice chap by his sexual references and come ons.... family man you say.... poor family

He appears to see you as a bit of 'skirt' to use an old expression. Disgusting letch

Ooo this boss??? No way! I'm female for starters. I treat staff well and have a mix of women and men in the team. All paid the same. All do the same unless they have a specific role. I would not tolerate one sexually harassing another (never happened) and if they did I would be having very sharp words with the offender.

But I worked successfully with men for a long time, including some complete twats. It's about sticking up for yourself but not burning your bridges over little things. If I didn't like a job I'd find a better one. I've seen the way it works for women who start that hr route. That's why I said what I said about multiple victims prepared to speak out and a considerably escalated situation.

No one expects the OP to simper or ignore it. It's about taking control instead of relying on some duplicitous hr person to have your best interests at heart - because they don't.

@Mrsmurrayposh

It’s not that at all. The poster already said there had been general banter before which she was not complaining about. It apprears this is the first thing HE has said . She knows him , we don’t . She has to try and nip this in the bud in her own way and keep evidence . If it happens again then. Of course go to HR .personally I don’t think that is anything to do with him being the CEO , that’s want you would do with any colleague .

HR have really not got the time or inclination to deal with every flirtatious comment or everyone throwing the "inappropriate" around thinking that it makes people sit up
You must have a shit HR department. I’m sorry about that.

It is massively overused, carries connotations of legal action (and huge amounts of wasted management resource) over something trivial

I’m not sure why you see the treatment of women in the workplace - and society- as trivial. You’re wrong.

If you want to be taken seriously in the workplace, just clarify to him that any comments about your appearance are unwelcome. Allow him some room to back down, or you will definitely be out of the door at the next opportunity. Nothing to do with feminism, just reality I'm afraid
Pretty sure you have no idea what feminism is.

That comment was for smile each day by the way!

@SmileEachDay feminism to me is about fighting your own fucking battles. And not taking shit for no reason. Not running off to tell on the CEO after he commented on a hairstyle.