Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

'Gosh the way step mums are spoken about on this forum is like they're some sort of second class species.

Mums don't need any further classification - just mum. A step mum needs that distinction.'

But they are second class in the child's life. They aren't lesser as a person or individual, but they are lesser in terms of relationship and significance to the child.

The mum (most likely, but not always in the case of adoption) grew, birthed, and (definitely) raised and nurtured the child and will probably always be there for them, SM came into their life at some point at no benefit to them really, just as the dads partner, and has an easy out whenever she wants or can be excluded from the child's life with no repercussions.

I agree with posters comparing it to woman vs trans woman. A woman is a defined thing on its own, a trans woman is a subset of that and so needs classifying as such. A mum is a defined thing on her own, a step mum fulfils a different role entirely and thus needs classifying as such but by the taking on of that role it does not dimish the mums role in any way and thus the term mum needs no added classifier.

Saw BM and though you meant bowel movement despite being a lurker a good four years and a member two so....

Thought

A woman is a defined thing on its own, a trans woman is a subset of that

Actually, a trans woman is a subset of man, not woman. Transwomen are people born male with male biology and anatomy. They are not a subset of women. Don’t believe the propaganda.

God, you sound like the stupidest goady fucker ever.

I’m a mum and a step mum. I love my step son and he loves me - but of course I come beneath his own mother, even if it’s only by the tiniest margin.

@missyoumuch as said by several posters that is when it is normal and fine to use the term birth/bio mum

That's the whole point actually, the reason people object to the term BM is directly because it is usually associated with a mother who is no longer caring for her child.

I'm surprised such obvious goady bollocks managed to rile people up for ten pages

playing the NAMALT game.

When someone states something incorrect as a fact I will play that 'game' because they're wrong.

If the poster had said some (which is accurate), I wouldn't have been pissed off. But when someone accuses all stepmothers of being transient in their stepkids lives I will challenge them because it's not true and frankly it's fucking insulting. Even the figures quoted by that poster on divorce rates are questionable but I won't go down that road too.

If someone posted that all women formula feed we'd have a flurry of people challenging that (rightly so), would they be playing the NAMALT game?

There will always be exceptions and it sounds like your step kids' mum hasn't really stepped up and that is sad for them and difficult for you but she IS still their mum unless a) her kids denounce her or b) you adopt them. Otherwise, good or bad, she's still their mum whether you like it or not.
Did you read the post? I have consistently encouraged her to maintain her relationship with her mum. She has (understandably) chosen not to. It's not difficult for me at all, other than seeing her upset. I had no intention of stepping into that role and no desire to but I was there for her when she needed consistency because I'm a human being who doesn't want to see another human being struggling. She's in her late thirties now, I can't adopt her, she did ask me to when she was an adult already and she calls me mum now but I would never have taken it upon myself to do that.

I'm sorry your stepdaughter has been let down by her mother. It seems so much less acceptable for mothers to desert or let down their kids than their fathers and we do judge women so much more harshly, it seems. It's good that she has you as a good mother figure and hopefully that will help her navigate her life having had you in it.
Why the comparison with fathers? It's literally got nothing to do with anything. My step daughter is an adult with her own family, she's an incredible woman and will continue to be, I'm sure. If she needs me I will always be there for her because I love her and I couldn't give a rat's arse whether she calls me mum, feelingfragile, step mother, dads wife or the Queen of Sheba.

Contrary to popular belief on this site, not all step mums are waiting in the wings to oust the mother out of a child's life. Some are, some aren't.

If someone makes incorrect assumptions about me because of my role, I will challenge it because it's out of order.

@CloudyVanilla agreed. My point was really that the person who is “mum” is not necessarily a bio- mum. It’s not appropriate for use in the context of step parenting at all. It’s about adoption or abandonment in most cases.

I would object if DH and I split up and his new partner was referring to me as the “bio” mum. I’m MUM.

Because just mum is fine.
In the same way that I dont want to be called cis-woman I dont want to be bio-mum

Bio mum had negative connotations, it's used alongside sperm donor to describe estranged parents/ dysfunctional family relationships, absent parents.

Because they aren’t a birth mum they are the mum. A birth mum is a mum who’s child has been adopted out.

^This exactly. I'm an adoptive mum and we use that term for our DDs' birth mum. Although we also refer to her by her first name.

My DSis is also an adoptive mum, but she's also got 2 natural DC (I hate the term 'bio mum' in this context as well) and she's also a stepmum. Her DSS only ever calls her by her first name whereas all 3 of her own DC all call her 'Mum'. That despite the fact that they're very close and she has a DGM role with his DC.

It's really not difficult to understand.

feelingfragile point taken. Should have said ‘some’. I’m a product of blended families, so I do speak from (very negative) experience when I contribute on step parenting issues. Stand by the percentage of failed second marriages though.

But there are also some very good second marriages; my DSis and her DH have that. So my experience is positive, but I can see that it takes a lot of work and for all the adults involved to want to make it work.

woman is a defined thing on its own, a trans woman is a subset of that

Not at all.

A transwoman is a subset of man.

@GabriellaMontez

I genuinely want to ask if the OP is thick or goady. Genuinely interested. Not being negative.

Not wanting to offend anybody with a personality disorder, but could having some sort of PD also be an explanation for not understanding things like this?

I recall a 2nd wife on here a few years ago not being able to accept being told by other posters that she was a second wife, and not her husband's first wife. She thought that meant she was a lesser person and she just could not accept the fact that she could be correctly termed the 2nd wife, even though her husband had been married before.

Maybe that poster was also a goady fucker, but she did genuinely not seem to be able to understand that it was a fair and accurate description. I wondered if having a personality order might help explain the lack of understanding?

I recall a 2nd wife on here a few years ago not being able to accept being told by other posters that she was a second wife, and not her husband's first wife.

Yes I remember that one! She was equating the terms "first" and "second" to rankings i.e. which of the women he'd been married to was more important, rather than as a statement of fact regarding the order in which they'd been married to him.

Personally I just think this particular OP is being goady.

I guess it is a derogatory term. I wouldn't use it in front of my step kids. I just say 'your mum' but I do use it on step family groups were I feel free to show my dislike. Mother or mum is a word that to me has positive connotations so I wouldn't use it to describe someone I don't like and don't respect.

I agree OP, it's semantics, but semantics are the new fashionable mean to act outraged. Ignore people actions and intentions, if they do use the correct languo, they can prepare themselves for the label, vbecause labeling is also the new faze!

@MyCatHatesEverybody

I recall a 2nd wife on here a few years ago not being able to accept being told by other posters that she was a second wife, and not her husband's first wife.

Yes I remember that one! She was equating the terms "first" and "second" to rankings i.e. which of the women he'd been married to was more important, rather than as a statement of fact regarding the order in which they'd been married to him.

Personally I just think this particular OP is being goady.

Oh god, yes I remember her too. That was nuts.

Goady, thick, stupid and a lesser person. What a lovely bunch of women you really are.

Yes a step mum is of course lesser than a (birth) mum!! HTH

Taking this comment ^ from @FlapAttack23 which didn't say anything else, it seems acceptable to intimidate, be cruel and downright offensive to step mums? The next minority group, after 100s of years of homophobia, racism, religious oppression, need I go on - it's still acceptable to pick on a group and publicly offend them just because they didn't complete the act of giving birth. Step mums are not lesser human beings than those who give birth. I'm done. Thanks.

They're not actually saying that. It isn't about giving birth, because we all accept that an adoptive mum is a real mum. I'm a mum to my DDs despite not giving birth to them, that's always completely accepted on any Mumsnet thread I've been on.

It's about being the mum that your child calls 'Mum', 'Mummy' etc.

They are actually saying that @Mittens030869. I quoted the PP word for word, there were no other parts of her message that explained she meant something else!!!

If they meant it was about the relationship with the child they would say that. I totally understand the relationship with the child is different, of course it is, it's about the perception of step mothers on here being a second class citizen!! In 2020! Unbelievable that anyone thinks anyone else is second class because they are different to them. Have the BLM protests completely passed you by? is it ok to be derogatory and unkind to a lesser stepmom??

You have picked the one post that backs up your agenda, and ignored all the others that explain it more accurately. What a surprise!

Shall we all just get the pom poms out and agree with you (even though its a load of rubbish)? Would that make you feel better?