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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend is asking for baby clothes back

856 replies

Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 11:49

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

OP posts:
Devlesko · 16/06/2020 12:05

You can't give them back if you haven't got them.
tell them what you have said on here.
If they are willing to fall out over something so small then it's not a friend you'll be losing.

Pippinsqueak · 16/06/2020 12:06

And just state they are being used at the moment for someone who very much needs them

stairgates · 16/06/2020 12:06

You cant give back what you dont have, let her know you no longer have them asap. For what its worth I have never heard of lending baby clothes either.

Mariposa123 · 16/06/2020 12:07

If she wants them back for sentimental reasons, couldn’t you compromise and take back the newborn things once your niece has outgrown them?

hey1234 · 16/06/2020 12:08

When my little one was a baby we were gifted some of our friends baby's clothes I always checked once mine had outgrown if they would like them back before passing them on to anyone else.
But since you can't now just explain the situation and offer to give what you can back when the baby outgrows them?

SnuggyBuggy · 16/06/2020 12:08

I'd just be honest, as no one mentioned it was just a loan you've passed them on and can't get them back. She should have made it clear if it was just a loan.

Coffeebiscuitsrepeat · 16/06/2020 12:10

Oh god, I hate this sort of thing. YANBU OP. I had something similar with a kitchen appliance, and my friend never once said "I want it back/money for it". I then received a text saying "Are you enjoying the appliance?" which basically meant "why haven't you offered money" so I just put £30 in her account and she then didn't even reply to say thanks!

If I offer to give something away, I make it very clear whether I am giving it away or whether it is a loan or I want money for it. It really isn't difficult!

foobio · 16/06/2020 12:10

I'm afraid I think you were wrong to assume you could keep them, I've been 'given' lots of clothes from a relative over the years, but when finished with them always check what she wants me to do with them, some have gone to another of her friends, some to a mutual relative, and some sold with proceeds going back to her. There is no assumption that they are in the same condition as before, but imo the value and future use should remain with the original purchaser.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/06/2020 12:10

When people gave us clothes their babies had grown out of when DS was born, I returned them all once he had grown out of them. I always assumed they were lent rather than given. If the person then said they didn’t want them then you can pass them on. I certainly don’t think you can assume they are yours, you should always ask before you do something with them.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 12:11

I'm not in a position to replace them or give her money though. And I didn't think to ask. In hindsight I would have yes. But I've had a lot going on myself too

OP posts:
Sweetlikecoca · 16/06/2020 12:11

@Evasmummy2019 I’m shocked and disgusted it’s awkward to say the least. I do think she’s a cheeky cow though your friend and her Mother!!

Why did your friends mother get herself involved??

I don’t know what to advise. I mean you can’t expect baby clothes back. Babies have spoiled nappies... food stains. Is there a deeper issue here? As it sounds *very petti
*

I would NEVER accept anything like this from your friend again that had been used.

chickadeedeedee · 16/06/2020 12:11

I hate this sort of thing. If people gave me stuff and said they wanted it back, I put it on a high shelf and never used it.

I like the first message, short and sweet. Your friend might be upset for a while but then it's a lesson learnt and you can all move on.

Ps: congratulations on your baby and your niece!

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 12:13

Surely when someone gives you something, you would assume it is yours.

OP posts:
ThisShitCrazy · 16/06/2020 12:13

@Sweetlikecoca I agree it sounds like this is the leverage for something deeper going on

SnuggyBuggy · 16/06/2020 12:13

I certainly couldn't be arsed to remember who had given me what baby clothes so I could give them back.

Snaketime · 16/06/2020 12:13

Just do as PP's have said message her back and tell her that you have passed them on to other families to use as she never said she wanted them back.

dobbyssoc · 16/06/2020 12:14

Could you message her this.

Hi, sorry there seems to have been some confusion here! I was under the impression that you had passed them onto me and once (daughters name) grew out of them I passed them on to someone less fortunate than myself. I apologise if this was not supposed to happen.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 16/06/2020 12:14

I wonder if your friend has spotted online pictures of your niece in the baby clothes she lent you, over the same time period she would reasonably expect your DC to be wearing those and is upset they have been passed on without any prior conversation with her

As PP mentions above that they checked with the person before passing them on. Its a courtesy more than anything. You seem to have made the decision to pass them on rather than back based partly on your assumption that she won't have/adopt/foster anymore children. That does seem a bit cold and hurtful to me.

Your friend absolutely should have been clear she wanted them back, but all the same I think its been a bit careless to pass them on without mentioning it to her first.

steff13 · 16/06/2020 12:15

Why is her mother asking for them back? Is it because your friend knows she didn't specify that they were being loaned?

Viviennemary · 16/06/2020 12:15

I think that unless it's specified at the time it is to be assumed that passed on clothes don't need to be returned. It seems not everyone thinks this way. So I'd do what others suggested and say that she did not tell you she wanted them back so they are now given away.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 12:15

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner. Which I'm used to and have learned to adapt to over the years. Her mum is lovely but often gets involved in issues my friend could probably have dealt with herself

OP posts:
AllNaturalIngredients · 16/06/2020 12:16

Oh no, awkward situation OP, I feel for you

Personally I would have asked my friend before passing them on to someone else, just to clarify what I thought. Presumptions to assume they weren’t a loan, unless Your friend said otherwise. However your friend didn’t communicate very well either.

All you can say is explain, give back what you can and then the rest when your niece has grown out of them.

Sweetlikecoca · 16/06/2020 12:16

@ineedaholidaynow

When people gave us clothes their babies had grown out of when DS was born, I returned them all once he had grown out of them. I always assumed they were lent rather than given. If the person then said they didn’t want them then you can pass them on. I certainly don’t think you can assume they are yours, you should always ask before you do something with them.
I don’t think OP is at fault. I’ve gave tons of things away and I do not expect them back. Somebody is going to use them. The item is theirs to keep is it not? How can you expect an item back from a child but it will have been stained/damaged possibly. It’s baby clothes FGS you can buy them all over.

There’s some things that are precious and I would obviously keep them myself.

Also if you give somebody something ITS DOWN TO YOU TO SET THE TERMS AND CONDITION since you was the original owner.

TheThirdPigWasTooClever · 16/06/2020 12:17

There’s no need to replace them or give her money!
As above, say she never said she wanted them back and they were passed on to other babies once yours had outgrown.

Original poster
Evasmummy2019 · 16/06/2020 12:17

We don't share pictures online

OP posts: