Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

So a step mum is a lesser mum than a birth mum?

Well, yes if you want to put it like that. “Lesser” is a bit loaded, but a step mum is not a mum to their stepchild (assuming that their mum is on the scene in an active and positive way etc). The word “mum” or “mother” is enough. It doesn’t require any qualifying prefix at all. A stepmother occupies a different role, she does not share the role of mother. I can completely understand why a mother would be furious at the prospect of someone insisting that it’s necessary for her to have a prefix added to her title in order to differentiate her from her ex’s new wife in relation to her own kids. Can you genuinely not see how offensive that is? How far it oversteps the mark?

Of course the step is the lesser. Doesn’t matter be that a step dad or step mum.

Step parents have no legal rights or obligations to the child. If you want the respect of being the actual parent you need to adopt the child.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Gosh the way step mums are spoken about on this forum is like they're some sort of second class species.

Mums don't need any further classification - just mum. A step mum needs that distinction.

Again, assuming the child’s mother is involved, the stepmother is second to her. The stepmother has no parental responsibility and no obligation to that child. The mother does.

Stepmothers aren’t second class people and no one has once suggested that.

Why does it matter @vodkaredbullgirl?

Its a question about a term used on here. My personal experience is not part of the question.

All these posters saying a step mum is a lesser person?? Seriously, in the current climate, how can one human being seriously be considered lesser than another because they haven't given birth to a child?

I have a birth mum but i also have a mum, as in i was adopted. I see her as a mum and thats it, i know nothing about my birth mum.

My 2 dds dont see their dad or his g/f, so they dont class her as a step mum.

It's like cis-woman isn't it?

The mother is the mother, the mum, momma, mam, mom, mummy. That's her title. Birth-mother implies a subset of mothers, like the child has a range of mothers, they don't they have 1. An adopted child has a birth mother and a mother, a child with a step- mother has a step-mother and a mother. The mother stands alone - as the child mother! It's insulting to imply she is one of many, she is the one.

Does anyone ever use the term "birth father"? The only time I think I hear "biological father " is when he is absent.

Mum already implies birth mother. It doesn’t need the qualifier. In using it, it does tend to imply that there is a need to downgrade her from plain old mum.

I am not a bio mother, I am the real mother. Does that explain it?

I just don't understand why anyone, outside of an adoptive context, would even think to use birth or bio mum. In a stepfamily, the children have a mum and a stepmum. The step provides the differentiator required to clarify the relationship. There's literally never a need to qualify the mum part of it. Why would you want to?

It's completely different in adoption, obviously, because adoptive mothers are mum primarily. So you do need to apply a differentiator if you are discussing the woman who gave birth to the child. In that case you'd just use mum and birth/bio mum.

I am a stepmum, btw. And it still makes no sense to me.

They’re in a very odd position. They’re not a parent and don’t (usually) have parental responsibility and yet some can be as involved as a parent and some do more actual hands on parenting than the child’s father. They have a relationship with the child for as long as the relationship with that child’s parent lasts - after that they have no right of contact even if they saw the child every week for years.

I would have thought that the woman who gave birth is 'mother'. A step mother would be a step-mother. It's not a derogatory term but I can see why BM would be in the same way that CIS woman infuriates. I'm surprised that it's not obvious to you, OP?

I'm mum to my children. If my husband remarries, I'll still be their mum. His wife would be step mum if that's what she/they want.

You asked a question so I asked a question.

Sorry just wanted to add to the chorus of, if course being a step mum is generally not the same as being a mother.

The only context in which it is proper to use the phrase birth mum or biological mother is when that mother is distanced from their child - and in a step parenting context, where the step mother has actually stepped up to be a mother. This is only going to be the case in very few cases.

As everyone else has said, the connotations of birth/bio mum is that they are not involved in the child's life. Otherwise they are the child's mother.

This of it this way - if you as a step parent say "my step child's mother", how is that in any way less clear than "my step child's biological mother"?

It's not less clear, it's exactly as clear. So by adding birth or bio, you are giving the impression stated earlier re the connotations of those words. Because it's simply not necessary to clarify otherwise.

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

No, no one has said less human being or lesser person, and you know that. Likely to have a less significant role in the child’s lie though. (There are of course always exceptions). The mother is the mother, the presence of another woman in her child’s life doesn’t change that and so doesn’t need a ‘title change’.

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over.

Reading all the ripostes you’ve made to the responses you’ve received, I’d say you’re telling porkies and it’s not a genuine question and not something you’re stumped over.

Lesser person give over.

Sorry fuckinghellapeacock, I've parroted you there, pretty much.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

All these posters saying a step mum is a lesser person?? Seriously, in the current climate, how can one human being seriously be considered lesser than another because they haven't given birth to a child?

No one has said they are a lesser person because they haven't given birth to a child. They are lesser in the "hierarchy" to a specific child because they didn't give birth to (or adopt) them.

I am my children's mother. Their step mother is just their father's wife.

Think of it this way*

Plus sorry for the other typos - awful phone typing

Agree with @luzina on the whole. But I would understand 'birth mother' and 'bio mum' as two different terms.

I've mostly heard of 'birth mother' used in the context of adoption or surrogacy.

'Bio mum' is a term used to indicate which parent in a lesbian couple is the biological mother.

And no one is using ‘lesser’ to imply less human importance. It’s more of a family tree hierarchy: mum and dad, step mum and step dad.

In your scenario, if the step mum was being the mum in that relationship and the child was estranged from the parent, then yes birth mother could in theory be used but really, they are still just their mum.

AriettyJones, Yep, sounds like something an insecure woman wanting to be a step-mother-but-in-pole-position would say.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

All these posters saying a step mum is a lesser person?? Seriously, in the current climate, how can one human being seriously be considered lesser than another because they haven't given birth to a child?

The stench of disingenuousness is so strong that it’s stinging my eyes.