Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

[InspectorCludo]

If you are truly good friends can you not just be honest with her?
You didn’t realise it was a loan, you’ve passed them on, you wouldn’t feel comfortable asking for them back?

A friend did this to me actually with a sleepyhead. I didn’t want or ask for it but she was done having children and it was in good condition and practically insisted.

I took it, wrapped it up in a bin bag and stored it at the top of my cupboard. Once my DC had ‘outgrown’ it I was about to sell it because I didn’t have the space or need to keep it and she bloody asked for it back! Thank goodness I still had it but I was confused. I said to her that I never realised she would want it back as she wasn’t having anymore and she said that another of her friends was expecting and she wanted to lend it to them.

She thought it should have been pretty obvious she’d want it back when I had finished with it - I had no idea!

[DisobedientHamster]

I'm not in a position to replace them or give her money though. And I didn't think to ask. In hindsight I would have yes. But I've had a lot going on myself too

Then you need to be honest with her. Because it's bloody ridiculous to loan baby clothes in hte first place, given how messy they can be, much less to hand them over and mention nothing about its being a loan.

I had this with a work colleague when I had my first. Brought in a bag of baby clothes whilst I was pregnant and said, 'Oh, here, thought you could use these.' I said, 'Oh, thanks.' The next day she messaged me, 'So, it'll be £50 cash.' I just wrote her back, 'I didn't realise these were for sale as was not asked if I wanted to buy them. I'll bring them back tomorrow.' and did.

Cheeky AF to do this to do this to someone.

[HannaYeah]

I wonder if they want to give them to someone else in their family. The mother getting involved makes me suspect that.

I think you just answering honestly and as soon as possible.

“I’m so sorry but I thought when you’d said you took out the things you wanted that meant you didn’t want anything back. I’ve used what I could and passed along/donated the rest. I can give you back what I still have.”

Then let the chips fall where they may.

[Poptart4]

YANBU OP. She should have stated she wanted them back. I cant stand people who 'give' things and then months/years down the line change the goal posts and demand them back.

I think she knows she is in the wrong and that's why she got her mam to ask you for them back.

Since you have been friends for years and are so close you should be able to tell her straight, "you never said it was a loan, I'm really sorry but I've passed them on". Do not tell her your niece has them as that puts your brother/sister in an awkward position.

Do not replace or give her money. If she really is a good friend shes not going to fall out over (at this stage) really used old baby clothes.

[LouLouLoo]

I do think you should check with the person that gave you something before you pass it on. I gave my cousin a jumperoo and baby swing. She sold them when she'd finished with them, I think she should have asked first if I wanted them back.

The only options available to you is to either ask for the clothes back and return them or tell your friend you've given them away.

[strawberry2017]

She's in the wrong. She should have made clear her expectations when she gave you the clothes. If she wanted them back she shouldn't have given you them in the first place.
With babies you never know what they are going to accidentally destroy with an epic Poo!
I was given loads from various people when u recently had DS, but not it's in his draws I couldn't tell you who gave me what if someone was to ask for them back.

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

If you are that close and have been friends that long what makes you think she's going to take it badly that you don't have the clothes any more?

[heartsonacake]

YANBU. Just tell her that there was no expectation that the clothes would need to be given back and so unfortunately she cannot have them back.

[ekidmxcl]

I would message saying that you no longer have them because you passed them on and say that you had no idea she’d want them back.

[RealLifeHotWaterBottle]

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner.

If this is the case, just be honest and its down to her whether she wants to make this into a huge deal. As long as your honest that you didn't realise she wanted them back there's not much you can do.

[TidyDancer]

It's not your fault she's changed the terms of this after she's handed the clothes over and they've been used. I would reply and just say as the clothes weren't give to you as a loan, you didn't know she'd be wanting them back and see what she says.

[Shrewsdoodle]

Maybe I'm missing something but it doesn't sound like this is a big issue.

Just explain to your friend/ her mum that you passed on the clothes to your sister who needed them, you're sorry you didn't realise she'd want them back (you probably should have asked/ checked if she'd need them back). Ask your sister if she can give back the clothes as your neice outgrows them and if so let your friend know. I wouldn't fall out with anyone over this...

[jaffacakeany1]

I wonder if she realises how much this is upsetting you? If so then she's really not that good a friend. Maybe just get together what you can and give her that, and tell her how upset this had made you.

[DisobedientHamster]

I wonder if your friend has spotted online pictures of your niece in the baby clothes she lent you, over the same time period she would reasonably expect your DC to be wearing those and is upset they have been passed on without any prior conversation with her

Because she gave them to her. When you give someone something, that's it, you've released it. They can do as they like with it, sell it, donate it to a charity shop, throw it out a window, use it as a dust rag.

As PP mentions above that they checked with the person before passing them on. Its a courtesy more than anything. You seem to have made the decision to pass them on rather than back based partly on your assumption that she won't have/adopt/foster anymore children. That does seem a bit cold and hurtful to me.

Then there's no point in giving someone a gift. Everything's a loan. Got an Emma Bridgewater vase you no longer fancy, do you check with the given before selling it or passing it on?

Someone gives you money, do you need to ask before you spend it?

She gave her the clothes. NO mention they were a loan.

[Enough4me]

This sounds like passive aggressiveness ('poor me you took my baby's clothes!) and not a friendship. There is a real sense that your friend wants to be put out and wants her mum to step in, rather than a simple misunderstanding.

If you get past this instance will you have to be in the wrong and apologise forever?
Will you be set-up to be wrong in the future, or your child set-up?

[bluevioletcrimsonsky]

If that happened to me, I would just give back the ones you still have. If you don't have any, just say so.
I have seen similar situation on my own country's(not UK) parenting site. Some people are just silly. Don't need to replace or compensate. If she wanted them back, she should have said so, then you had a choice not to take them.

[Dixiechickonhols]

I’d speak to her not text. She’s your friend. Say what you said here you didn’t realise a loan, you loved the clothes and were very grateful to have them and have now passed on to your niece and they are very grateful.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Are you willing to lose a friendship? If so then don't give them back.

How can OP give back what she no longer has?

If it was a loan, that should have been made clear - and OP is under no obligation to replace them either.

[Lolololololol]

My friend gave me a massive bag of baby clothes when my DS was born, as she was leaving she said "I'll have them all back when your done, because we're planning on having another ourselves" those clothes did not go on my babies back... How could I have made sure they all went back to her in a good enough condition for her to use a 3rd time? Babies poo, vommit, get food all over themselves. I didn't want to offend her, so just kept the bag, then gave it her back 12 months later...

[Enormouscroc]

Don't apologise to her because you haven't done anything wrong. Ive always felt like people were shifting their unwanted baby clothes onto me and i had to sort through the mountains of very used clothes for a few nice bits. I'm currently sorting through some of my baby's things to pass on. No one expects their stuff back unless they've specified. I'd say something like "hi (friends mum), your message has come as a surprise! [X] didn't specify that she wanted them back, so I have passed them on or got rid of the unwearable bits. In fact she said she'd kept hold of the sentimental clothes, so I had no reason to assume she'd want them back. I wouldn't have accepted the clothes if I thought she wanted them returned as it would have been impossible to keep an inventory."

[Alittleshortforaspacepooper]

I doubt she really thinks that she loaned you the clothes. It's also odd that it is her mother who has asked.

It really seems like something else is going on here. Regardless, you don't owe her the clothes so I wouldn't worry too much. You've done nothing wrong. I would probably keep your reply friendly since you have known her so long and she is a good friend, but if She reacts badly then there's not much you can do.

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Firstly its absolutely none of her mum's business, so I would totally ignore her input and just respond to your friend.

As previously said, just tell her that you thought the clothes were given to you and therefore yours to do as you please with.

I would return any you still had, and tell her you are unable to return any more. Tell her you sent them to charity when finished with.

If there us any fall out, step away, as you don't need this drama in your life.

[Apolloanddaphne]

How did she wants them back given she has not need for them. I would use one of the responses from pp suggesting you were unaware they were in loan and you have now passed them on.

[Twixes]

I think you need to try to get back what you can. You can't just assume that they were given to you to keep. You need to be upfront, kind and apologise.


I also don't like the way you mention that she can't have any more children. I reckon there's more to your post than you're letting on.

[ravenmum]

I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.
This is not clear: did you tell her that you'd given them to someone else that's still using them? If so, it is odd of her to insist. If not, then just tell her and add that if she wants, you'll ask your niece to give them back afterwards, and she'll have them in a month or two.
Or have I misunderstood something? I don't understand the drama.