Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

Mother is fine as it is. It doesn’t need the extra description.

Yes, no harm has come from dicking around with words and crowbarring bullshit between women and the material basis of the words that describe them.

I haven't rtft but I think it's just another thing they can bash step mums over. I've read threads where the op has stated they are new here and go on to explain their predicament using the term BM and have just been roasted for using that term. No advice given in response to the post, just reply after reply of "how dare you", "you sound vile", "how rude" etc... 🙄

Ooh weird, OP got her arse handed to her on a plate and then mysteriously disappeared. Note the name peeps, I think we have a GF.

@LiquoricePickle

I thought you meant bowel movement...

Me too.

Surely in this situation Mum is all that is needed.

if you are assuming a child has for instance a mum who lives with step dad and a dad who lives with step mum ( whether married or not) it doesn't matter who is main carer whether they are 50/50 or just EOW with one set
the people on the birth certificate are mum and Dad and the others are Step mum and step Dad
where a child is no longer in contact with either one or both parents because of adoption or long term foster care in tha case biological or birth mother / father could be used to distinguish from adoptive parents ( now mum and dad)
but to me Birth / biological mother implies that the person who gave birth to child is no longer in child's life and the child may or may not know who exactly they are either they were a surrogate mother or chose to give child up for adoption or were forced to
To refer to the child's ( biological) mother who they live with or see regulary as birth mother rather than mum is insulting and in a way lessens her as just a receptacle that physically gave birth to a child worse terms are sometimes used to describe surrogate mother; I would see a step mum who referred to a child's mother who was active in a child's life as the birth mum as trying to put her down or implying that she was not as good a mum as she was at best and at worst being goady and insulting
and I would say exactly the say about someone using bio dad when he is actively involved in child's life even if EOW by agreeement

Some people find the term offensive and disrespectful. If you know that and choose to keep using it you’re going to deal with some angry people.

Bio Mum is also used as a term of abuse and rejection in parental alienation behaviour/domestic abuse. Seen in such phrases as 'You're not her mother, my latest girlfriend partner is her mother, you're just the person who gave birth to her' type of thing. It's the female oriented version of Sperm Donor, albeit with a considerably lesser incidence of deliberate abandonment.

No one is saying step mums are lesser human beings, but obviously they are less important to the child. I adore my step kids but I’m not their mum and obviously their mum is far more important to them, I don’t even compare. We have a lovely relationship but even if they lived here full time I’m not their mum, just a step Mum who they adore and who adores them. My dd has lived full time with me and DH for years, sees her dad once a month if she’s lucky. He’s still her dad not ‘birth dad’ and is still more important to her than her step dad who is the one helping take care of her on a daily basis. If we split up in the future he would just be other DDs dad to her, and although they would stay in touch to an extent through that connection, he’s not her dad and never will be. Her dad is her dad forever, despite him being a useless twat, and I will carry on working my ass off to keep that relationship between them, not write him off as her ‘birth dad’ as if he means nothing

I haven't seen any hate towards the term BM here.

I have seen questions asking why a Mum has been refereed to as BM rather than just Mum.

I've never seen rage towards it on here, but birth mother suggests there is another mother. Nope. Mother is fine, step mother is fine (appreciate it is different in terms of adoption).

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Gosh the way step mums are spoken about on this forum is like they're some sort of second class species.

Mums don't need any further classification - just mum. A step mum needs that distinction.

Your very triggered. Theres nothing offensive in what you have quoted at all. A step mother isnt the child mother !

Other PPs have talked about the issues around mother/birth mother. I think the words 'biological mother' is almost always misapplied and does not provide a distinction between birth and step-parent nor birth and adoptive parent as the care any category of parent gives to a child falls within the scope of 'biology'.

A mum is a woman with parental responsibility for her child. She will do the parenting alone, with the other parent, and/or a partner.

A mum is usually the biological/birth mother but she could be a mum by adoption and/or as the non-bio mum in a lesbian couple. I am not in this situation myself but I'd guess that lesbian couples refer to both as "mum" because they have an equal role in parenting their child, I would guess that they only specify birth / bio mum when necessary and relevant to the discussion.

In any other context when you talk about a "birth mum" or "bio mum", you are dismissing the mum's key parenting role and relegating her to just the woman who gave birth to the child and you are kind of dismissing her ongoing role as a mother.

In the vast majority of cases when a child has a mum and a step mum, the mum still does the vast majority of the mothering and it is wrong to "demote" her to birth mother.

In a minority of cases the mum might have no or little involvement, the child might live with dad and stepmum full time and therefore the stepmum might be fulfilling the mother role that the actual mum has abdicated or failed at. In that (rare) case i could understand calling her "birth mum".

I am not a stepmum btw, but I have both a mum and a stepmum and there has never been any question of calling either of them anything else!

And btw, I really don't think bio mum in the least 'suggests your maternal role in that person's life is finished or greatly diminished'.

I can see at a pinch how someone mean could use it that way, but I really don't think it is the default.

Obviously, it's different in the scenario of a lesbian couple where there are indeed two people taking a committed maternal role in the child's life; but I can't personally think of many scenarios where a person is only ever brought up by a heterosexual couple(s) when you'd feel the need to specify 'birth/bio mother'. Maybe in the case where a mother died tragically young and their father's new wife has been the only mother figure ever present for most of their life.

I have genuinely never heard the term birth mother used outside of adoption/surrogacy.
If you look it up in a dictionary - From Merriam-Webster, Definition of birth mother - the mother of a child when the child is born, specifically - a woman who gave birth to a child who has been adopted

In terms of a qualifier to differentiate between a mum and a step-mum - it's already there - you have step for the step-mum. Why would you need something else?

I'm sure there are lots of step-mums who are closer and more involved with their step-children than their mothers - not every mother is a good mother. But she is still the mother, unless she gives up her legal parental rights to her child - at that point she becomes the birth mum.
I can see why mothers who have NOT given up this right would be upset and object to the inference that they had. Particularly mothers who are good mothers and very much involved in their childs life - it suggests something that is not true.

"Bio dad" is just as bad (when the father is still involved, that is).

Your follow up comments demonstrate that you were being goady. Nobody inferred that step-parents were lesser human beings.
A lot of step-parents will also be mum and dad, as in our case, where we both have children from previous relationships.
Mum and dad don’t need qualifiers because they are primary relationships and their meaning has been established and understood for millennia and they are not ambiguous.

Do you use the terms birth leg or bio teeth to distinguish from the prosthetic variety? We use suffixes, affixes and qualifying adjectives to add additional information and we don’t need to with mum and dad.

My DH does far more with my dds than their father, that makes him a great step-dad and ex a shit father. He’s still their step-dad and Thundercunt is still dad.

Never heArd of that term unless talking about adopted children.

BM and SM are common acronyms on every other forum I’ve seen, it’s only on Mumsnet that people get outraged and offended and start banging on about adoption. It’s a shame when posters come to this site for the first time using normal terminology for most other forums and get torn to shreds. It’s petty and unnecessary.

I agree with this 100%. I've seen many examples where a first time poster on the step parenting section uses BM, someone explains it's not the done thing then OP apologises unreservedly, yet you still get post after post ripping into them.

I also 100% agree it's a dick move to continue to use BM after it's been pointed out as totally unnecessary, and I'm convinced this OP is either being deliberately goady or is in a bad place and lashing out.

It’s crystal clear to anyone that a child can have a mum (or dad) and a step mum (or dad). Even when typing online, you don’t need a prefix. We can figure it out. It’s not relevant to call an active, involved parent a bio or birth parent. I question why some step parents (of which I am one) become so defensive over it. It says a lot...

The reason birth or bio mum/dad is used when children are adopted is because there does need to be a differentiation. It’s predominantly for the child’s benefit though.

I am not a bio mother, I am the real mother. Does that explain it?

Here we go again. Can people just leave off with the 'real mother' bollocks.

I'm not a figment of my kids or anybody else's imagination. I'm their mum, not their imaginary mum. I didn't give birth to them but legally and in every meaningful sense of the word I am mum to my kids.

I don't like the step parent bashing on here because it tars all step parents with the same brush but this thread is a bit silly and doing the whole faux wide eyed "but but I don't undersssttttaaand " bit , which to be honest i find a little tacky.

The term birth mother is certainly colloquially used to denote a mother who has had her DC adopted or has less to do with them. If of course the step mother is one of the main carers as the DC are resident then it is fairly used.

However in general that is relatively unusual. I am a big proponent of blended families. I live in one as DP is not my DC father. I see first hand all the nights he gets up with them when unwell, he taught them to ride their first bikes, sits and does their homework. However their father is in their life. He would be the first to say it's different. They do not have two fathers ,they have a father and a step father . We talk about how great it is to have so many people who love them ...we don't bicker and fight over who is called what.....if this is a thing you've already got it wrong.

In my case I am the only female parent. Not to mention , unless you are the main care giver because I've sodded off or am unable to care for them, do not compare swanning in and playing house with the father the same thing as being a mother , with the early days where you lose your mind, with the fact that I am and take seriously that I am responsible for their education, their emotional health , every single moment that is a teaching opportunity, every moment I changed food type or breast feeding to increase weight , or sitting by my DC incubator praying they make it. Unless you are the main female carer then no you haven't earnt the term mother. I do believe often the step mum has very much earnt the moniker step mum but whether you like it or not it does need to be earnt and is not the same thing as mother. DP was not called step father for a long time. He says himself he wanted to show DC he was in it for the long haul , for the hard stuff , the less flashy bits. He showed that to all of us and the DC see him as a parent figure. He didn't believe that just because he was with me he had automatically earnt the title step father. Likewise i believe you lose the right to the term mother if you leave your children ,or abuse them or anything similar. These terms are not an automatic right. Earn them or go away.

I genuinely want to ask if the OP is thick or goady. Genuinely interested. Not being negative.

As an above pp that's my point , the real mother if that term ever has to be used is earnt , an adoptive mother is very very much a real mother. That is not comparable to a step mother.