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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 16/06/2020 12:59

OP you need to talk to your friend. Say that you are sorry but you gave the clothes away as nothing was ever mentioned re keeping them and giving them back. Your friend may be cash strapped and wanted them to sell on, or has gone a bit sentimental or who knows...BUT she is putting you in an impossible position. It would take a lot of time to shift through things and remember what she gave you. Give her a few bits if you can to keep peace, but be clear and polite that this a horrible situation for all involved. If she is a good friend she needs to listen and understand.

IndieRo · 16/06/2020 12:59

She gave them to you. You don't loan baby clothes. Any clothes I have given to people is because I didn't want or need them anymore. She is being mean and ridiculous.

DuckALaurent · 16/06/2020 13:00

@Evasmummy2019

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner. Which I'm used to and have learned to adapt to over the years. Her mum is lovely but often gets involved in issues my friend could probably have dealt with herself
I was on your side until you said she’s selfish as she’s an ‘only child’. Many of us only children are more than generous thanks.
DuckALaurent · 16/06/2020 13:01

My answer is that if you’re such good friends you can explain this to her. Tell her the truth and see what she says.

ScrapThatThen · 16/06/2020 13:01

People misremember, they are desperate to offload stuff then another baby comes into the family and they try to get stuff back.

ravenmum · 16/06/2020 13:04

This then puts me in an awkward situation with my brother and sister in law. I'm more than happy to give her stuff back but what I'm saying is there's not much of it left after her daughter has worn it, my daughter has worn it and now my neice has too. I'd not remember what was what and it would be stressful.
"Hi, SIL! Remember those clothes I gave you two months ago? Now the person I got them from is asking if she can have them back after niece grows out of them. I can't remember what they looked like though; have you got any idea which ones they were? No pressure, would just like to do her a favour if poss."

ButtonMoonLoon · 16/06/2020 13:05

I would have expressly asked/checked to be absolutely certain before getting rid of anything or passing anything on, but at the same time I’m surprised she didn’t state she wanted anything back before handing them over.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/06/2020 13:06

Just pretend to be horrified by your 'faux pas' and that you didn't understand it was a loan and you've given them to another struggling young mum. Gosh I hope this doesn't affect our friendship. So sorry. Didn't hear you when you said it was a loan (she didn't of course) etc.

If you lay it on thick enough she will immediately say 'oh sorry that's my fault I never said, of course I understand'

Corona madness. I have literally never heard of this before. Ask if she's ok too. If you've not had any contact with her and she feels stressed this could be her version of over thinking in lockdown - it's happening a lot.

Sweetlikecoca · 16/06/2020 13:06

@Piffle11

Completely agree with *@steff13 ... your friend gave them to you. For whatever reason, she claims she now wants them back, and quickly. Why the sudden rush? Why not contact you as soon as she knew your DD would have outgrown them? Is her DM involved because she’s promised the clothes to someone else? There’s no reason for the DM to be involved unless friend is embarrassed as the clothes were* a gift, and now DM wants them for a family member or friend. I can’t really imagine wanting 3rd hand baby clothes: they’ll be dropping to bits/stained/faded.
This. Third hand clothes come on!!
bloodyhellsbellsx · 16/06/2020 13:06

Oh dear, you’re just going to have to be honest with her. Personally, I would have asked her if she wanted them back out of curtesy before I regifted or destroyed them so I think YABU.

Twixes · 16/06/2020 13:07

We were so lucky to get pregnant finally. My friend knows this. She seemed very happy to give us all those clothes. And another thing isbwe do have 8 embryos on ice so I'll be going in for a frozen embryo transfer once my daughter is one and I've saved up a bit of money . I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.

So what you're really saying is you don't WANT to give them back?

mencken · 16/06/2020 13:07

the answer is 'sorry, I thought they were a gift not a loan so I've passed on those that are still wearable. I really appreciated the gift'.

if you lose a friend over this, just see it as no loss.

BTW after three babies have spewed and excreted over them they must be rags!

Gumbo · 16/06/2020 13:08

OP, what stood out for me in your post was My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. Could this be part of the reason behind her wanting the clothes back?

I had an awkward situation where the wife of a friend of DH offered me all of her baby clothes (her child is 3 years older). She struggled to get pregnant the first time, then had multiple miscarriages and - according to her DH - they'd agreed not to try to have any more. So when they offered me the clothes I was surprised and pleased, and they both assured me they wouldn't need them. They gave me several bags of fairly standard (think Tecso) baby clothes, which was marvellous.

Six months later she suddenly announced that she had left some special clothes in the bags by accident and could she have them back - obviously I agreed and asked for a list so I could get them back to her. The list contained EVERY ITEM - with the exception of 1 babygrow and a pair of jeans!!! I was dumbfounded, but bagged the whole lot up for her (including the 2 extra items) and returned it - clearly she was nowhere ready to give up on having a another child.

So I was wondering whether your friend may be experiencing something similar, where she isn't ready to let go? Obviously there's not a lot you can do if you've cut lots up and passed the rest on, but that might explain it?

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 16/06/2020 13:10

Just tell her exactly what you've said happened, it's her choice if she wants to lose a long friendship over a bag of baby clothes

gamerchick · 16/06/2020 13:11

This shouldn't be the head fuck it is. Tell her she should have said they were a loan, that you don't have them anymore as they were donated. Very sorry and hope she is well.

If she throws a strop then there's not much you can do about that.

gamerchick · 16/06/2020 13:12

And don't let her give you anything else in future.

Merryoldgoat · 16/06/2020 13:13

Pick up the phone. You are adults.

Tell her you don’t have them. Tell her it’s odd to ask for them (it is) and ask why her is mum getting involved.

Not until I joined Mumsnet did I realise this was a ‘thing’. I probably gave a friend 4 vacuum bags of stuff (excellent condition) and never assumed for a second I’d get them back.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/06/2020 13:14

People who do treat these gifts as a loan, so you label the clothes with the original owner? How do you keep track of it all?

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 16/06/2020 13:16

Dear Friend,

When you gave me the baby clothes they were a gift which was very kind of you and much appreciated by me. You know me well enough to know that if you had given any indication that they were only on loan I would still have been equally grateful and would returned them to you as and when XXX outgrew them.

However they were not given to me with any conditions and I have passed many of them on to others in the kind spirit you gave them to me. However, I still have a number of items and will happily give those to you, when works for you?

Best

OP

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/06/2020 13:18

I am guessing these were all designer clothes and you pretended to your brother / sil that they were from you which is why you can’t go back to them?

monkeymonkey2010 · 16/06/2020 13:19

Your friend is a spoilt and selfish cow - and you've 'adapted' to enable her?
Sounds to me like she's only a friend to you on her terms.....you know this deep down which is why you can't even have a straightforward conversation with her.
Let me guess - she's going to strop and make a big drama out of this isn't she?

there's not much of it left after her daughter has worn it, my daughter has worn it and now my neice has too
THIS is what you say to her - along with telling her you got rid of the worn/bobbly/stained/outgrown stuff.
She kept her favourite bits and GAVE you the rest - the rest have been worn by THREE babies now - and they now belong to the 3rd.
So no, there is nothing to give back .

She obviously doesn't give a shit to even consider your feelings in all this - just thinks she can make demands of you and you will naturally oblige and humour her only-child syndrome like yo always have.

stand up for yourself OP....and if you lose the 'friendship' over this then she was never a real friend was she?

Ardessa · 16/06/2020 13:19

I always give stuff away, as I hate waste. Never in a million years would I ask for it back. OP has done nothing wrong, if it was a loan, surely the friend would have said here why don't you borrow some of my DH clothes for the next few months? Perhaps your friends mother wants to pass the clothes on to someone, which is why she is now involved 🙄
Do you think your friend has an inkling you've given these clothes to you neice and is trying to test you? Maybe she's seen a photo?

growinggreyer · 16/06/2020 13:19

I wouldn't mention that you have passed to others etc as that leaves a door open for her to go on about individual items. I would say that I put the whole lot into a collection bag and that it has gone. She needs to grieve those clothes and get over it. Who knows how long this will rumble on for, otherwise.

Ardessa · 16/06/2020 13:20

Typo DD not DH 🤣

Clymene · 16/06/2020 13:20

Some people here seem to misunderstand what the word 'give' means. If you give someone something, it's theirs to do with what they like.

If you are loaning something rather than giving, you need to make that clear at the outset.

I had an (ex) friend who said she'd 'give' me clothes that her baby had grown out of. When I went to collect them, she then said that she'd like them back. I never used any of them because a) I knew there was no way I'd remember which things were from her and which had actually been given to keep by other friends and b) I knew I'd be paranoid about damaging them.

Loaning baby clothes is pointless and annoying.