Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

Because if you use it of a mother who is actually bringing up her children (albeit not all the time), you would have to have a real tin ear for connotations -- it's a term used to differentiate between this and a mother who has relinquished or had her child removed to care or adoption. It's derogatory when used of a mother who is raising her children.

To me, ‘birth mother’ implies somebody who gave birth but isn’t involved in the actual process of parenting (like in a situation where the baby is adopted). I think ‘mother’ and ‘stepmother’ are sufficient to distinguish between the relationships where the child’s mother is still their parent but they have a step mother also.

Most people aren't bothered by it but it's a stick used by a few to beat step mothers with.

Of course a step mum is lesser if the mother is around.

Gosh, what a narrow minded thing to say. What is the mother is around and the kids live with dad and step mum full time?

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage
I thought you said you didn’t want to be goady?

Because I've been hanging out on the feminist boards recently I'll draw this parallel.

It's like a trans woman calling a 'natural born' woman cis-woman. No, don't subclassify me, just call me a woman thank you.

Mums don't need any further classification - just mum. A step mum needs that distinction.

Why am I being goady, I'm just responding.

Well, 'birth mum' and 'bio mums' have associations with adoptions and surrogacy. The terms can be considered suggestive of a child being surrendered, unwanted or simply of a mother who birthed a child but then goes on to have little or no contact with that child.

There is no need to use the above terms when describing the mother of a child or children to differentiate between her and the Stepmother. Quite simply there is a mother and a stepmother. To use the above terms and actually lengthen the description of the mother (can't really use it as an excuse for making things easier or quicker to describe) can come across as derogatory towards the mother, particularly if used by the step mother.

There are a lot of mothers and stepmother on here who are already going through emotional and tough times with very beloved children after separation. Parenting and step parenting are really tough and using a phrase like this is unnecessary and whether used innocently or not can cause completely unnecessary hurt. Does that help?

Birth mum is a term used for a person who gave birth but hasn’t raised the child. So when it’s used by a step mum it’s obviously insulting

In terms of involvement and commitment I would assume (1) mother, (2) step mother, and (3) biological mother (ie. I have only seen this term used in the context adoption where the mother has no contact).

Never seen anyone kick off about it on here and I’m on here a lot. I didn’t even know what Bm stood for.

Thanks now I understand why it might be insulting if it's genuinely been used to imply a mum who gave birth but then had nothing to do with the child. I have never thought of it in that way just genuinely that a bio or birth mum is a mum who gave birth to the child when a step parent is involved also.

Also lots of kids live with their mum and step dad the majority of the time after the parents split up and meet other people and so the step dad on a day to day basis may be a lot more involved with the step kids but that still doesn't make him their dad. It is more unusual the other way round but a step parent is still a step parent/ it doesn't mean that's a negative though it's just how it is

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Of course a step mum is lesser if the mother is around.

Gosh, what a narrow minded thing to say. What is the mother is around and the kids live with dad and step mum full time?

Assuming I’ve read this right (as the question doesn’t quite make sense), the child’s mother will be there for her child forever. The step mother could split from the dad and have no involvement ever again.

People never say biological dad unless they’re referring to a man who gave his sperm but nothing more. It’s often used when a stepdad is so involved and has taken on the role of mum. The same should be said for women. Why should a woman who birthed and continues to care for that child be called anything other than mum?

Because just like women an extra word is not needed in front to describe the biology behind it.

A step mum not the biological so step is added. A biological mum is just a mum because she had the baby.

Adoption is different as you legally take on the role of the mum/dad. A step parent calling the biological a birth mum/dad is just trying to be disrespectful and make the actual parent look less than they are.

So a step mum is a lesser mum than a birth mum?

Of course they are

*taken on the role of dad - that’s obviously what I meant to say. 🤦‍♀️

I've only ever seen BM used as a shorthand for bowel movement so I'd guess one reason it is not used is because it would cause mass confusion.

Plus of course the term is mother.

I think “Birth Mother” implies that that is a person who gave birth to a child, but someone else is somehow the doing the actual “mothering” of the child.

This would only really apply where a baby has been given up for adoption, or surrogacy.

If a woman has given birth to a baby and still parents the child, then they are the child’s “Mother” plain and simple. No further clarification is needed.

If the parents of the child split up and the father remarried, then his new wife is the child’s “stepmother.” Not the child’s mother.

Calling someone a “birth mother” makes it sound like someone else is the actual mother. And in the situation described above, that is definitely not the case.

’I have never thought of it in that way.’

Try Googling birth mother and look at the results. That’s the established meaning.

Gosh the way step mums are spoken about on this forum is like they're some sort of second class species.

Mums don't need any further classification - just mum. A step mum needs that distinction.

Look, you're still "lesser" even if their dad is the resident parent.

If you separate then he'll still be resident parent, their mum will still be their mum and you'll just be dads ex.

And I'm a step mum. And I've been a step mum before and the child lived with us.

We were close, we're still in touch. I'm just dads ex/bubble though at the end of the day now she's an adult.

Look, you're still "lesser" even if their dad is the resident parent.

Gosh you're nice @bubbleup. So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

I will ask again are you a step mum?