Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

Yes halo unfortunately times have changed but not that much - an admin person is easy to replace and non revenue generating. A ceo costs thousands and if they are bringing in the money people around them (men and women) will overlook 'indiscretions'.

Wonder if there's a way to check the CEO out to see if he has anything like this on his record either there or anywhere? Depending on the hr people I wonder whether they would be prepared to have an off the record conversation? But about the ceo I'm guessing not.

And I would absolutely not do anything serious before talking to an employment solicitor. My ex business partner hired a barrister and thought he was up for £160k payday. Thank god he turned down the £70k I offered him. It isn't that easy to win these and one event won't do it.

Hr can very easily follow procedure but bear in mind this wouldn't be classed as gross misconduct so they would have to follow the procedures - warnings etc. Get that wrong and the ceo sues them and that's a lot less preferable to being sued by someone who might get a £10k payout at most.

So you then have a very very pissed off ceo and she will find herself moved sideways and managed out. As it is she's getting preferential treatment so he can withdraw that without it being even slightly wrong.

And her colleagues are unlikely to stand by her. She would need to get another job. And this is if procedures are followed (multiple warnings to him, various meetings involving hr) and if he doesn't repeat the behaviour then can't be warned etc and fired.

I know a very very senior woman in an it company who had appalling harassment- she had to record him. And it wasnt a text about her hair either. She got him, and his career is ruined, but it took a long time and was serious harassment repeated many times.

Have you been back to work OP? How did it go?

@fleabagismyspiritanimal I too am keen to know how Pervy McPerv has been with you since his text you ignored... Taken the hint?

We were talking about this on the weekend. A male friend (deeply unfanciable) is convinced every time a woman is friendly she fancies him. It's a definite thing (backed up with biology). A kind of ridiculous optimism and misreading of normal friendliness as sexual interest. Then when you really are interested they aren't picking up the hints..

Pretty fucking uncomfortable at work and from the boss very much so, and you also realise that the perks were because of that and to convey your lack of interest you need to give them up. Which is shit on many levels, because then you feel like you are not as competent as you thought even though you might be.

But omg it's hard to get people out - I've got someone essentially refusing to work in the office (which I really need her to do) and I've had to engage with her via emails THREE times and finally have her not turn up before I can even give her a first warning. Which she will dispute.

So OP I hope you are ok, and managed to get that line drawn nice and clearly without it causing you any problems. If it were me I'd be trying to extricate myself from any one to one work or extra work with him - it's not an opportunity. Use your energy on your 'Official' job and wow your immediate boss and other bosses as their backup will be very useful.

They may know he's a sleaze and be pissed of about it/not willing to condone it. If you have any female bosses being just as helpful and willing to them will stand you in very good stead. I've had a number of female team admins in the past who would be super helpful and friendly for the guys but who were completely different to me. I think they didn't want to see another woman about their age or not much older as not being like them.

Someone here made a few snippy comments along those lines - of me seeing myself as better than other women - which is just weird. But how some people think.

Someone who treats a female boss the way they treat a male boss would have really stood out for me and would have had my full support and protection against another senior colleague.

People arent stupid. They see what he's up to. They just don't know whether you are going along with it or not.

@FleabagIsMySpiritAnimal What happened with this OP? Don't leave us hanging.

HR.

Considering how high up he is and how you're trying to get ahead I'd be tempted to document all and reply with something formal and politely putting an end to all contact on your phone, something like;

Happy to give input, of course. Please send details to my work email - this phone is the private number for both myself and DH.

That way he will be aware that his messages are being seen and that you do not wish him to contact you through anything but official work channels but not in a confronting way.

Do keep all evidence though and try to keep a record of any verbal comments made. If this continues, or if it doesn't and you want to go ahead and complain now, then you'll need proof.

It's so bloody disappointing when men behave like this.

I think OP has gone

ZOMBIE THREAD

OH FFS!!!

Why so many Zombies this week?!!

I even read all updates on this pone and still didn't realise!!!

WHY IS THERE NO ZOMBIE THREAD WARNING??

Just got reading then realised the dates, thought there would.of.been an update

BoomyBooms is absolutely right. This is wholly inappropriate and has gone way beyond the fairly tired joke it started off being.

I would just tell him directly. ‘No problem to look at policy, when is convenient? I find the tone of your previous message unprofessional though, please could you refrain from making comments about my appearance in future as it’s made me uncomfortable.’

Totally agree with this and it's exactly how i'd act - ignore the pervy bit and keep things professional.

He's disgusting and shouldn't be sending anyone messages like that.

Report him, stop waiting around to do it.

I'd send him a text back telling him he's been reported and not to text me ever again.

Sit tight. Save the message exchanges. Ask the company to fire him because he is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home. If they fire you (let you go) sue them. Sue him privately for sexual harassment and loss of income if his actions resulted in you losing you job.

I'd do as you've suggested reply professionally via email only and keep an eye on the other personal comments before deciding whether to report.

I'd also never wear ny hair in pigtails again in his presence.

Ewww it reminds me of Hugh Grant's Percy character in Bridget Jones. You're not wrong to be upset. It's totally unprofessional. Maybe texting something like 'can we keep this professional please'.

Pervy character not Percy!!

It is inappropriate, definitely keep screenshots, log your concerns with HR, and let him know it is unprofessional.

I don't consider a line manager having a personal number inappropriate - as OP has said, she isn't keeping work mobile charged, and if furloughed, probably shouldn't be responding to work emails. How is C Exec /line manager supposed to get hold of her in an emergency/back to work situation?
That said, the number should still be used professionally for emergency/end of furlough conversations, not for sexist fantasies and comments about pigtails.

Aghhh zombie!!

@Higgeldypiggeldy35

Aghhh zombie!!

My thoughts too, and no update

@Laiste

If a female boss was inappropriately hitting on a male what would the male say?

''Missed your handsome face around the office, i have work but only if you come in with your hair in that lovely quiff/those tight trousers ....''

Answer?
Sorry but I don't think that's really appropriate. If you need me to work please let me know [what/when ect.] Thank you.

he would NOT get his wife to wave her virtual fist at the boss.

except life for women and men is still very different. Great in theory, but reality means you sometimes need to flex to reality

That’s horrible - I would be utterly horrified and really feel for you. Plus point is that he’s done it in writing - make sure you take a screenshot and save it. In this day and age there is absolutely no situation in which it’s appropriate for a male CEO to call out ‘a pretty face’ to a female colleague. What the fuck is wrong with these people.

I’m not sure how I would respond really, or about HR. All very difficult and context is everything. I would probably go deadpan back ‘looking forward to getting back to work’. No reference to anything, makes it clear you’re not going to enter into anything which isn’t public office bants. If he does ANYTHING again (personal, directly to you) call it out immediately.