Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

Are you actually meant to be working yet? Has furlough ended for you?

The messages are creepy, yes definitely.
Separate issue but do you really wear your hair in pigtails in a professional environment?

Message him today and let him know it’s unacceptable. Let him stew over the weekend not you

@Quirrelsotherface

Separate issue but do you really wear your hair in pigtails in a professional environment

Why would you ask this?

Oh God, he thinks he's Christian Grey.

Sorry, I read it, he's trying it on.

Do not engage. Respond to him on your company email/number, cc others in.

Keep the text messages, if this shitty behaviour continues, take it further.

FFS next time it will be 'he groped you yeah but you were wearing a short skirt'

OP - get some advice from actual HR people. There are several on this board (you could get this moved to employment and ask mnhq to change the title to add 'from my CEO') and you'll probably get more sensible responses.

You are not overreacting. It is - and always was - deeply inappropriate for him to comment on your appearance. He is relying on you being more junior and him having power over you as a way of controlling the situation. He's enjoying watching you squirm.

And I bet you won't be the first woman he's done this to either. Creeps are creeps their whole lives.

I think it’s inappropriate but in fairness to him, you seem to have rather used it to your advantage thus far. Not sure you can encourage it then claim offence.

Maybe just text back and say the truth that despite thinking it was funny/useful/harmless to date you’d rather it stopped.
Then put your hair in a more adult style.

He is absolutely wrong on every level, we all know that. But realistically, he is CEO and if you report this to HR they will have to investigate, they will find in OP's favour of course, then when they next do a redundancy round (which most companies will do in the near future), OP will be out. Looking for a job with 4 million others. Yes, it could go to a tribunal and yes she would win, but it's stressful and expensive.

I say this as someone who complained about being awarded a zero bonus one year which I proved was as a result of my being part time. My bonus was reinstated, I received a formal apology and made redundant 6 weeks later. My lawyer advised me that whilst I would win at tribunal, it would not be worth the effort. It took me 10 months to find another job and that wasn't in the middle of a pandemic. I won the battle but lost the war.

My advice would be to text him back, saying thanks for your text, I'm obviously happy to work with you on the project but your tone makes me feel uncomfortable. Please can we keep our communications professional.

Don’t text. Reply by email. Don’t comment on his inappropriate comments but do keep the screen shots.

Play the long game. If he is going to be a pervy, harassing shitbag he will hang himself with more inappropriate comments which you keep a record of.

If you are furloughed, your boss may contact you to check you are OK. You do not need to reply though.

I would say it makes you uncomfortable.

Just say 'Yes, I'd be happy to do X' (or No if you don't want to) but please don't make comments on my physical appearance as it makes me uncomfortable.'

Because I think it's the sort of hairstyle you'd wear to the beach, the stables, in the garden etc and not in a professional environment. I was genuinely surprised so that is why I asked.

Email is a good idea, as PP's said.

Sorry that was to @eckhart

@Quirrelsotherface How OP chooses to have her hair isn't relevant. It doesn't justify blokes making comments about her.

I think it’s inappropriate but in fairness to him, you seem to have rather used it to your advantage thus far. Not sure you can encourage it then claim offence

What the fuck?

Then put your hair in a more adult style

Also, what the fuck? .

Yep it’s incredibly unprofessional and he’s a fucking idiot. Just from the point of view of his own self protection, never mind the disrespect and sexism.

I would respond in a very professional and non encouraging way for now but log all contact going forward. Keep a record of it.

You may at some point need to push back, either directly with him or with HR so make sure you are armed.

Sleaze bag.

Definitely report as things won't get better otherwise.

If you haven't joined a union, do so now.

@NoMoreDickheads yes, I agree. That's why I prefaced my comment with 'on a separate note', or words to that effect.

I don't understand the advice to report to HR. He's the CEO - he can fire the entire HR department if he wants to. There is no way they will drag him over the coals; they don't have the power to do this. What they will do is defend him and do what he tells them to do in 'the interests of the company'.

I think the OP needs to keep all records of course and seek external advice (lawyer, union) before making any complaints.

OP you CANNOT just let this go and simply be professional about it.

Go to HR with an email saying that you consider this to be sexual harassment and will not hesitate to take it further if they do not act on it.

Furlough’s been fine thanks. Policy input fine too. Not comfortable with references to my appearance, prefer to keep things professional.

That’s all you really need to say.

That's awful. Keep your texts, this won't finish well.

Given that he’s the CEO before you go to HR, see if she can nip it in the bud. Firm boundaries may be enough for him to get the picture.

Given the climate, honestly I’d reply about the work in a flat way - he’ll have gotten the message from the gap in reply time and the nature of the response and realise he’s been an idiot.