Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness *What a spectacular piece of backtracking...

‘Simply pointing out the best way for the OP to behave that will yield the best results for her’ 😂😂

Not quite what your posts say.*

Agreed. Maybe she re-read that horror of a post she wrote and realised how much of an apologist she sounded. I mean how dare anybody complain to HR about the CEO, who should fucking know better.

And on that note I think it's time for a nice vodka and cranberry

Sounds like you’ve had a few already.

@CherryPavlova so you have dress codes which prohibit pigtails then I take it?

The thing is he could have alluded to 'that ponytail', 'that curly blow' " that bob" and he would still have been inappropriate.

OP's hairstyle is immaterial. His commentary relating to it is the issue.

Buy a hideous wig and send him a photo saying it’s your new style 🤣

I'd reply in a professional detached way about the work stuff, not forgetting to mention the 'mistaken' use of your personal number, then say "No more pigtails. Highly inappropriate for the workplace, I have come to think. Something much more professional is in order from now on!"

It avoids spelling it out in a confrontational way, but he'd have to be really stupid not to get the message.

@Vodkacranberryplease

You might be talking the feminist talk but I'm living the feminist dream

Hope you can get past your ego ok on your way to the fridge.

I wouldn't report it to HR, if you've continued with the banter he will use this against you if they decide to investigate it.
Also, if they make comments about your pigtails why do you keep wearing them? Surely you are giving him reason to flirt if you know that draws in his attention?

Just reply with a formal response via email ignoring his inappropriate comments.

Ex-management trainer here. This is one of those things HR and line managers are for.

My take would be - document it, clearly setting out what transpired and the fact that it's inappropriate and made you anxious enough to share your feelings with others.

HR & his line manager should have the conversation for you. Just keeping it between you creates a kind of shared secret, isolating you from help if he gets worse. 'Why didn't you report it?' etc. Also he might argue that he thought you were ok with it if you don't nip it in the bud.

I would reply something like ‘I’ll be happy to help you with the report - as long as there are no more comments about my appearance’ and pt some smiling emojis or something similar.
It is inappropriate but I also think you need to be consistent and say the same to any others who make jokes....

However you choose to respond, don’t do it from your personal phone. Either reply by email or from your work phone, and tell him he’s accidentally used the wrong number. If nothing else, that will point out his inappropriateness in using your personal phone - as you do not, and will not, have a personal relationship.

Lots of good advice here from HR professionals. I’m sorry this has happened to you OP.

Best of luck OP and could I just add my voice to the chorus of people who have noted that cherrypavlova's advice is risible.

Overtly sexualised pigtails -- now I've heard it all.

I have had a long week but it could have been worse, at least I don't have to deal with Cherry P in my workplace.

I have the brilliant song Absolutely Not by Deborah Cox running through my head:

Should I wear my hair in a ponytail?
Should I dress myself up in chanel?
Do I measure me by what you think?
Absolutely not, absolutely not
If I go to work in a mini-skirt
Am I givin' you the right to flirt?
I won't compromise my point of view
Absolutely not, absolutely not

@SocialConnection My take would be - document it, clearly setting out what transpired and the fact that it's inappropriate and made you anxious enough to share your feelings with others.
HR & his line manager should have the conversation for you. Just keeping it between you creates a kind of shared secret, isolating you from help if he gets worse. 'Why didn't you report it?' etc. Also he might argue that he thought you were ok with it if you don't nip it in the bud.

Good advice.

Maybe Cherry and Vodka can live the feminist dream together.

in a remote corner of the world untouched by the MeToo movement

He’s the CEO, and while that’s inappropriate it’s not an outright sacking offence, especially since you seem to have gone along with similar jokes over email/in person, so he’ll say it was just banter.

So realistically I wouldn’t complain or directly challenge him on it: even if people agree with you, and even if he apologises, you won’t “win” in any sense.

I’d ignore the flirty bit. Just reply saying furloughs been fine thanks, will be good to get back to work.

Once you’re there, be professional but distant. Any comments like that, respond with a frown or raised eyebrow, or sort of pointedly ignore them.

Hopefully he’s just a bit of an idiot and will back off once he realises you’re unimpressed.

But in case of any other issues - keep a detailed record of anything inappropriate and of your interactions with him.

^^ This is how I would handle the situation too. You previously engaged with the joking around.
He is the CEO and you are trying to climb the career ladder. He will not be sacked. Your card will be marked. Sad but true.

Unless you are prepared to start looking for a job elsewhere, I would not do other than the above.

If you do, what do you expect the outcome to be, bearing in mind he is the CEO?

@marfisa

As a bow out, because Ive asked the good people of mumsnet to delete my account due to the content of this thread:
Whilst they are pitting us against each other, they are quietly getting on with fucking us over.
Sisters, please:
Support each other
Believe in each other
Respect each other
There is strength, dignity and power in every woman. If we work together, we are an unstoppable force.
Peace out sisters xxx

@Sittingontheveranda

Where did she 'go along' with it? She has clearly written that comments were made about her hair, which she laughed off (perfectly normal response -I have done the same). She flagged with a male friend who didn't think anything out of the ordinary.

She then received a wholly inappropriate text message, to her personal phone. Hence a line is crossed, and it has made her feel uncomfortable.

Why is this so hard to comprehend?

The lack of condemnation in this thread, towards a powerful CEO, who has, and will continue to abuse his power (because he can), is abominable. As are the 'stop wearing your hair in pigtails' suggestions. Christ.

This place sometimes. 🙄
OP if I was in your position I'd take the advice of replying respectfully requesting he cuts it out.
His behaviour is terrible though I think your better being direct before HR his head is turned he needs a reality check.
Reply by text for evidence.

The posters on here being nasty about the OP because of how she wears her hair - honestly, grow up. You’re utter embarrassments and nobody takes you seriously.

Smallgoon I was quoting a previous poster but the bold font wasn't applied correctly to indicate it was a quote. Nevertheless, it was a post I agreed with because the OP wrote

Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am.

That was when the OP needed to say that the comments made her uncomfortable. Not saying anything may have indicated to him that she was okay with it. I am not condoning it. He sounds like a sleaze. He sounds like he likes very young girls too because asking a woman to dress her hair up to look like a little girl is worse than sleazy.
Should he get away with it. Absolutely not. But this is the real world and sadly the man is in a position of power and the OP isn't. Her career in the company will change if she goes to HR. While she won't be sacked, whether the CEO is sacked or not, word will get around and she will end up transferring to another area whether she wants to or not, or worse. Its very well to say none of this should happen. That goes without saying.
Should she go to HR? Yes. Should the CEO be reprimanded? Yes.
Doing this is a step against female harassment in the workplace. Will it be in the OP's personal career interests? Probably not. Sadly.