Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

@Vodkacranberryplease I mean, you posted the below which in my opinion is utterly vile.

This is EXACTLY why some men don't want women in their management teams - or any other teams. And it totally screws other women. I've always wondered why men spout off about 'can't do anything any more without being accused of being harassed. Don't ever hire women or at least don't trust them or promote them.' I've always thought it was just misogynistic rubbish from bitter old men

You do realise her complaint is against the actual CEO, right? Somebody in the highest position who really should lead by example. Do you also realise that he probably does this because he knows he's untouchable? Nobody will dare call him out, or go to HR - I mean why would they? That would be career suicide.

By going straight to hr without giving any indication you find it unwelcome you are proving you are not part of the team, you are not safe and frankly you look like you just want a payout. No man would ever do that. it would be considered such a fucking low move.

Really? How many men do you know who have been subjected to sexual harassment at the hands of the CEO? Stop making fucking excuses for the behaviour of perverted men!

@Kingofdinobats has it spot on.

We have an exceptionally low staff turnover and everyone is happy, they are treated fairly and gender doesn't come into it.

But going straight to hr on a single comment without even letting the person know it's not welcome is a whiny bitch move. Bitch as in could be a man or a woman,

Going to hr AFTER you have spoken to them and the behaviour has continued and you've tried to put a stop to it is perfectly reasonable. Pretty clear really, twist it how you want though. Remember..... always tell a grown up!! 😂

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness @Vodkacranberryplease is the sort of woman found in most workplaces who thinks she’s ‘one of the lads’ and a cut above all the other pathetic women who work there who have a bit of respect for themselves.I can imagine her trying to join in the football chat and banter to look ‘cool’.

Couldn't agree more. Absolutely cringing at her "men wouldn't complain cos that would be 'low'" bullcrap.

Remember folks, constantly being on the receiving end of comments about your physical appearance is just 'banter'. Don't whine and don't bitch... You know you secretly love it anyway.

@HotSince82 The thing is, he can possibly owing to his seniority spin this as 'nothing' and make you out to be oversensitive. Yes, I'm aware that you're not and in an ideal world he would be pulled up sharply at this point. However, if you don't think this is realistically likely then play the long game. Ignore any impropriety until he has well and truly hung himself with that long rope he has been given. Don't be left alone with him for any length of time, that goes without saying, if he is to shoot himself in the foot you will want witnesses, preferably more than one.

Agree with this 100%.

Sorry but if it were me I would ignore it - and I am VERY SORRY to say this or feel this way. You are on furlough, we are in a crisis. My company are currently deciding which members of staff we can bring back from furlough or make redundant. Unfortunately the CEO would have a say in this. I would have to think of the bigger picture and my family.

@Vodkacranberryplease

This is EXACTLY why some men don't want women in their management teams - or any other teams. And it totally screws other women.

By going straight to hr without giving any indication you find it unwelcome you are proving you are not part of the team, you are not safe and frankly you look like you just want a payout. No man would ever do that. it would be considered such a fucking low move.

I've always wondered why men spout off about 'can't do anything any more without being accused of being harassed. Don't ever hire women or at least don't trust them or promote them.' I've always thought it was just misogynistic rubbish from bitter old men. And I stand corrected. Truly astonished at the petty, spiteful, officious advice from some posters masquerading as feminism.

It's the official route! The right thing! Always tell a grown up! Oh wait, that's what you say to children.

I don't know what roles you people are in but they would have to be ones where 'the rules' are the only thing that matters. Where whether you have a good working relationship with your boss or colleagues doesn't matter, because my god they have to watch their backs. Say the wrong thing and you'll be off to HR to tell on them.

And yet no doubt you are all happy to take the perks. The OP was happy to get some extra attention without a thought that it was happening because of her incisive business sense or superior insight.

Not that I'm blaming the OP as she's not saying she's running off to HR. But it would be fucking hypocritical if she were to. Will she get the special treatment after she tells him no? Probably not, that's life.

But seriously if you can't be cooperative, and cordial, and be clear on your rules then just don't have a job unless it's one you do on your own. Telling tales on people and then expecting them to be ok working with you us just naive and fucking entitled.

The lower status female Office Manager has to define the boundaries to the married CEO because he is so sexist, entitled and assuming he can't work them out for himself. WTAF.

@Smallgoon

Fairly certain *@CherryPavlova* is a troll. Can't imagine anybody could be this tone deaf.

No not a troll. Dislike sleaze but think we cannot expect double standards where men cannot react to overt sexualised behaviour from women in the workplace but it’s fine for women to use their sexuality to improve promotion prospects. Neither is acceptable.

And no I do not join in football banter. I have no interest in football. Or any sport. I don't need to be 'cool' and as I am the boss there's a limit to the 'banter' (ugh, awful word). We don't have that kind of banter at work because I wouldn't tolerate it. But that doesn't fit your narrative. @ConstantlySeekingHappiness you don't know me. At all. Don't try, and dont assume you do.

And yes smallgoon it is absolutely shit of him to use his position like that! He's put her in a very difficult position that she has to manage herself out of and it is completely unprofessional and unfair. The balance of power is on his side and he's a dick, frankly. I'm not defending his actions I'm simply pointing out the best way for the OP to behave that will yield the best result for her.

All of these inferences that I got where I have because I went along with it, that I'm some kind of apologist for workplace harassment, of that I must be some kind of 'ladette' desperately seeking approval from men etc is just revolting.

I just have some idea of how companies work, and how men work and where HR fits into that (hint, they are viewed as a necessary evil to protect the company).

If I was an office manager there is NO WAY I would get drawn into fucking PA work either. It's hardly a promotion.

overt sexualised behaviour from women in the workplace

Can you point to where the OP displayed said overt sexualised behaviour??

OP, I did not read full thread...I saw enough of the usual pile-on & decided life is too short. Do as you decided with the email from work, brief & only refer to work related matters. Also do say your ph is for personal contacts only & please use either work phone (once you are switched on again) or work email in future . He shd get the msg. I understand why s/o suggested the text 'from your husband' to put across that s/o else is aware of the inappropriate communication. It is not that you are some weak little woman who can't stand up for herself, it is because these types rely on silence & then he'd know someone else saw the texts. I do think it premature to go to HR looking for his head on a platter for the timebeing ... keep a copy of the txt & if he does anything of the sort again tell him in no uncertain terms that it is sexual harassment & you will take it further. Throw Harvey Weinstein & 'Me Too' into the 'banter' next time....he might think twice.

@CherryPavlova she wore her hair in pigtails, she wasn't donning nipple tassels.

overt sexualised behaviour indeed.

We all know your type, you know?

it is absolutely shit of him to use his position like that! He's put her in a very difficult position that she has to manage herself out of and it is completely unprofessional and unfair. The balance of power is on his side and he's a dick, frankly. I'm not defending his actions I'm simply pointing out the best way for the OP to behave that will yield the best result for her

What a spectacular piece of backtracking...

‘Simply pointing out the best way for the OP to behave that will yield the best results for her’ 😂😂

Not quite what your posts say.

Sorry, I can't get past the 'pigtails', it's something I imagine little girls wear and school children.
They may look great though but my thought is 😬.
I know that didn't help.

Fucks sake smallgoon absolutely nowhere did I say that constantly being on the end of comments about your appearance is ok, just stop making things up. I AT NO POINT said it was just banter, or ok. I have indicated no approval at all.

Just try being truthful. And reading what people write instead of adding your own story. Or is that not complicated or official enough for you?

Family man my arse...

The dirty old letch is probably imaging you in some warped naughty schoolgirl scenario 🤢

I wouldn't say anything but if he brings it up again a tumbleweed silence followed by a horrified/puzzled look should hammer the message home.

@CherryPavlova we cannot expect double standards where men cannot react to overt sexualised behaviour from women in the workplace but it’s fine for women to use their sexuality to improve promotion prospects

When did she use her sexuality for promotion? Are you actually trying to slut-shame her for doing her job? She can dress (within limits) and wear her hair as she bloody well wants. If he can't contain his weird schoolgirl fetish fantasies, that's his fucking problem. Stop being an apologist for perverted behaviour at the hands of senior, powerful men.

Did you believe Harvey Weinstein's victims were in any way responsible for his behaviour towards them? Did they too use their sexuality to drive him to rape them?

All I can say is thank god I don't work with any of you. This year is going to be a fantastic one work wise and it will be entirely free of sexual harassment, banter, or people like you making shit up. I will not have to rely on men and no men will be telling me what to do. You might be talking the feminist talk but I'm living the feminist dream.

And on that note I think it's time for a nice vodka and cranberry. Enjoy your night ladies 🙂

Urgh. I'd have v twitchy fingers to reply along the lines of " very happy to provide input into the policy. Is it the dignity at work policy? The approach to ours needs review ". Urgh. He's gross.

@ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother it depends on your hair texture, I have very curly mixed race hair and still wear pigtails/two braids as some days that is the only way my hair looks halfway reasonable.

[quote Smallgoon]**@CherryPavlova* we cannot expect double standards where men cannot react to overt sexualised behaviour from women in the workplace but it’s fine for women to use their sexuality to improve promotion prospects*

When did she use her sexuality for promotion? Are you actually trying to slut-shame her for doing her job? She can dress (within limits) and wear her hair as she bloody well wants. If he can't contain his weird schoolgirl fetish fantasies, that's his fucking problem. Stop being an apologist for perverted behaviour at the hands of senior, powerful men.

Did you believe Harvey Weinstein's victims were in any way responsible for his behaviour towards them? Did they too use their sexuality to drive him to rape them?[/quote]
No. Exactly the opposite. I expect all staff to take responsibility for their behaviour.
Perhaps stop apologising for a woman who also got it wrong. Neither party has behaved appropriately. It’s why dress codes help; some staff don’t understand the concept of dressing for work and some are sleazy.
If you dismiss it as banter and teasing, and laugh at the comments initially, how is someone meant to know it’s suddenly unacceptable because you’ve decided to belatedly be offended?
Dress professionally. Behave professionally. Be clear when someone is not behaving appropriately.

I've just caught up on the thread.
You're all too fast for me!!

I hear what is being said and am gonna go with my original plan of giving it the weekend and then going through formal channels.

I have medium length hair to my shoulders, so the pigtails are just comfortable (when I maybe haven't washed my hair it works) and I just like them.
In a fairly small London office where we don't customer face. No presentations etc.

I can confirm I've used his interest in my professional ability to promote myself, but not used my "feminine wiles" to promote my career.

Thanks for all replies. I've not replied and am hoping he feels like a prick for sending messages with no response.
I'm not prepared to play the "my husband" card as I don't feel comfortable hiding behind a man as a response. No response is a response!!

I do feel for the family. When I said family man, it was my first impression.

@Vodkacranberryplease

You're right Tatiana! Anyone that says someone has a pretty face and nice hair deserves to be fired.

Or perhaps people that can't cope shouldn't work. Or certainly shouldn't work with men.

Wtf?. Actual comment:

I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails....

Did you really think he was saying she had nice hair? How dim are you?