Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate

Yes and you do that by saying “step mum” or “mum”. That’s how you differentiate between the two. No-one is going to see the word “mum” and think “I don’t know who they mean, they need to add another identifier.”

Your Mother is your Mother, and she will be that even after she dies. A step , however kind and loving, could cease to have a relationship with a child at any point, if her relationship with the child’s father ended.
They are two completely different things. As a step you are not the mother, using “bio” is incredibly offensive, and suggests you see the roles as equal, when they are not.

Oh you're a goady one OP and that's quite clear!

Not much to add on what's already been said. The word mother and father have several meanings nowadays. You can be a mother in a biological sense, in a legal sense, and sometimes, but much less commonly, in a social sense. Most mothers are all 3. But as others have mentioned, an adopted child will have both a legal and a biological mother. A child who has been abandoned by their biological mother and raised exclusively by their step mother (very rare) may think of the stepmum as their mother socially, even if she isn't legally or biologically. So these terms are useful when a child can be meaningfully said to have 2 mothers, and you need to distinguish between them. This is not the case for your average step mother. The average step mother is none of these things. She is not any type of mother to the child. She is the wife of their father, maybe a good and involved one, but still not a mother. Not biologically, not legally, not socially. If the dad has residency and the mum is not involved then she may play the role socially, but if the mum is involved then she is no kind of mother. So to use "bio mum" as if the child has 2 mothers, both equal in importance, one biological and one step, is both utter bollocks and highly offensive. My step mother is fine, she's been in my life for about 25 years now and we get on fine, but in no sense is she any kind of mother to me. If she had tried to suggest at any point that she was equal to my mum I think I would have stopped seeing her and my dad.

I'm on loads of step parenting Facebook groups and use bm frequently. Usually hcbm ( high conflict birth mother) actually 😬

Is there also a hcsm acronym @chubbyhotchoc?

You said this wasn't supposed to be goady, but it sure as hell is coming across that way!

I knew this would turn into a goady poster one. Op has clearly come over from the step parenting forum for a bun fight. Don’t bite. Let her continue to play dumb.

@Smallsteps88 probably but that would be another fb group entirely I would guess,hun.

I mean, I find it odd because people don't tend to say "birth mother" in real life unless they're talking about adoption.

You don't generally say "my step mum and my birth mum" you say "my step mum and my mum".

I dont know, maybe when step parents use it on MN it sounds dismissive towards the mum.
I'm still with my son's dad, but I would find it really weird if someone called me "X's birth/bio mum". I'm just his mum. If we break up and he gets a stepmum, I dont need bio added to my title.

@Smallsteps88 I'm sure our hcbm would describe me like that. I'm not particularly bothered

I'd be 'high conflict' if my DCs step-mum started to refer to me a 'birth-mum'. She has no right to minimise my role to just biology.

And tbh, stepmums come and go. Nearly 70% of second marriages end in divorce, so of course SMs are lesser. They’re not round long enough to become that important in a child’s life.

I thought BM on the Facebook groups stands for “Baby Mamma”. 🤢

at ‘wedding husband’, I’m going to start using that!

It's very simple. Mother. Stepmother. People only have one mother. No idea why you would want to downgrade them, whatever the circumstances. Let's have a bit of respect for them as absolutely primary, key and not to be meddled with. We never stop hearing how non-resident fathers are 'still your Dad' however they've behaved so Mums are Mums. Simple surely.

@carltongirl - well my son has two mothers. People can have two. One is indeed BM, but he switches between referring to her as mum & first name. I came to parenting via adoption & as far as I know he only ever refers to me as mum, barring the odd obscenity in a row. Both she & are his mothers.

Adoption is completely different, then that is your child, you have complete legal responsibility for him or her, and you are the one Mothering. Using the term birth mother in that context makes sense.

of course SMs are lesser. They’re not round long enough to become that important in a child’s life.

ODFOD, I've been more consistent in my stepdaughters life than her mother, for over twenty years now. So to say step mothers are not around long enough to be important is pure shit. I have been there for all the milestones into adulthood, put up with teenage tantrums and repeated dramas / returning home after moving out, when her mother let her down very badly, choosing to favour the new husband and children over her struggling teenage daughter.
My step daughter hasn't spoken to her mother for years and whilst I've encouraged her to keep the door open, she has decided that her mum doesn't deserve to have her or her family in her life. Frankly I don't blame her, she deserves to be treated better than that.

Perhaps you could have written this instead?

Some step mothers aren't around long enough to be important

Of course a step mum is a lesser parent if a mum is still around, I’m sure many step parents are great but for the most part children will favour their biological parents, presuming they’re not awful human beings.

Birth Mum applies a child has been adopted.

*implies

So a step mum is a lesser mum than a birth mum?

Lolling at this statement

@feelingfragile. You've clearly done a great job but you're playing the NAMALT game.

There will always be exceptions and it sounds like your step kids' mum hasn't really stepped up and that is sad for them and difficult for you but she IS still their mum unless a) her kids denounce her or b) you adopt them. Otherwise, good or bad, she's still their mum whether you like it or not.

I'm sorry your stepdaughter has been let down by her mother. It seems so much less acceptable for mothers to desert or let down their kids than their fathers and we do judge women so much more harshly, it seems. It's good that she has you as a good mother figure and hopefully that will help her navigate her life having had you in it.

Yes a step mum is of course lesser than a (birth) mum!! HTH

What if the mother isn’t the bio mum? As in a couple who adopt?