Text made me so uncomfortable

[fleabagismyspiritanimal]

Long term user, name changed for this.

So, a while ago, my company got a new CEO. Nice chap, family man etc.
Sometimes works out of our office as more local to his home then HQ.

First time I met him I was dressed very casually, with my hair in 2 long plaits, some jokes were made. But office is very casual so no one cared.
Overtime he started to use me (I am the office manager) as a sort of PA, I'm good at what I do, and he valued my input and I figured, what the hell, possible career climb.
Comments kept getting made about my pigtails and how pretty I am. But I could never find anything inherently wrong and asked a guy friend who said he didn't feel it was inappropriate but more banter.

Cut to now. I've been furloughed for a few months. Office is starting to return.
Cue a text from said CEO, to my personal phone, saying "hi ---, hows furlough been? Missed your pretty face around the office the last few months..."
Second message slides in
"I have some policy I could use your input on, but only if you wear your hair in those pigtails...."

It's made me really uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.
This feels like a step too far. It was one thing when jokes were made, and silly comments in company emails but this is my private phone.
I'm not overreacting am I?
I haven't replied yet.

Sexual harassment

The posters on here being nasty about the OP because of how she wears her hair
They're probably thinking it could be their DH therefore blame the pig tails not the grown educated man.

@Sittingontheveranda Well respectfully, I disagree with you. Now is the right time for her to flag (either with him, or his manager/HR) that his conduct towards her is unwanted, inappropriate and highly unprofessional, for person of his position. He has crossed the line with that text message. He clearly has no understanding of boundaries, because, well, he's the CEO and can do whatever the hell he likes.

Until you've been on the receiving end of this behaviour, from a CEO, I dare say you couldn't imagine what it feels like. The fear of knowing nobody will believe you, or care, because quite frankly, he is in charge of who stays and who goes. Dreading further comments being made, knowing that the expectation is that you laugh them off, because if your response resembles even so much of a scowl, you will be gaslit by him, and his minions, for having 'no banter'.

And as for your other comments on what the repercussions for her could be as a result of her being a 'snitch' - well she'd have a pretty strong legal case for discrimination I'd say.

I spoke out against a CEO. He turned the whole senior management team against me and tried to manage me out of the business. He himself was then forced to resign (following a lengthy external investigation) and I received a significant payout in return for my silence. So you'll have to forgive me when I read posts simply saying "don't do it, you'll lose and your career will be fucked".

I know I'm somewhat of an exception but I genuinely believe we live in an era where sexual harassment is no longer, and should no longer ok. Especially not from males in very senior positions.

Most of these responses are from people who haven't the first clue how corporations work.
'Report him to HR' - FFS, he's the CEO, he can fire the entire HR department! Do people seriously think that HR is some kind of independent adjudicator? Well they're not. They're employed by the CEO (ie the villain in this piece) to protect the interests of the company. Reporting the CEO to HR is akin to writing a resignation letter. They work for him.

And as for the advice to report him to his line manager - I give up. He has no line manager. There's no way in hell that the Chair of the Board would get involved.

The naivety about the role and powers of HR is shocking.

Hi, this is fleabag's husband.

Because only the menz can call this out?

@Disquieted1

I agree with you. The majority of the replies are what she could do if it was a peer harassing her.
The only way for the OP to maybe get anywhere with this is go legal which firstly I doubt she wants to do and secondly I doubt there is enough to go legal anyway.

Suggest to HR that there are rumours going around about inappropriate texts being sent to employees. Suggest that in the context of #MeToo you are mentioning it to speak up but you won’t say who told you and you would prefer they keep your name out of it. Suggest a reminder of appropriate communication is circulated. Even if nothing happens this is the sort of comment that will be addressed at senior meetings. It should prick his conscience.

I do actually agree that you have no future at this company if you attempt to take action by contacting HR or confronting him.

I don't think you should drop it though.

Here's my two pence, just to throw it in with the rest of the advice.

Apply for a new job and do not mention anything about this incident to anybody at your current work place in the meantime. Keep evidence of every future incident of inappropriate behaviour. Keep evidence of all past incidents.

Get the new job, get a great reference from Pervy McPervface, leave without any non disclosure agreements over your head. I would even try to somehow explain to the new employer exactly why you felt uncomfortable enough to look for a new job.

Then when you are settled in your new job, take old job to court.

I don't know if that's the best idea, I'm sure others will see some major problems with it, but that is personally what I would strongly consider doing and what I hope I could do if I were in your shoes.

I’d reply by email saying ‘dear boss, I refer to your text message (screenshot below).

I am happy to carry out the tasks requested.

I am replying by email in order to keep our correspondence thread clear, as I don’t wish to receive work related messages to my private phone.

I Am embarrassed and uncomfortable with your comments on my appearance, and ask you not to make such comments again.’

Wear you hair in a severe bun for a few weeks when you go back. If he says anything just look quizzical.

He sounds like he likes very young girls too because asking a woman to dress her hair up to look like a little girl is worse than sleazy

Ffs so now he’s some sort of hebephile?!

Or is it that OP wore her hair in a childish style and he has used that as some sort of “in joke” to have an excuse for flirty banter??

Inappropriate, yes. Some sort of sexual deviant, no.

This has been a very interesting thread to read the opinions on.

He’s a sleezy creep and is testing the waters to see if you’d be up for a sexual relationship. It’s also sexual harassment from a person in a position of power and influence over your career, he’s gross and pervy.

@SionnachGlic

OP, I did not read full thread...I saw enough of the usual pile-on & decided life is too short. Do as you decided with the email from work, brief & only refer to work related matters. Also do say your ph is for personal contacts only & please use either work phone (once you are switched on again) or work email in future . He shd get the msg. I understand why s/o suggested the text 'from your husband' to put across that s/o else is aware of the inappropriate communication. It is not that you are some weak little woman who can't stand up for herself, it is because these types rely on silence & then he'd know someone else saw the texts. I do think it premature to go to HR looking for his head on a platter for the timebeing ... keep a copy of the txt & if he does anything of the sort again tell him in no uncertain terms that it is sexual harassment & you will take it further. Throw Harvey Weinstein & 'Me Too' into the 'banter' next time....he might think twice.

DO THIS

No one is defending the CEO. All we are saying is that OP will be on the short end of the stick if she files a complaint, and she should consider that in making a decision. She could be left in place for a bit, then declared redundant, particularly in this economic climate.

Do people on here not get that there is recourse in law for this sleezy unwelcomed behaviour. Women should not have to be silent because they have zero confidence they will be heard. And wouldn't it be great if she were "made redundant", well what a coincidence that would be! If she fails to act now, there could be criticism levelled against her that she didn't mind his behaviour, so it's strike while iron is hot, and shame him.

Men have been allowed to behave in the workplace like this forever and get away with it, there is a law in place to prevent this, so in her position, and with unassailable evidence in the form of a text to her personal phone without her permission (when she didn't even give him her number), it is important to take it seriously. Any retaliation by him or the company against her such as compromising her ability to progress based on her ability to do the job (as opposed to the fact she complained about unwanted attention) there is normally a clause within the company's policy to address that eg Bullying and Harrassment Policy.

I still maintain she should take it through the formal channels, with a grievance and if they fail to act, lodge a Tribunal claim against the company, with him as the primary focus of her claim. This isn't about money, it's everyday sexism gone too far. He just casually thought he'd have a bit of fun, but it's unwelcomed and the OP should not have to put up with it in a professional environment where the balance of power is 100% in that man's favour.

Throw Harvey Weinstein & 'Me Too' into the 'banter' next time....he might think twice.

She shouldn't even have to engage with him at this level. This is like poking a hornets nest.

Some of this advice is truly shocking.

If you want to bring a tribunal claim, you have three months to do so since the act (or last act in a chain of acts). So don’t wait too long (for new job, grievance procedure etc).

@TinaTurnoff

I’d reply by email saying ‘dear boss, I refer to your text message (*screenshot below*).

I am happy to carry out the tasks requested.

I am replying by email in order to keep our correspondence thread clear, as I don’t wish to receive work related messages to my private phone.

I Am embarrassed and uncomfortable with your comments on my appearance, and ask you not to make such comments again.’

This seems the most sensible approach so far.

In all honesty OP the HR dept are not going to wobble the CEO's throne. Nobody is for an office manager. So be careful. HR are there to ensure the company achieves what it needs to, THEY ARE NOT A UNION. I repeat... THEY ARE NOT A UNION.

... tho obviously the CEO isn't goung to have a LM.

I think that the important thing here is that he has somehow got hold of her personal number. As a PP has said that is breaking GDPR. I think you do need to document that somehow, either by replying from your work email saying something along the lines of 'I don't know how you got it but don't use my personal number again' (I like the screenshot suggested above) or possibly talking to HR and saying 'a colleague who I've not shared my private number with somehow got hold of it, you maybe need to check our procedures to ensure that can't happen again' (they are likely to want to know who though). If you are a sizeable organisation is there a Whistleblowing procedure? Focus on the obtaining of your number, the comments on your appearance are too easily dismissed as banter at the moment.

@fleabagismyspiritanimal if it was me, I would reply with an exclamation mark. Just that. It denotes shock and surprise but leaves your CEO’s dignity intact. Which is a shit thing to have to say but as CEO if he wants you moved out because of his embarrassment he can 🙁

Go to HR that is ABSOLUTELY unacceptable OP.

You can defo get a pay out out for this. It you want to leave. Speak to an employment lawyer/ CAB/Union.

He’s the CEO, and while that’s inappropriate it’s not an outright sacking offence, especially since you seem to have gone along with similar jokes over email/in person, so he’ll say it was just banter.

So realistically I wouldn’t complain or directly challenge him on it: even if people agree with you, and even if he apologises, you won’t “win” in any sense.

I’d ignore the flirty bit. Just reply saying furloughs been fine thanks, will be good to get back to work.

Once you’re there, be professional but distant. Any comments like that, respond with a frown or raised eyebrow, or sort of pointedly ignore them.

Hopefully he’s just a bit of an idiot and will back off once he realises you’re unimpressed.

But in case of any other issues - keep a detailed record of anything inappropriate and of your interactions with him.
@dinobots

^^ this. You will never "win" as in itself it's not sackable. Ignore for now but keep a detailed log of other inappropriate behaviour. Use this as evidence if the situation escalates

Don't answer on your phone, email on Monday only referencing the work related stuff. Stop allowing him to use you as his PA ("sorry, I don't have room in my schedule for anything outside my brief any more"). And yes, don't wear the pigtails any more. That in itself will send a message. If he asks why you're not, tell him that they caused inappropriate comments that you found sleazy.

And despite what others have said, I honestly have never been in a professional environment where an adult woman has worn pigtails. So I don't think it should beseen as a huge loss and something you shouldn't be asked to do. If anyone was mentoring a young woman in a professional workplace would you suggest they wore pigtails to appear professional?