Why is the term 'BM' so hated on MN?

[Wouldyougivemeamortgage]

This is a genuine question, something I'm stumped over. Why do some mums object so strongly to the term BM or bio mum or birth mum on here? I'm not being goady.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum (not wishing to use the term and annoy anyone), there is a genuine reason to differentiate but some mums are furious? I don't understand why? It's not a term that implies anything negative, just you gave birth rather than a step mum who didn't?

All these posters saying a step mum is a lesser person?? Seriously, in the current climate, how can one human being seriously be considered lesser than another because they haven't given birth to a child?

Well you've kind of twisted that to shit. Step parents aren't lesser people, no one said that. And what on Earth has "the current climate" got to do with it?

YABU. It's really not about being 'lesser' - and if you're reading it that way, then there's some serious projection going on. I say that as a stepmother.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

AriettyJones, Yep, sounds like something an insecure woman wanting to be a step-mother-but-in-pole-position would say.

Aye

Nobody is saying stepmothers are “lesser humans”. You’re the one that introduced this inflammatory language. Other people are just responding using your words.

In a child’s life there are usually dozens of influences. Parents, grandparents, siblings, aunties and uncles, teachers, family friends, neighbours, the person who teaches them swimming on Saturday mornings. None of these people are “lesser humans” than any of the others. However, in terms of their importance to the child and influence they have/should have, there is a natural pecking order. Obviously a stepmother or stepfather is very important in most cases, but as long as both parents are an active and positive influence in their child’s life, then they occupy the top spot. That’s the way it is. There is no need to sub-categorise the child’s mother and father in order to attempt to elevate the position of a stepparent. It’s a different role. Not equally as important as a parent (in most cases), but important nonetheless.

Every child has their own mother, it's a universal truth. Sometimes children don't have access to this woman and someone else sometimes assumes the role. Beyond that situation, no prefixes to the actual mother are required.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Of course a step mum is lesser if the mother is around.

Gosh, what a narrow minded thing to say. What is the mother is around and the kids live with dad and step mum full time?

Probably the same way a child lived with the mum and a stepdad, that doesn't make him more important than the actual dad 🤨

Gosh you're nice @bubbleup. So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you?

I don’t think they mean lesser as in ‘a lesser human being’. Just that the relationship between a step-parent and their step-child is generally less involved, important, and less essential than the relationship between a parent and their child.

That might not always be the case - there will be children who are incredibly close to their stepmothers even when their mothers are still involved with their lives. They may even prefer their stepmothers. But that’s quite rare, you wouldn’t assume that it was the norm. For most children, even when they get on very well with their stepmothers, they won’t be held on the same level of affection or reliance as their mothers.

If someone is adopted, they will talk about their mum and dad - that's what they call their adoptive parents.

Their BM is the biological mother. That's according to my friend, who is herself adopted.

I can understand why others might be offended by it though.

Op, no one is saying a step mum is a lesser person but they are a lesser mum.
The mother is named on the birth/adoption certificate.

A step mum is someone who steps into that role when they marry the father of the children. If they split up, they will no longer be a step mum.

The mum will always be Mum and no marital splits or otherwise will change that

Like it or not, as Step Mum is not equal in parental terms to Mum. And the same for Dad/step Dad.

I say this not having any axe to grind as DH and I (DS’ parents) are still together

I agree @fuckinghellapeacock that it feels like a weird linguistic power play. It's a kind of displacement from full or proper motherhood.

It's obviously going to get people's backs up. And for no good reason at all. Yes, stepmums do often get loads of shit on MN. But anyone who insists on referring to the stepchildren's mother as BM is being a bit goady and asking for it.

Apart from that, it's just weird. If I needed to talk about my partner's ex and her relationship to their children, I'd automatically refer to her as their mum. Because that's what she is. Totally straightforwardly. Just as I am my children's mum. My existence in DH's life has absolutely no bearing on the simple fact of the children's parenthood.

So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you?

Oh you are clearly being goady I guess.

I think you are in a step parent or potential situation and have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about it.

I'm with the father of my children, if we ever heaven forbid split up and he got a new partner, I would not be expecting her to have the attitude you do to me as our children's mother. I would find it quite worrying.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

Look, you're still "lesser" even if their dad is the resident parent.

Gosh you're nice @bubbleup. So the woman looking after your children is a lesser human being then you??

No is a lesser parent to the child.... it's mum and dad, any additions onto that require add on names, not the original parents

Bio or birth mother implies a mother who has given birth but is not involved with their child or who had their child adopted.

This. If you've given birth to a baby but then given them up for adoption, or if you decided to act as a surrogate mum, your role WAS in their birth, but you no longer have any (or possibly very infrequent) part in their lives, hence you are accurately described as their 'birth mother'. It's a term that's clearly understood to mean that another woman has since taken over from you.

It's also a term sometimes used disdainfully and distancingly by (usually adult) children when they experienced abuse, neglect and/or extreme disinterest from their mother and they maybe have a step-mum (or aunt or older female friend) who has conversely shown them great love and compassion over years and whom they consider to have been more of a 'mum' to them than their actual mum ever was. This is their prerogative, but nobody else has the right to use this description on their behalf.

Either way, assuming that a mum is still active (or at least respectfully acknowledged) in her children's lives (or was until she died) and no acrimony has taken place, her relationship to them and significance in their lives has extended far, far longer than simply being responsible for their birth.

Calling somebody's actual mother their 'birth mother' makes as much sense as referring to your husband as your 'wedding husband'. Not strictly inaccurate, as he did become your husband at your wedding, but if you're still happily married, one would hope that the wedding was just the beginning of his marriage to you and not the sum total of its value. Similarly, you wouldn't refer to him as your 'first husband' unless you'd since divorced him and married somebody else, who had therefore now replaced him and taken over his old role in your life.

Theoretically, you could have any number of step-mums or step-dads throughout your life, but only ever one mum and dad, hence they get that simple title unless somebody else has clearly taken the role over from them or maybe they've behaved appallingly and proved themselves thoroughly unworthy of it.

I forgot to add - Biological is only ever a term in adoption/surrogacy

A step mum is a lesser person TO THE CHILD if the mum is still around and is an active parent. Even if the children live with their dad as the RP and stepmum. Not a lesser person in general.

My DS has a stepmum, of course she is less important to him than I am. He's not her child. I don't have a partner but it would be exactly the same if I did, he would be less important to my DS than his real dad.

A step mum is lesser relation to the child than its mother, yes. Birth mum or bio mum implies they don't play an active role in the child's life.

OP, do you use "birth parents" to differentiate between your parents and your parents-in-law? ... yeah I didn't think so.

@Wouldyougivemeamortgage

All these posters saying a step mum is a lesser person?? Seriously, in the current climate, how can one human being seriously be considered lesser than another because they haven't given birth to a child?

I think you are deliberately being goady now

I’ve only ever heard “birth mum” used when the children are adopted and have no contact.

I'm not even sure it is a hierarchy. It's a description of the relationships in a child's life.

So it's not that anyone is a 'lesser' anything; it's just a completely different role. I am not diminished by being referred to as stepmother to my husband's children (quite the opposite actually, as it implies an important relationship that may have some similarities to a mothering relationship - that's a pretty big accolade). But my relationship to them is necessarily different to the relationship they have with their mother.

Mothers are always mothers, whatever their relationship to their children's father. Adding any kind of qualifier to this is always going to downplay or diminish the relationship in some way. It doesn't clarify anything or have any positive effects. So why do it?

Birth mother implies 'gave birth but did but nuture', ie had little / no involvement in the child's upbringing.

Re: mum / stepmum - in MOST cases, a child will love, bond and be attached to their mum In a way that a step mum isn't. After all, a step mum is only that by association, which can change at any time.

I'm sure there are exceptions - not every mother is a good one, birth or not.

If used on a step parenting thread where there is a step mum and a mum

Pretty sure you’ve answered your own question there. BM is just unnecessary.

Surely you mean step mom and bio dad

Step parents aren't lesser human beings, what an odd way to interpret things.

They are not equal parents of the child.

They have a support rather than a primary role. The two parents of the child are that child's parents. Only parents. The two people who are responsible for raising that child.

A step parent is in that child's life because they are in a relationship with the parent. The child is really just someone who came with the relationship and is someone the step parent won't be involved with if they split from the parent. They won't be paying child support, having 50/50 , choosing schools, going to parents evenings, being at graduation... Out of the relationship with the adult and off they go. (Normally. I'm sure people have the odd story about a stepparent who was with their parent for a few years and continued to be a third parent until their death but the vast majority - just disappear.)

They are equal to any human on the planet. They can be very important to the child and much loved but they are not equal to the parents of that child and putting bio in front of mum is trying to say they are as much of a parent, equal in decisions about the child and the raising of that child and that is, in the vast majority of cases, simply untrue.

Because the child has a mum and a sm, biological or birth mother is used for adoptees.