Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

Please go to HR with screenshots. Do not reply.

That’s hugely inappropriate. Do you have an HR department you could report it to?

I would also nip the messaging to your private phone in the bud, so you could just say “by the way please use email in future, this number is just for personal use”.

I would not want to work with him, as the CEO I doubt he will be fired, but you can take this further. I would want a payout for leaving. Fuck that behaviour. I was sexually harrassed and assaulted by a director before and I was too petrified and young to tell anyone - I have never been so scared as I was. I wouldn't ever want anyone else to go through it.

The first is inappropriate, the second is actual harassment. Report to HR immediately.

He's not a nice chap or a family man.

OP, how much do you need your job? These things can be terrible for women. How much you need this job will inform how you deal with this harassment. You'll need to deal with it carefully, cleverly, and strategically. You effectively need to extract yourself from this predator's line of vision.

Do you have a union, OP?

I'd just do a list of statements. i.e.
Hi Bob

• I will of course do x,y and z tasks
• Please don't use my personal number in future, use work mobile/email
• Please don't make any further references to my appearance.

Hope you're well Flea

He's not being professional, but you must. Keep a record of what you've said (preferably do it by email), and if he crosses the line one more time, forward to HR. But hopefully he won't. Problem solved for you, and for him... a cringingly embarrassing, cold, hard, rejection.

I honestly think you need to go to HR. It makes me furious that he has demeaned you like that.

id come back with a crew cut

The likelihood is that he will assume that due to his position, even if you do feel uncomfortable, you will feel intimidated by his position to pursue the matter.

That is the most galling bit to me.

I think I'll give it the weekend.
Not reply and then on Monday reply via email how you have suggested.
Formal and to the point. Ignoring the flirtation and just responding purely to the work stuff.

@ErickBroch exactly! This is my concern.

I'm working my butt off to get up the ladder and all it takes is one pervy man to knock it down

No need to worry to this extent yet. He's continuing with jokes you've gone along with face to face. You need to make sure he knows you're no longer amused and see how he responds, before assuming disaster for your career.

I’d only reference work, but then say, “Could you please tell me who gave you my personal number, as I’d like to let them know that they should desist from passing it on. I don’t like it being used for work matters. This number is only for friends and family. My work e.mail is ####.“ This helps make it plain that it was not your choice for him to have that number, in case he tries to say that you gave it to him. Cheeky bastard must have went into your personal file or asked around for it.

id come back with a crew cut

😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

I would find that inappropriate . But not sure I would immediately go to HR . If you say it has been generally joked about before perhaps he just thinks it’s an “in” joke.

Only you know him well enough to judge that .

I would definitely take a screen shot . And personally I would totally ignore his comments in your reply and keep things professional and as another poster said just keep very distant when you return .

I had a boss that used to make comments about what I wore I used to just give him a really withering look and ignore what he said . He soon stopped .

I would a) not reply, b) report it to HR and c) wish to know how the fuck this creep got my personal phone number in the first place. If HR actually gave it to him, then surely the person responsible needs to undergo some re-training.

None of what's been said to you regarding your appearance is anything other than inappropriate in the workplace, and 'banter' is a word used in this context, generally by men, to excuse their shitty behaviour. Neither does it matter whether you've previously 'gone along' with it - for a quiet life or because you were uncomfortable, frighted or anxious about not being seen to join in. Every time shit like this happens to women at work, it erodes past gains in the name of equality and effectively gives men permission to treat us like lesser individuals.

Stuff like this makes me SO furious! (as you can probably tell)!

Gin gin's response was right on the nail. Draws a line and is strictly professional and polite.

Keep his message and your reply for future reference if required.

Neither does it matter whether you've previously 'gone along' with it - for a quiet life or because you were uncomfortable, frighted or anxious about not being seen to join in

I think it does matter, because it might just be a REALLY cringey misinterpretation on his part, and he thinks there's been flirtation both ways. It only takes one text to set that straight though. If he continues after that, off with his head.

@fleabagismyspiritanimal

I think I'll give it the weekend. Not reply and then on Monday reply via email how you have suggested. Formal and to the point. Ignoring the flirtation and just responding purely to the work stuff.

@ErickBroch exactly! This is my concern.

Replying on Monday via email is fine but I think you do need to address it to make it clear that it’s unacceptable.

Then take screenshots and email HR. Say you find it inappropriate and view it as sexual harassment. Take it from there.

I also like GinGinHooray's response.

Of course this is wrong, on every level, but I do think people are forgetting that this unpleasant man is a CEO and the OP is in a much more junior position (with regards to hierarchy, I'm not implying that she is somehow junior in her role). Which is of course what makes it even more shitty, but OP is coming off furlough which presumably means her company has been impacted by lock down and she may feel her employment is more vulnerable than before.

I'm sure we would all like nothing better than to hear that the OP has called him out on this shit and that HR has backed her to the hilt, or perhaps the OP has simply resigned in a dignified manner and joined a company with a less misogynistic CEO, but back in the real world we know that is not the most likely outcome here.

I'm not sure what to recommend OP, other than replying politely in a strictly professional manner with no reference to the inappropriate comments, being very careful not to be drawn into any kind of non-work related engagement with him, and keeping a detailed record and screenshots of inappropriate behaviour in case you need them in the future. I also think the advice of wearing your hair differently is good. Of course it is utterly wrong that you should have to adapt your hair in order to avoid unwanted sexual harassment, but it is a way of subtly rebuffing his attempt to engage with you in this way.

Sorry you are dealing with this, it is shit.

I don't kno

The second text about the pigtails I could see that maybe he thought if it was something you regularly joke about it was just a friendly way to say hello after a gap in communications - it’s much harder to express tone in a message and people are looking to be more informal to make up for the lack of face to face interaction currently. But combined with the “pretty face” message it starts to seem a bit harassing and I’d definitely be a bit uncomfortable.

"I think I'll give it the weekend.
Not reply and then on Monday reply via email how you have suggested.
Formal and to the point. Ignoring the flirtation and just responding purely to the work stuff. "

I think that's all you can do at this stage. Hopefully deflect and keep your job. Make sure you keep the message though in case you need it in future.

In these tricky times of redundancies, a rocky economy and layoffs I wouldn't be complaining and I wouldn't be saying anything about it. Yes, it would be nice to see him hauled over the coals by HR, of course he shouldn't get away with it. But real life - at least from what I have seen in 35 years of working - doesn't work like this.

I'd give a professional reply about the work, say of course I'd love to give my input on X policy, or write it etc I wouldn't mention the pigtails or say anything about "please don't refer to my appearance". I'd keep my mouth shut, use the opportunity and move on when I felt like it having maximised the opportunity.