New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

Don't answer the phone, you need and your partner need to manage this now before facetime becomes daily visits at bedtime

She sounds very lonely whilst also overly excited to have a grandchild.

Why don’t you stop answering the phone so much when she FaceTimes but send her lots of videos of your baby so she can see him smiling and still feel involved?

Are you completely mad? Why on earth are you answering the phone to her? She's completely taken over. Just stop. She doesn't need to be present for every moment of his life! What is going ro happen when its safe for her to visit is she going to move in?
Bonkers.

Stop answering phone. Send pics and videos.

You need to set boundaries and keep to them. She can facetime x times a day for 30 mins (or however frequently you want) at a certain time.
What's going to happen once life starts to return to normal and you start going out to baby groups or playdates? You aren't going to be face timing then. It will get harder to enforce those boundaries if you let her get into a routine of constant face time.

Shes obviously excited about being a grandmother but she needs to rein it in. Try to be gentle but at the same time let her know what is and isn't acceptable to you.
Oh and ignore the comments about your mother. She doesn't get to dictate when you can set your family.

She sounds deranged. I know that people are lonely and want to see new grandchildren but her behaviour is nuts.

Stop answering the phone, set a time a few times a week (at most) when she can FaceTime you and her gc.

As for your Mum, just ignore that ridiculous rant from your mil

You will need to get your dh onside to back you up, I can't believe you had to tell your dh not to entertain a late night FaceTime. He needs to understand that he needs to have your back otherwise this will escalate

That’s unbelievable, even by Mumsnet MiL standards. You must nip this in the bud now or life’s will become unbearable. Your partner needs to speak to her and explain in no uncertain terms that she’s going way OTT and is in danger of driving a wedge between herself and his family. And for goodness sake after that stop answering the phone any more than once per day when it’s convenient. She’ll soon get the message. You are both going to need to be quite tough to deal with this. Good luck!

I’d be turning FaceTime off

Fuck that. Stop answering. Answer once a day when its convenient for you. You need to enforce your boundaries or she'll trample all over you. And surely she shouldn't have been close enough to kiss him, unless you're not in the UK 2m still stands doesn't it?

Stop answering the phone and telling her ds' every movement. She will get to see him one day and needs to be patient

You don't have to answer.

She needs a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge and you need to grow a spine

You need to stop putting up with this because she's not going to suddenly start behaving. She sounds nuts though I feel for you.

Why are you enabling her behaviour by answering the phone? Tell her it's too much! Also, if she ignores you again about things like kisses - pick your baby up and go home.

She sounds like a nightmare but you need to make some boundaries otherwise it will get worse after lockdown.

This would drive me up the wall OP! Have a chat with your partner. Agree on what seems reasonable to you in terms of number of FaceTimes etc. Then stick to it!

45 minutes of watching someone blow raspberries where you can't escape and are actively facilitating it by holding baby up to the camera is ridiculous, mil or your own mum.

The phrase 'Thank you for your opinion' is very useful. Acknowledge what someone says and then ignore it, no matter who it is.

Its not compulsory to answer. She needs a reality check or a lobotomy.

Give he a time to call you and face time. Then block her on face time outside those times.

Tell her very calmly that your mum will see your child as much as is acceptable to you and MIL does not get to dictate to you about it. And if she tells you your mums not important laugh in her face and say well the important people to a baby are mum and dad obviously.

I would say shes 'just excited' but she sounds demented. My MIL was delirious with excitement when I had DC and gets worried that DC won't remember her but she is so thoughtful and clearly cares about DC so much.

Your MIL is being ridiculous. She needs pulling up each time she is rude or crosses a line.

she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

This is a sideways point and it's probably not relevant. But why is it that so many overbearing arseholes like this persist in talking about themselves in the third person? WHY?

This is seriously disturbing behaviour and you are daft to let it continue. She doesn't get to tell you how to raise your child and disrupt your lives so much.
You and husband need to make a stand and tell her she can ring once a day and you will be ignoring any further attempts to get in touch. If you don't put a stop to it now it is jut going to get 100 times worse when lockdown is over.

Hi everyone thanks for your messages and advice.

Of course I have already speaking to my partner about this, it’s ended in an argument. He is very close to his Mum and seems to think it’s normal she rings this much and says it’s because she feels like she’s missing out. I understand that! But I still say to him it’s not ok to ring so much but he gets defensive over his Mum and doesn’t listen to what I say. It’s caused a bit of a rift unfortunately

Also to the 2m rule comment - we were following guidelines but unfortunately she couldn’t help herself and came over and gave him a kiss.

What does your man here think of his mother's excesses of behaviours?. You need to speak to him and both of you need to present a united front. Does he support you fully here with respect to her or is he the sort who says, "well you know what she is like?".

Where are your boundaries at here with regards to his mother?. They are so low here as to be almost non existent, his mother knows this of you here and has indeed taken full advantage. You should not keep on answering the phone to her to begin with.

Christ, she sounds awful. YANBU at all, I wouldn't want to live that way.

But it is really up to your partner to step in and set some boundaries. It's a pity he won't do that. I think you may have to keep challenging him on it.

I’ve tried saying to my partner but he doesn’t listen. She FaceTimes his phone and he answers, I don’t. When he works as he’s gone back part time she tries to ring me but I ignore it

Definitely stop answering the phone, or give her 5 minutes.
Also you need a severe word with your OH before he ends up an issue too!