Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

No it isn't okay to be rude. My DSis is a brilliant stepmum to her DSS. But she isn't his mum, whereas she is mum to her adopted DS.

My point was that it isn't about blood, it's about who a child sees as 'Mum', and in the vast majority of cases it isn't the stepmum.

That post you quoted wasn't kind, but you invited a strong response with your opening post about the term birth/bio mum. It was bound to attract a strong reaction. It's a term that really should only be used in the context of adoption, where it's simply stating a plain fact.

it seems acceptable to intimidate, be cruel and downright offensive to step mums? The next minority group, after 100s of years of homophobia, racism, religious oppression, need I go on - it's still acceptable to pick on a group and publicly offend them just because they didn't complete the act of giving birth. Step mums are not lesser human beings than those who give birth. I'm done. Thanks.

I’m a step mum and I think you are talking shit.

Marrying a man with a child does not make you a protected characteristic, you could choose not to marry him, for starters.

Wouldyougivemeamortgage

You are being deliberately obtuse and Grady.

Everyone is telling you that the stepmom is not a lesser person.

But you persist with the deliberate interpretation.

When people say lesser , you add ( in your head) “person” when they actually mean lesser mum.

it's still acceptable to pick on a group and publicly offend them just because they didn't complete the act of giving birth.

You were addressing me with that post, which was a really poor choice seeing as I didn't give birth to my DDs, they're adopted. So it isn't about giving birth in my case, is it? It's about who is 'Mum' to the child.

Grady = goady

'Step mums are not lesser human beings than those who give birth*'
*
Literally NO ONE said this, apart from you.

Sorry you had a rough time in your blended family @livelovebehappy

Re divorce statistics, there is evidence for both scenarios...
(Just from a quick google search)

Second marriages less likely to end in divorce:
www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/divorce/10024582/Second-marriages-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce.html

www.relate.org.uk/sites/default/files/separation-divorce-factsheet-jan2014.pdf

Second marriages more likely to end in divorce:

www.northamptoncouplestherapy.com/blog/understanding-the-second-marriage-divorce-rate

The 70% figure (where I've seen it documented) is rounded up from 67%, the same article says that 59% of first marriages end in divorce, so the difference is less than 10% - sobering figures.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Get a grip! Are you really saying that being a stepmum is a protected characteristic?

Yes they're judged and looked down on but there's hardly the years of institutionalised discrimination and disadvantage people in one of those groups is exposed to.

Also, you can choose not to get married 🙄

Most posters who use BM do so to clarify she is refering to their mum and not their stepmum. It's never been it very rarely been to insult the mother.

Yet even after apologising for the wrong choice of word and explaining that didn't mean to be derogatory, posters continue to jump at it and insult her.

It's ridiculous. What makes me laugh every time it happens is the fact that the use of BM in French forums refers to the step-mum. Oh and I wonder if they have similar arguement because BM is Belle-mère, ie. beautiful mother and isn't it wrong to refer to them as such because beauty is only in the eye of the beholder? Oh the irony 😁

Please tell me you are not comparing people saying a step mum isn't the same to to a child as their mum, with being on the same lever as racism and homophobia!

You say in your first post you're not trying to be goady, but bloody hell your doing a good job of being goady.

I haven’t RTFT, so someone might have already said this.

“Birth mother” refers to a mother whose child has been adopted.

Adoption can be a massively emotive subject for all the people on both sides- the birth parents, the adoptive parents and the children involved.

So it’s both factually incorrect to use it in the way you have tried to and it’s also offensive to people who have been adopted or who have had their DC adopted.

Have a bit of respect.

If you had a baby now, and you and your partner split up and he got a new GF, would you like to be referred to by the term that implies you just gave birth and then had no further role in your baby’s life? Would that not make you think the new GF was an awful fool? And jealous of you? And insecure?

I don’t have any “stepmum” situation in my life but I do have adoption in my family and honestly, using BM in your situation is immature in the extreme and makes it clear that you have an agenda.

This is a mad. Saying a step mother is a lesser role in child's life than their mum is not demeaning any individual, its characterising the role as lesser.

I am my kids mum.

Only me. Over my dead body does any future wife of DH get to assume a role anywhere near as important as mine.

A step mother is a different role. Plain and simple. They can be a wonderful care giver, friend, confidant, champion.

But generally, they are not mum.

It's so funny that so many are so precious about the word mum and want to make sure that step mothers have a lesser role yet when step mothers post saying they don't want to do x y or z for their step kids everyone comes out in force. I've seen step mothers ranted at about their responsibilities and mumsnetters expecting her to cook, clean and care for the kids like their her own. You can't have it both ways! Personally I don't want any kids other than my own to call me anything with the word mother in.

You can't have it both ways
Of course you bloody can. You can absolutely expect the stepmum to be called the stepmum and still not neglect the children in her care.

The mother is just that, the childs mother.

A stepmother, even an excellent one, with a bit of a crap actual mother, is a STEPmother. Never a mother. They can be a brilliant, positive force - I like my ex husbands girlfriend far more than him, her parenting of my children is better than his - but despite this, at no point do they become the childs mother; that role is taken already.

Saying BM, or birth mother, tries to take away the mothers role. She is the mother - not a birth mother, just 'mother'. It suggests the stepmother could be the mother also, when it's not the case. She can be a fabulous woman, do everything for the child, but while the childs mother is alive, there is no vacant role. Only one mother and no distinction between the two needed.

You’re already differentiating?

Step mum. Mum.

Different.

This is really quite easy to grasp.

Because a step mother is just that, a step mother, the children have a mother so have the respect to call her so.

I actually don't think the OP is actually reading what some of us are saying. She keeps repeating that a stepmum isn't a lesser person because she hasn't given birth, not taking in the fact that quite obviously an adoptive mum hasn't given birth to her child.

It's about the role of 'Mum', not about giving birth or not.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn
Not in my house. I don't do motherly duties for skids and they aren't neglected. They have parents to tend to their needs.

Sorry havent RTFT but isnt it just instead of having to type Mum or Mother? Does M work? Everyone in the family unit seems to have a two or three letter acronym on here and some are not wholly accurate eg DP when the guy is an arse, and is hardly dear!

How about RM as in real mum? Or CM as in child's/children's Mum? To me it's just an easy of use/typing thing like the other ones and isn't saying anything bad or good. But I'm neither so not qualified to say how other people feel about this.

Not in my house. I don't do motherly duties for skids and they aren't neglected. They have parents to tend to their needs. and thats absolutely fine. You can absolutely expect their bio-dad to be the one caring for his children. You will fine me on any lazy biodad post from a stepmum firmly telling her to tell him to do one and look after his children. It is absolutely not the stepmums responsibility if he is there. But if the biodad and stepmum do decide to share the load with the children, she is still stepmum.

Im going to be referring to dads as biodad on all threads for the next week and see how many people point it out in annoyance

Its DM - darling mum

And how is two letters that much easier than three? Dm doesnt save much Time from typing mum at all. If people are that lazy they could write about their step kids ma.

"so the step dad on a day to day basis may be a lot more involved with the step kids but that still doesn't make him their dad."

Well, sometimes it does actually. There are plenty of people who say their step dad is their 'dad' even if they didn't conceive them, plenty who refer to the step dad as just 'Dad', ask them to walk them down the aisle, etc.