Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

Silly op

Any stepmother that refers to the mum as the bm is insecure at best, bitter and spiteful at worst. Its merely an attempt to diminish the mum and big up their own part. Sad really.

Of course a step mother is lesser. Not a lesser human but a less important position with regard to the child but then you know this of course.

I've seen step mothers ranted at about their responsibilities and mumsnetters expecting her to cook, clean and care for the kids like their her own
I've never seen a thread where a mum wrote she expected the SM to do all those things. Expected Thatcher kids are getting decent meals, cared and looked after properly, yes, but not that this was 3xo4cted specifically of the SMs.

Most mums actually want this of their ex but have known them long enough to know that they are deficient in that area and will always rely on the woman in their life to do it on his behalf.

And the issue of differentiating mum and SM is not always so straight forward.

My mum loves abroad whereas my dad and SM live only 1h away. We therefore the latter more often and my OH sees her more as my mother rather than my mum. He has more than once said 'your mum....' refering to my SM or the other way, I'll say 'my mum said...' and he'll get confused thinking I meant my SM. I do sometimes jokingly say 'no, the one who gave birth to me' because ultimately, that's the quickest way to differentiate them. So it's not always so straight forward.

dontdisturbmenow

Why don’t you refer to her by her name then if your husband is incapable of differentiating a relationship?

That’s a DH issue not a SM issue

Birth mother is someone who conceived and carried a child, gave birth and put their child up for adoption etc.

If you are a mother living with your biological children then you are a mother. Plain and simple.

I think people find it offensive as it implies you gave birth to your kids but dont do much else for them!

I think that a step-parent step-child relationship can be really positive and profound. Im really close to my stepdaughter and we have a great relationship. Equally Im really really glad that my DCs stepmum is a fantastic parent to them. It is (or at least can be) a parental relationship. It doesn't negate my relationship with my DCs or my stepdaughter and her mum's relationship. Its different but it's still meaningful and important.

Its not all about who gave birth or biological connections either. Im a non-bio mum of 2 children. I was there from the start (from before actually as I was at the fertility clinic when my ex wife conceived). I am my DCs mum, alongsidetheir bio-mum, 2 parents together. Birth mum is adoption terminology though and definitely not the right terminology (imo) in the context given by the OP. Having said all that, every family is different. As long as the children are at the centre and their needs put first isn't that what matters most?

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m very surprised by people saying they haven’t seen this issue cause massive ugly kick offs on here, they’re pretty common in certain places.

I’m a mum and a step mum. I refer to my DSC mum as their mum. I wouldn’t be offended to be called my DD’s birth mother in context. BM and SM are common acronyms on every other forum I’ve seen, it’s only on Mumsnet that people get outraged and offended and start banging on about adoption. It’s a shame when posters come to this site for the first time using normal terminology for most other forums and get torn to shreds. It’s petty and unnecessary.

This. I'm surprised it's so offensive. Had I not read this thread and seen the numerous outraged responses when this term is used, there's a chance I'd have innocently used it myself as a newbie as a way of differentiating mum and stepmum. And I hold both of those roles and would in no way be offended or feel that someone was implying I had less of an active role in my child's life because they prefixed it with "bio". How odd.

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’m very surprised by people saying they haven’t seen this issue cause massive ugly kick offs on here, they’re pretty common in certain places.

I’m a mum and a step mum. I refer to my DSC mum as their mum. I wouldn’t be offended to be called my DD’s birth mother in context. BM and SM are common acronyms on every other forum I’ve seen, it’s only on Mumsnet that people get outraged and offended and start banging on about adoption. It’s a shame when posters come to this site for the first time using normal terminology for most other forums and get torn to shreds. It’s petty and unnecessary.

This. I'm surprised it's so offensive. Had I not read this thread and seen the numerous outraged responses when this term is used, there's a chance I'd have innocently used it myself as a newbie as a way of differentiating mum and stepmum. And I hold both of those roles and would in no way be offended or feel that someone was implying I had less of an active role in my child's life because they prefixed it with "bio". How odd.

I'm giving up after 10 pages.

The OP clearly just doesn't get it.

No one has said step parents are lesser people. How can you not see that, it's incredible.

@dontdisturbmenow

I agree OP, it's semantics, but semantics are the new fashionable mean to act outraged. Ignore people actions and intentions, if they do use the correct languo, they can prepare themselves for the label, vbecause labeling is also the new faze!

Absolutely agree. It's a person's intention that's important here. Like I said, had I not seen this I'd have probably innocently used the term not meaning too cause offence but in an attempt to differentiate mum / stepmum. Clearly on this particular forum it's a loaded term, whereas in real life, to me, it's just a statement of fact about who is the child's mother. "his shitty mother" = clearly offensive (and deliberately so); whereas "his bio mother" = statement of fact that he belongs biologically to her. I suppose your life situation and personal values and experiences will dictate how you feel about that term, like anything else!

Also.. why is there an assumption that "bio mum" means "mum that is now absent"? I'm my DD's bio mum because I carried and birthed her. And I've also raised her mostly by myself for almost 14 years. I'm both her bio mum and her main carer for all of her life: why are these things mutually exclusive? 🤔

It should be mum or step-mum, birth mother should be only where adoption has taken place, I think.

I’m a SM and refer to my DSDs Mum as her Mum because that’s what she is! But then I’ve never really been in a situation where I’ve had to differentiate - it’s different for every family. On days out etc people refer to me as Mum to my DSD and we don’t correct them, but people who are important in her life e.g friends, school staff, etc, know that she has a Mummy, Daddy, Stepmummy and Stepdaddy. Collectively as a blended family we all refer to her as “ours” as we all get on well. I think any terminology that works for the family is fine as long as it’s not being used offensively.