Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

Because I think it's the sort of hairstyle you'd wear to the beach, the stables, in the garden etc and not in a professional environment. I was genuinely surprised so that is why I asked

Are there rules? Or is everybody meant to be deciding for themselves how they do their hair?

Having been there, done that and worn the t-shirt, I completely agree with what @Cheeseismydownfall suggested.

I spent many happy and successful years in the company and said creepy person took the hint eventually and actually became a great supporter of my career later. I think my actions - without creating a fuss - earned a great deal of respect from him but I agree is is pretty uncomfortable at the time. ☹️

Good idea to reply by email. Don’t be tempted to put a soft ‘sorry’ in for finding it inappropriate.

I know I am in a massive minority here but my old boss would have said things like this to me and I just found it a little bit flirty but completely harmless. It never went further than a few flattering compliments and although I knew he was a bit sexist, that was just him and his way of interacting with women. If you call him up on it, as the CEO, it might actually do more harm than good for your career there. Clearly I would not put up with sexual harassment, but my boundaries are set a bit wider than a couple of jokey comments about my attractiveness. And I would have taken that with a pinch of salt. I definitely agree that responding in a professional way with no acknowledgement of the banter is the way forward however.

He’s flirting.
Since you are happily married, I’d just tell him to stop with the flirty comments or you’ll complain to HR.
I think it right to give him a warning before going to HR. He won’t know if you have an open marriage and could be just seeing if you’re receptive to and return his attraction.

But, I’d also pull back on the PA stuff and only do your job from now on. It’s clear he was giving you preferential treatment as a sweetener, not because he truly values you as a professional. But that’s my moral compass. If you want take advantage of him, you could string him along and get promoted before you let him down.

that was just him and his way of interacting with women

Do people still think like this?! It's so 1980s!

Keep the text. Reply short and sweet . ie . Furlough fine. Happy to give my input to policy, but not happy about references to my appearance and would prefer communications between us to be professional.
Don’t report to HR yet but let him stew over the fact that he has overstepped the mark .

No response is also a response.
He might hear that loud and clear?

Alternatively "remove my personal number from your contact list."

You're not engaging in his inappropriate dribble but you're reminding him of boundaries.

@Mummadeeze

I know I am in a massive minority here but my old boss would have said things like this to me and I just found it a little bit flirty but completely harmless. It never went further than a few flattering compliments and although I knew he was a bit sexist, that was just him and his way of interacting with women. If you call him up on it, as the CEO, it might actually do more harm than good for your career there. Clearly I would not put up with sexual harassment, but my boundaries are set a bit wider than a couple of jokey comments about my attractiveness. And I would have taken that with a pinch of salt. I definitely agree that responding in a professional way with no acknowledgement of the banter is the way forward however.

So this is just your long winded way of telling the OP, to ignore her discomfort because you didn’t have a problem with your boss acting totally inappropriately towards you? I know it may come as a shake, but you don’t get to tell other women what they should find acceptable.

@SmileEachDay

I think it’s inappropriate but in fairness to him, you seem to have rather used it to your advantage thus far. Not sure you can encourage it then claim offence

What the fuck?

Then put your hair in a more adult style

Also, what the fuck? .

I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.. Sounds like using it to your advantage to me.

@nextslideplease

OP you CANNOT just let this go and simply be professional about it.

Go to HR with an email saying that you consider this to be sexual harassment and will not hesitate to take it further if they do not act on it.

What would taking it further involve? HR won’t back her against the CEO for one mildly inappropriate text. Bringing a claim for sexual harassment would involve resigning from her job and incurring legal expenses. One text about pigtails is not going to net her a massive payout. Be realistic.

OP, email back don’t text him ever and keep it formal and professional. Save all communications you aren’t happy with in case it escalates. Your hair, your choice but I’d ditch the pigtails thereby giving a very clear message without a confrontation.

Ugh, he isn't even 'normal flirting' - he has some sort of school girl thing, I bet you. Yuk, yuk, yuk.

I would reply factually and shortly about the work stuff and say 'Ongoing talk about my hair etc is making me uncomfortable so I would appreciate sticking to work matters, thanks'.

my reaction was 'it isn't the 1970s!'. Give him one chance 'please lose the comments about appearance, thank you'. Anything other than an apology and an immediate cessation and you go straight to HR.

I'd come back with.."I don't wear my hair in plaits anymore, for some reason they tend to lead to creepy inappropriate comments from people with, what can only be described, as a hair fetish"

@constantlyseeking of course she can say it herself, but it risks damaging her career more than if he thinks it's her bloke. Don't hate the player, hate the game

@CherryPavlova you are deliberately missing out the context in which the OP wrote that line.

"Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb."

What nasty and underhand behaviour.

I tend to agree about dealing it with yourself rather than going straight to HR. If it knocks it on the head, all well and good, but I'd still be inclined to mention it to HR as "dealt with, no problem, but I thought you should know just in case it happens with anyone else". If he makes a habit of it, and 4 out of 5 of you handle it yourselves, then then HR could do with knowing that the fifth case is not an isolated one - especially if that one is verbal so there is no evidence.

Oh that's sounds quite pervy. Little girls wear pigtails.

Just fyi. HR are not the police. If the culture of a company is awful, ie the CEO is horrible, HR are not there to independently arbitrate and hold senior execs to account. They are there to protect the status quo.

id come back with a crew cut

Best post of the thread

I agree that you should just respond to the professional stuff and not reference the inappropriate stuff. Just ignore. If he keeps bringing it up in person it will be easier/more natural to just say “can we drop this joke now please” or similar.

It’s shit and it’s sexist and unfair but I would not escalate to HR, or send him an email which might embarrass/anger him, because he is the CEO and the reality is you will just make your life harder. Sad but true.

If you can, shut it down now.

I had very similar with my direct line manager. I tried to laugh it off (it was often in front of others) and I tried to ‘be a good sport’ but it got worse and more personal.

Eventually I asked him to stop. He said “if you want to make a complaint about me the forms are in my bottom draw. I keep them there so that when you bend over to get one I can check out your arse”.

I left not long after but with the benefit of hindsight I wish I had gone down the complaints process. He wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on as so much of it was public and I had email after email of his ‘jokes’.

I like @Eckhart ‘s suggested response. It will make him feel silly yet he won’t be able to take issue with it as it’s not rude etc.
Whether you go to HR as well is up to you, I probably would.

Just don’t reply. Obviously if it escalates you can reassess and consider going to HR but I think it will be really stressful for you trying to write an answer and might make things more awkward. It’s a bit shit because he should be held accountable but hopefully by not responding that will be the end of the conversation and he won’t text you to your personal number again!

I would go to HR to inform them that you are being asked to work while you are being furloughed.
They will be fully aware that this is against the rules so it will be better coming from them.