Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

Well, sometimes it does actually. There are plenty of people who say their step dad is their 'dad' even if they didn't conceive them, plenty who refer to the step dad as just 'Dad', ask them to walk them down the aisle, etc.

But it is the CHILDREN making that decision. Not an adult with a chip.

[quote GreyHairBigKnickers]@JoanJettPack I can tell you now, my kids still talk about & love/miss their dad's long term live-in girlfriend from a few years ago, I never met her but my kids loved her and she really loved them. His new wife has destroyed their relationship.[/quote]
Is there any reason why your DC can't have a relationship with their dad's ex? If they all care for each other, then there's nothing stopping you making contact.

If the new wife complains about this, then she can do one. A child can never have too many people in their lives who love them.

I still have contact with some good friends of my parents, who we used to refer to as "auntie" or "uncle" when I was a child (I'm in my 50s now). They are lovely people, so I visit them sometimes (COVID excepting).

Skids is vile.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’ve read enough to form an opinion. I am a childless. My DP has two children. I have known them for well over a decade (they are young adults).
I would never insult their mum by calling her ‘BM’ because she’s their mum and there’s no reason to use the B to refer to her. If they had been adopted or if they considered another person to be their mum then that would be different.
However, I think that step mothers are (generally) given a very rough time on this board sometimes deservedly but often not.
My DPs children do not feel comfortable referring to me as their step mum so I don’t give myself that label. This is because their mum has always seen me as ‘just dad’s girlfriend’. The reality is that I should have been much more than that. I could have been another adult in their life caring for them, supporting them and loving them (like a close friend or relative NOT a mum). That was never really allowed to happen because from the start the girls were conditioned to detach from me.
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to pack your kids off each weekend to their dad’s knowing that there’s another woman caring for them BUT I think many parents do their children a disservice by not accepting that most step-parents (resident and non resident) are so so much more than just their exes partner. A good step parent can be a real bonus to everyone, after all, it takes a village (not just a mum).

So a step mum is a lesser mum than a birth mum?

In this context, of course. There is also no need to add the 'bio'. That's just to make you feel a little more important.

You really need to get a grip OP. You've been told why there is no need to use 'bio' so what else is there to say? 🤷

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

Well, sometimes it does actually. There are plenty of people who say their step dad is their 'dad' even if they didn't conceive them, plenty who refer to the step dad as just 'Dad', ask them to walk them down the aisle, etc.

But it is the CHILDREN making that decision. Not an adult with a chip.

So what? The point is that step-parents are sometimes loved as much as the actual (biological/birth!) parents.

The point is that step-parents are sometimes loved as much as the actual (biological/birth!) parents
Fixed it for you.

No, that's not actually the point and I suspect you know that.

CJ - not the point of the whole thread, the point of the discussion I was having with the other poster. For some children/adult children, their step-parents are not lesser.

It's a lot more common for kids to develop close relationships with their stepdads, because there are so many fathers who disappear from their DCs' lives. Whereas mothers are usually the main carers, or they retain a strong bond with them. My DSis has a close bond with her DSS, but he calls her by her first name as he's still close to his mum.

For some children/adult children, their step-parents are not lesser
But they'll always be 'step' which makes adding 'bio' or 'birth' in front of mother unnecessary. It doesn't elevate the step-parent they way they want it to and looks a bit desperate tbh.

BM is bowel movement. Bio mother birth mother is one that has given birth but is no longer involved, or the one that has given birth in a lesbian relationship.

I am my child's mum. My ex's new wife is the step-mum, who is not a replacement of me. I'd find it offensive and upsetting to be referred to as bio/birth mother as my part in my child's life is more than just giving birth.

So what? The point is that step-parents are sometimes loved as much as the actual (biological/birth!) parents.

But thats not the point is it. Whether or not they are loved more, the children still have a mum and the stepmum is still the stepmum.

it seems acceptable to intimidate, be cruel and downright offensive to step mums?

So your adult response is to seek to diminish the role of ‘mum’?

I don't do motherly duties for skids and they aren't neglected

Would you refer to your own children in such terms?

it's still acceptable to pick on a group and publicly offend them just because they didn't complete the act of giving birth. Step mums are not lesser human beings than those who give birth. I'm done. Thanks

Nobody said you’re a lesser human being, you clearly define you’re importance in regard to your relationship with someone else’s children.

You could say I’m friends with Bob, Bob is married, so he views me as an lesser human being’ than his wife? It’s not less it’s different - and bloody obvious

OP you are deliberately 'misunderstanding' what people are saying for an argument

I refer to my son's birth mum as his birth mum. She is not his legal , mum I am. She did no lesser his mum than I am without her he would not be in my life. It helps him to know how we are both related to him.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Goady, thick, stupid and a lesser person. What a lovely bunch of women you really are.

Yes a step mum is of course lesser than a (birth) mum!! HTH

Taking this comment ^ from @FlapAttack23 which didn't say anything else, it seems acceptable to intimidate, be cruel and downright offensive to step mums? The next minority group, after 100s of years of homophobia, racism, religious oppression, need I go on - it's still acceptable to pick on a group and publicly offend them just because they didn't complete the act of giving birth. Step mums are not lesser human beings than those who give birth. I'm done. Thanks.

Jesus christ, now I just think your being deliberately obtuse

When you give birth and your partner leaves you for someone else, come back and tell us how you feel being called bio/birth mother. The title given to women who give their children up for adoption.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

I am a step parent and Iv never understood why Its a thing to add a label to a parent who has always been there I needed a label because I was new and needed a descriptive term (that wasn't my name) they could use in conversation

Because it takes away something from the person even if it's not meant to. It adds a label that isn't needed.

There is no reason to say bio or birth before mum because that label isn't the one that needs qualified. It's been the term since birth.
Once a new person arrives then it needs something added to separate and qualify so they can be told apart.
Of course there are exceptions like in cases of adoption or if one parent has been absent for a long time and the child chooses to change the terminology they use.
The descriptive label gets added when you add people to your family later in life too but it wouldn't affect the term used for people who were there before.

Mum
Step mum
Mother in law

Dad
Stepdad.
Father in law

Sister
Stepsister
Half sister
Sister in law

Brother
Stepbrother
Half brother
Brother in law

I suppose at a stretch it's similar to one reason the trans debate upsets some people. Women have always been women they don't want or need cis added to their descriptive term just because someone later needs to use a term too.

Woman
Trans woman
Man
trans man

All the term used are just as important as the other, none of them mean one means less than the me next it's just a way to separate them for descriptive purposes when you are in conversation.

I have a sister who I grew up with from the day she was born. I also have a step sister I met in my late teens when my dad remarried. Should my sister be referred to as my “birth sister” from then on? Because that makes about as much sense as turning mothers suddenly into “birth mothers” which only makes sense in the context of lesbian couples or adoption. I have a sister and a step sister, that is descriptive enough. Also, I like my step sister far more and we’re closer these days - still doesn’t make my sister a “birth sister”

Just for the record.

im not going into it as it's not relevant to the thread but their mum was emotionally abusive towards her children and chose a partner who was physically abusive towards them so there have been some very very complicated issues over the years. (All years ago now though)

I have made very sure that they knew I loved them as much as if they had been my own children and I would always be there for them but I respected they had a mother and I would never ever take their mums place and that I know my place on the pecking order (even when I was doing the brunt of the work.)
I always showed that I respected that they had someone who was their mum and I as much as I love them would no infact could never take their mums place and would never try but I would always be there for them because I loved them.

I am stepmum I will never usurp the label mum, as far as my (now adult) stepchildren are concerned according to them I am emotionally speaking their mum (and I accept and am pleased their wish to use that if they want to) but even then I still am carful about the descriptive language I use. If I'm talking about her I always say your/their mum.

It my place to take an extra term not hers even when I'm the one who they know is the one they can rely on.

They have me
they have their mum.

They can call her birth or bio etc mum if they want but it is absolutely not my right to place tobadd those term to her.

You have been told this MANY times OP: my DC have their dad ( my exH) whi is very involved in their lives (2/3 days a week with him) and we discuss together all aspects of the DCs lives- make joint decisions. My now DH is their step-dad for the last 10 years and lives with them 4/5 days a week. He is wonderful with them- supports/ teaches/ loves and cares for them BUT he is not their dad, they already have one. They have complimentary but different roles. It's not difficult to understand.

I'm not his birth mother, but I'm definitely his mother, and the only one he's got, so it wouldn't make any sense in my case