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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 16/06/2020 12:31

YANBU.

When I am loaning someone something, I make it very clear it’s a loan.

However if I get given anything like this, I would always check before passing these things on - that person might want some bits back or have someone else in mind that wants them.

Ive just seen too many of these threads, so I would always check to avoid callings out. Not for an odd dress perhaps but for a large amount of clothes, I would.

ravenmum · 16/06/2020 12:32

Maybe she wants them for her niece, and has only just thought that she could ask you for them back.

ItsNotAGameOfSubbuteoMatthew · 16/06/2020 12:32

There is such an easy resolution to this. In the gentlest possible way OP you are overthinking this.

You need to tell your friend you weren't aware they were a loan and so have passed them on to your SIL. She is very grateful as she's struggled financially due the virus impacting her income and also hadn't been able to get out and about to get to shops. So unfortunately you're not able to return them but hope she understands they're being used by someone who appreciates them.

bluevioletcrimsonsky · 16/06/2020 12:34

And don't try to get them back from the people who you have passed them on to. Just say it's gone.

randomsabreuse · 16/06/2020 12:34

There is no way I'd be able to guarantee giving baby clothes back - babies trash clothes, I've binned the pooey clothes by accident a couple of times - put the bag of clothes in the bin instead of the nappy bag! Also stains, especially once you start weaning...

Anything I've passed on has been permanent except some cloth nappies, which are much easier to identify!

Beuelle32 · 16/06/2020 12:35

Just call her and tell her you’ve passed them onto your niece?

Twixes · 16/06/2020 12:35

I'm the same @BluntAndToThePoint80 I say it's a loan if it is and if I've been given something I would always check with the person who gave me the clothes before passing them on. You have to admit some fault with this OP.

I now never lend anything to one particular person because she's thrown out stuff I've lent her over the years rather than give it back.

YouDirtyMare · 16/06/2020 12:37

@HannaYeah

I wonder if they want to give them to someone else in their family. The mother getting involved makes me suspect that.

I think you just answering honestly and as soon as possible.

“I’m so sorry but I thought when you’d said you took out the things you wanted that meant you didn’t want anything back. I’ve used what I could and passed along/donated the rest. I can give you back what I still have.”

Then let the chips fall where they may.

^ this in a nutshell
Haretodaygonetomorrow · 16/06/2020 12:37

If she’s a close friend who you say you love why can’t you just pick up the phone and explain what’s happened to her?

For what it’s worth, I would have asked her if she wanted the clothes back or for you to pass them on to someone else in need before getting rid of them.

But if you’re close I’m sure it can be sorted out. Perhaps you can ask your brother to return the clothes once your niece outgrows them.

Piffle11 · 16/06/2020 12:39

Completely agree with @steff13 ... your friend gave them to you. For whatever reason, she claims she now wants them back, and quickly. Why the sudden rush? Why not contact you as soon as she knew your DD would have outgrown them? Is her DM involved because she’s promised the clothes to someone else? There’s no reason for the DM to be involved unless friend is embarrassed as the clothes were a gift, and now DM wants them for a family member or friend. I can’t really imagine wanting 3rd hand baby clothes: they’ll be dropping to bits/stained/faded.

Atalune · 16/06/2020 12:39

I think it’s nuts you have shed tears over IVF and no doubt other things, but can’t find the words to say, sorry clothes have long gone.

IntheHeartofTransylvania · 16/06/2020 12:39

YANBU. If it was a loan she needed to make that absolutely clear. She may have realised that she regrets getting rid of everything or now needs money and wants to sell them on. She might be upset about it. Doesn’t make it your fault, but to keep the peace I’d apologise and say I’m really sorry but I thought these were a gift as we never discussed returning them at a later point. If I’d realised I would have kept hold of them for you, but I really had no idea, so have recycled some and passed on the rest. They’re no longer in my possession – if they were, of course you could have them back.

If you can afford to I would offer to give her something for them, but simply out of goodwill – of course it’s really her own fault that she didn’t communicate clearly that it was on a loan basis. However I wouldn’t point that out to her.

dobbyssoc · 16/06/2020 12:39

@Twixes You have to admit some fault with this OP.

I don't know about you but when DS was born I was given various clothes from various friends. What was I supposed to do document exactly what people had given me? I have never heard something so ridiculous in all my life. If you don't use the words loan or borrow then there is no expectation to give them back

CecilyP · 16/06/2020 12:40

I do think you should check with the person that gave you something before you pass it on. I gave my cousin a jumperoo and baby swing. She sold them when she'd finished with them, I think she should have asked first if I wanted them back.

I think the onus was on you to tell her they were just a loan when you handed them over. However, there is much more sense in wanting larger equipment items back rather than clothes. I was loaned a high chair and fire guard and didn't assume they were mine to keep, not sure anything was mentioned but my friend was pregnant again when I returned them. It would never have occured to me to return clothes - not that much was in great condition when I got them. Also, you often get clothes from many different people so it would be hard to keep tabs on who loaned what and who wants what. The fact that the friend told OP that she kept her favourite/sentimental things suggests that she was quite happy to let the other clothes go.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 12:40

She was very poorly and can't have any more children nor does she want any. With being her friend this is something I know and we have discussed. I don't care if you don't like it.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 16/06/2020 12:40

Just be honest. Say that you gave them away. 😊

bubbleup · 16/06/2020 12:40

Her mum texted you and she's 32 Confused

That's weird.

IntheHeartofTransylvania · 16/06/2020 12:40

Good idea @Haretodaygonetomorrow

DopamineHits · 16/06/2020 12:40

some of those bits have now become special to me

But they are hers and she asked for them back.

It's a mistake not to clarify gift/loan with this kind of thing, but too late now.

ShoppingBasket · 16/06/2020 12:41

If someone gives me something I usually ask them do they want them back or is it ok to pass on to someone else before passing them on/throwing out. Generally a bag of clothes I would presume are not to be given back unless specified. However I have still asked person when finished with them. Sorry I'm not much help! I am one of those people who have kept a lot of DS clothes,first because in case of another and then because I'm a bit of hoarder 😂. I did give some clothes to SIL and asked for good quality branded ones back when finished as friend pregnant but rest she could keep or throw.

1981m · 16/06/2020 12:41

I would have asked if they minded them being passed on before passing them on. Technically they weren't yours to give away.

I would say you didn't realise, apologise and probably give her a bit of money.

mamasiz · 16/06/2020 12:41

She’s being totally unreasonable. You’re not in the wrong here at all - she never said they were on loan to you. I would message her and explain that as you were under the impression they had been given to you you have done with them as you’ve wished.

1forAll74 · 16/06/2020 12:42

Just be truthful. and say you have passed the clothes on, as you were not aware that they were just loaned clothes. A good friend would surely not object to this.

CecilyP · 16/06/2020 12:42

I wonder if they want to give them to someone else in their family. The mother getting involved makes me suspect that.

It does sound as if the mother has actually promised them to someone else. The timeframe of the next week or so, would also suggest this!

Leeds2 · 16/06/2020 12:42

I don't think you have done anything wrong, and I certainly wouldn't pay for, or replace, anything that has now gone for good.
But I would return any clothes that you still have, and that your DD has outgrown, and I would ask DN's parents to return anything she has outgrown. I would ask your friend if DN can keep anything that she hasn't yet grown into, with a view to returning it later when she has grown out of them.
There's not much more you can do. And I wouldn't feel bad about it!