Friend is asking for baby clothes back

[Evasmummy2019]

So back in August last year while I was 5 months pregnant, my childhood friend kindly gave me 2 big bags of her daughters baby clothes. Her baby is 1 year younger than my new arrival. So all season appropriate clothes for my new winter baby. Most of the clothes were good condition aland very pretty, some were stained or bobbly or faded. But I sorted through it and kept what I wanted. My daughter has enjoyed wearing her pretty clothes for which I am extremely grateful for. It saved us an awful lot of money. My friend gave us lots of newborn, 0 to 3 and 3 to 6 months. My daughter is a very chunky girl so was out of the 3 to 6 at around 4 months old. At which time I passed on the clothes that weren't too worn or stained (threw the rest away or cut up for rags) to my sister in law who was also pregnant and expecting a girl. To which she was very grateful for. It being lockdown and all.

But now my friends mum has messaged me asking for all of the baby clothes back. My friend is not pregnant nor can she have any more children. And before she gave me the clothes there was no mention of them being on loan. Or having them back when I was done.
I've messaged my friend to confirm this and she's said yes. She does want them back. And in the next week or so. I find this really upsetting.

I could get some of them back but my neice was only born in early May so is still in them and my brother and his young family have been struggling financially during the virus etc. I don't really want to have to tell them that they need to buy all new clothes for their daughter because I need the clothes back to give to my friend. I also don't want to fall out with my friend over baby clothes.
Amy advice. Am I being unreasonable to be upset that's she's asked me to give them back. Or is she being unreasonable to ask for them back.

[ittakes2]

Just tell her the truth sorry you did not realise they were a loan so you passed them on but offer to ask for them back if she wants them. It sounds like there is something going on in her family. Tell her the truth and she might say no don’t ask for them back.

[Tootletum]

Tell her you're sorry about the misunderstanding, but you've done exactly what everybody else does. If it's a loan, that is the exception that needs to be stated. Otherwise the default assumption is they're being passed on. They're called hand-me-downs, not hand-me-backs, after all!

[Florawest]

Don't be worrying over stuff like that, but I am sure there is free baby clothes advertised always on different websites, you could get some and then pass these to your friend and if she says they aren't mine, say oh I got a mixture from few and these are all I have left, sorry but a lot were discoloured and threadbare so had to bin them 😁🙄

[Evasmummy2019]

And to be honest. We were lucky enough to get given a couple of bags of clothes from my friend at slimming world and my MIL gave us stuff she'd been collecting over the years from her charity shop. I'd not even know what was what to be honest. My house is tiny so I just donated out or threw away what I didn't need or use.
We were so lucky to get pregnant finally. My friend knows this. She seemed very happy to give us all those clothes. And another thing isbwe do have 8 embryos on ice so I'll be going in for a frozen embryo transfer once my daughter is one and I've saved up a bit of money . I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.

[FTMF30]

Thinking how I would reply if my friend said she'd given my baby clothes away that I gave to her, I'd probably say "oh right. Ok. Would you mind if I have back whatever you have left?"

Maybe she's realised she wants the clothes for sentimental reasons as she can't have anymore kids.

[FoxtrotSkarloey]

YANBU, but also you shouldn't assume. This isn't going to go away, so exactly as pp have said, you just have to apologise and say you thought she'd kept the items special to her and as your daughter has outgrown them, you no longer have them. It's up to her then if this is worth falling out over or not.

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

@bubbleup

Her mum texted you and she's 32

That's weird.

I was going to write that exact thing. Why o earth is her Mum asking you? I know you said she gets involved and your friend is an only child, but seriously?! Her mum asked you?

Did you reply to her mum?

[MrsNoah2020]

@Evasmummy2019

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner. Which I'm used to and have learned to adapt to over the years. Her mum is lovely but often gets involved in issues my friend could probably have dealt with herself

FFS. I'm not an only myself, or the parent of an only, but that's just such a a twattish thing to say. Lots of people are selfish: some of them are only children, some come from large families. Being an only child does not make you selfish.

No wonder the parents of only children feel stigmatised, with this sort of lazy stereotyping.

[ravenmum]

My friend is an oy child and sometimes can behave in a spoiled manner. Which I'm used to and have learned to adapt to over the years.
This isn't behaving in a spoilt manner, though, is it? She's presumably just decided she'd like the clothes back despite not thinking about it at the time, and thinking that you probably just have them in the attic? She has no idea you can't return them easily. When you explain why you can't return them immediately, then she'll wait the four months or so, right?

[notheragain4]

Do you know why she wants them back? Not that it changes anything really, but I'm intrigued! Her mum has presumably asked as it's a conversation they've had but she didn't feel comfortable asking herself for whatever reason, I assume, although still weird at 32 of course.

You say you love each other. If that's the case, it really shouldn't be too difficult to explain what you did with the clothes and why.

[Evasmummy2019]

This then puts me in an awkward situation with my brother and sister in law. I'm more than happy to give her stuff back but what I'm saying is there's not much of it left after her daughter has worn it, my daughter has worn it and now my neice has too. I'd not remember what was what and it would be stressful. My daughter is in 9 to 12 at 6 months so hasn't worn it for a while now

[wishfulthinking101]

I think they are wrong for saying they want them back. When you give clothes and stuff to people you surely have to give it as a gift and write off that you will ever get it back? Seems strange to me that they have requested them back and think you should just say that you passed them on as you wasn't made aware they were on loan!

[NotIncandescentWithRage]

@DisobedientHamster

I'm not in a position to replace them or give her money though. And I didn't think to ask. In hindsight I would have yes. But I've had a lot going on myself too

Then you need to be honest with her. Because it's bloody ridiculous to loan baby clothes in hte first place, given how messy they can be, much less to hand them over and mention nothing about its being a loan.

I had this with a work colleague when I had my first. Brought in a bag of baby clothes whilst I was pregnant and said, 'Oh, here, thought you could use these.' I said, 'Oh, thanks.' The next day she messaged me, 'So, it'll be £50 cash.' I just wrote her back, 'I didn't realise these were for sale as was not asked if I wanted to buy them. I'll bring them back tomorrow.' and did.

Cheeky AF to do this to do this to someone.

@DisobedientHamster

What did they say when you returned the clothes?!?!?!?!

[Cherrysoup]

Just be honest, tell her you gave them away. You can’t keep the neutral bits you have, you should give those back. I’d like to know why she wants them, tho.

[Pleasedontdrawonyoursister]

Sorry but those who suggest messaging the friend when you’re done with it - that’s ridiculous. I had my son 18 months ago and I’m not joking I had at least 5 friends hand me bags and bags of stuff at different times. Sometimes I would return home to bags of clothes on the doorstep. No way am I going to remember who gave me what!

I do however ask at point of drop off - what would you like me to do with the bits I don’t need (wrong season, size etc). No one has EVER asked for items back. Same with any bits I pass on to friends, it’s there’s to do with as they please.

I would be honest with your friend. As a pp suggested I would ask if there are any specific outfits she was hoping for and see if you can locate them. Aside from that it’s tough luck, baby clothes don’t last forever - they won’t be in the same condition now they have been worn by another baby and washed multiple times. People can be very precious about baby clothes and the memories they hold (me included... so I kept a few special bits back)! If she’s a good friend she’ll be ok about it even if she’s a bit disappointed.

[Tigersneeze]

you sound like you're desperately avoiding a conversation with your friend. just text her! PP message is perfect:

Hi (friend)

First of all thank you again for your kind gift of the baby clothes (whenever it was). At the time you did not state there were conditions attached to it and you wanted them back after a certain time. Since then I have sorted and re gifted the clothes to those who needed them after (your child) grew out of them. Are there any specific items of clothing for sentimental reasons you would like back and I will do my best to find them.

[CrazyTimesAreOccurring]

Just say to DB and Sil that when neice is finished with the clothes you friend wants them back. What is awkward in that?
I think you are worrying far more that this merits. "Sorry friend, I will get back what I can, when I can, but some I binned and other things have been given away"
They can like it or lump it!

[Jaxhog]

Be honest with her, and say that you thought she'd given them to you free and clear. Offer to give back what you personally still have, once you have a chance to replace those your DD is still wearing.

It does seem quite an odd thing to ask, but then some people think a gift is a returnable thing. (They are wrong)

[LochJessMonster]

Why is this turning into such a big deal.
You don’t need to write a formal letter, literally just reply and say ‘I’m sorry I didn’t realise you would want them back, I have passed them onto my brother to use for my baby niece’
She must also expect some items would not survive 2 children and so have been thrown away.

[TerribleCustomerCervix]

You're assuming your friend will end the friendship which seems very dramatic

My old childminder once fell out with a long-standing friend over a missing VHS tape of Calamity Jane. People are petty as fuck.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

I'd like to keep a couple of the grey and neutral baby bits that my daughter had worn incase we are lucky enough to get pregnant again.

Regardless of anything else, I think you're in the wrong if you do this.

The other stuff maybe you can argue that you didn't know she wanted it back (I would have asked before passing it on but clearly not everyone agrees) but you know now that she wants the clothes back. How can you insist on keeping what you do have? You need to at least give those back to her.

[ratethesenames]

It's bonkers to ask for baby clothes back. Everyone I know seems to realise that when stuff is completely worn out it gets binned, good bits get passed on or donated to charity.
The only baby thing I made clear was on loan to my friend was my expensive breast pump and I made it clear it was only a loan.

[KaTetof19]

This doesn't need to be dramatic, just message your friend with one of the many variations on the thread.

She gave something away with no conditions attached, some of it wasn't even wearable. Those items have either been recycled or passed on now your daughter has outgrown them. Most people don't have reams of storage space to just hold onto stuff "just in case".

The longer you wait before replying, the more anxious you'll feel. She's really not a friend if she kicks off about this. It's not like you profited from selling the clothes which would be a different matter entirely.

[Sharkerr]

Reason I voted YABU was because you should have really discussed whether it was a loan or a gift when they were first offered. She was BU too for the same reason. You’re both BU.

But what’s done is done and I’m sure you’ve learned a lesson that in future the terms need to be declared upfront.

I hated it when people would try give me baby clothes and then say they wanted them back. Just no. The amount of hassle it’d be to keep them separate, remember which cheap sleepsuit was from who and which was one I’d bought myself, when you already have a lot on your plate. I’d always decline unless it was a gift.

Even more cheeky though are the people who offer stuff and then when it’s been accepted say what payment they want. They’re relying on you feeling too awkward and cheap-looking to say ‘actually I won’t bother then’. They know exactly what they’re doing!

[Sceptre86]

If you are such close friends you should be able to speak to her. Tell her the truth, you thought they had been gifted to you and passed them on once your baby could no longer fit in them. Apologise if you want and say that you were not aware it was a loan of clothes. There is nothing unreasonable in what you have done. It would have been polite just to check with her before you passed them on but it is done now. If she decides to lose contact with you over this then she wasn't such a great friend anyway.

My sil wanted to give me a few jackets when my son was born but said she would like them back when she fell pregnant ( wasnt pregnant at the time). I politely refused the clothes to save myself the hassle of trying to remember what she had given me as opposed to the gifts other people had given me. My sister is expecting and would quite like to have my dd's nicer dresses if she has a girl but I would only give them to her to keep and not as a loan.i would probably only give her the party type dresses and coats and would take out anything that held sentimental value. As it stands we want to try for another ourselves so I will be hanging onto my kids clothes until then.