Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

There been a real power grab over language lately. Perfectly reasonable common nouns are being lumbered with unnecessary prefixes to unravel and make a farce of the material reality which was inherent and vital to the root word.

PP have explained the term is based in adoption and surrogacy.
Step parents can play a vital role in children's lives, they do not have legal ties with the dc such as parental responsibility. There is no implied financial responsibility in or out of the relationship with birth parent.
There would be no legal expectation that dc would continue to see step parent following a split with the parent.

To me bio-mum is the biological mother as opposed to the non-biological mother in a lesbian mums situation. But then i guess that's based on my own experience as a non-bio mum.

In such a case, I still wouldn't expect the mum who gave birth to be routinely referred to as such - assuming the child wasn't from a previous relationship - on a routine basis. Obviously, in a medical setting or when the pregnancy/genetic relationship is significant; but in everyday speak, I'd assume the child would use two variations of mum - Mum & Mummy, Mom & Mama - or Mummy Jane & Mummy Carol.

'Biological/birth-mum' is a loaded term that clearly suggests your maternal role in that person's life is finished or greatly diminished and you've now been replaced by a more suitable or committed mother-figure.

If you haven't read examples of where this is happening there's a good one on the step parenting forum right now.

A quick view of the thread the OP references, in which her answer to 'What do you like about being a step-mum?" is 'Absolutely nothing', probably throws some light on where this is going...

You'd just say mum if you were the mum and step mum if the step mum, both common words we all understand. Birth mum or bio mum just makes me think of either the mother of a child who has been adopted and isn't involved or if there's a lesbian couple you could be the birth mum (given birth) but it could be the other persons egg so they are the biological mum. That's my understanding of the terms anyway.

I’m very surprised by people saying they haven’t seen this issue cause massive ugly kick offs on here, they’re pretty common in certain places.

I’m a mum and a step mum. I refer to my DSC mum as their mum. I wouldn’t be offended to be called my DD’s birth mother in context. BM and SM are common acronyms on every other forum I’ve seen, it’s only on Mumsnet that people get outraged and offended and start banging on about adoption. It’s a shame when posters come to this site for the first time using normal terminology for most other forums and get torn to shreds. It’s petty and unnecessary.

Its clearly used in a derogatory way by step mother to lesser the mothers role. It's used in adoption and surrogacy purposes. You wouldn't refer to your own mother as this is my bio mother unless you were adopted. It's has the same derogatory meaning behind it as sperm donator or bio dad.

Also I've just reread your OP and noticed this:

just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

A mother doesn't just give birth though does she, for the vast majority of children their mother is their main care giver who nurtures their child from birth to adulthood and beyond.

You've literally in your OP already differentiated the two several times by saying mother and step mother. So why on earth would it need to be any clearer.

And why do you think becoming a step mother at any point in a child's life makes your equal to the role of mother to that family? That's the real question here.

It's a bit like being referred to as a cis woman IMO, there's no need for the prefix

I am not diminished by being referred to as stepmother to my husband's children (quite the opposite actually, as it implies an important relationship that may have some similarities to a mothering relationship - that's a pretty big accolade)

Exactly. It seems like an attempt to try and step on the mothers toes and cause problems which incidentally is very bad for those step children

Gosh, what a narrow minded thing to say. What is the mother is around and the kids live with dad and step mum full time?

Why did you not say bio-dad or birth dad?

@IsMiseMorag

If you haven't read examples of where this is happening there's a good one on the step parenting forum right now.

A quick view of the thread the OP references, in which her answer to 'What do you like about being a step-mum?" is 'Absolutely nothing', probably throws some light on where this is going...

Absolutely.and yet somehow she thinks she's equal to the mother?

Because to me it positions the roles of BM and SM to be relatively equal and they're not. There is The Mother - no other descriptor needed then the Step Mother where a descriptor is needed to clarify relationship to the child or children.

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

Talk about deliberately misunderstanding. In terms of mother, the step mother isn't the mother. They are the step mother. That's it. They may be good at looking after the child. Or they may not be. But the one thing they are not is the child's mother.

If we go to 'person who has birthed'. then we will have 'step person who has not birthed'.

So OP you dont like been a step mum?

'Step-mum' is by no means a negative term. You can be a brilliant, mutually-loved step-mum to the child, but you haven't replaced their mum. That was never your job. Both words have very clear meanings.

Calling your female parent 'Mum' and your male parent 'Dad' and never using those names interchangeably in no way diminishes your strength of feeling for either of them - they're just different descriptors for different people's roles in your life.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll - oh, sure, you're not going to use 'bio mum' every other sentence (though I do use it in casual conversation sometimes; it's relevant). But nor are you going to use step mum every other sentence, either? Mostly it'll be obvious from context which person is being referred to, and most children I know either call step-mums 'mum' or their first names, depending how close the relationship is.

What is the mother is around and the kids live with dad and step mum full time?

It's still the kid's mother. Some might extend a courtesy to marginalise her by calling her the "birth" mother but it is a way to negotiate a tricky relationship and it is not something that should be extended to all mother's.

People are upset by words is the answer. It makes sense if you are literally talking about the woman who gave birth to refer to her as the birth mother, people are just getting nerves hit by it I guess, I don't know why, mother, birth mother, all proud ways of saying motherhood.

You should be ashamed for stepping on other women by saying step mums are lesser to mums.

Put simply, without reference to the full range of circumstances that can exist:

Mum who is still around and parenting = mum, mother, maw etc

Woman who birthed a child but did not parent them (adoption usually, sometimes used in surrogacy) = BM

That’s what is generally accepted.

Most, but not all, step parent situations have a Step Mum, and a Mum involved, with the Mum being the primary mother figure.

Surely you can see by the definitions above, that referring to that Mum as a Birth Mum is insulting and reductionist? Similar to referring to a committed father as a sperm donor when a step father comes on the scene.

If anyone needs differentiated it's the step parent. Which is exactly why "step" is included in the name. A lot like trans people are "trans" and not simply "woman" or "man".

And btw, I really don't think bio mum in the least 'suggests your maternal role in that person's life is finished or greatly diminished'.

I can see at a pinch how someone mean could use it that way, but I really don't think it is the default.

I’m a step mum and I just call my step daughters mum ‘Jane’ or ‘Lucy’s mum’ (not their real names obviously) I think if my sons dad and his girlfriend had any involvement in his life and she chose to call me my sons birth mum I would be furious. I am his mother and that’s final.

’Step-mum' is by no means a negative term.’

Agreed. That’s why you need to add ‘wicked’ in the fairy tales. It’s not a given.