New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

Do not visit her home again; if you do meet up you're going to have to meet outside any home.

Your partner has grown up with this woman so regards her behaviour as normal. His own inertia and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will also play a part here in not seeing what she is really like. Sadly you will not get his full backing therefore from you. BTW you do not mention a FIL figure here; where is he?.

If your partner is ok with it then let him deal with it. You don't have to answer and you have to make that clear or tell her that she can call you every few days for 15 minutes and no more and that you won't be answering her more than that. You are not unreasonable at all

Your DP needs to learn to say 'no. mum'. No excuses, no explanations, just 'no'. If he wont'...well, in the immortal words of Mumsnet

(all together now)

'You have a DP problem, not a MIL problem'.

And fgs stop answering the phone to her. If she keeps ringing, text and tell her you're busy, you'll call her back later (or give a time).

All the bullshit about 'having to be equal' with your mum..the woman is obviously lonely, but this would be a step too far for me.

She sounds very strange.

I agree you have a DP problem though. If he is unwilling to lay down boundaries, this will be neverending.

You are going to have to get tough with him; this sort of thing from a man who is spineless in front of his mother can and does end relationships.

He cannot or will not deal with his mother so you are going to have to. Who is your man's primary loyalty to; you or his mother?. Also ideally he would far rather that you all got along so that he does not have to deal with mother at all. I think he would far rather upset you than she because he is at heart very fearful of her, far more than he is of you. This is also where his fear, obligation and guilt comes into play.

It's very sad for her that she feels she is missing out, but to be blunt, her sadness is not your responsibility and assuaging it cannot be your priority. Your child is not there to make his grandmother feel good.

Agree with PP. If your partner can't see any issue with this then step back. Hand the whole responsibility for maintaining the relationship lock, stock and barrel to him. If she calls your number let it go straight to voice mail, so that she gets used to calling him instead. Keep out of her way as much as possible and enjoy the peace.

I've long since done exactly that. You're under no obligation to carry out Wife Work OP. His circus, his monkeys.

Wow, what will she be like after lock down? is she going to live with you?

Something very similar happened with my MIL when I first had my child. This was prelockdown and she would physically try and wake DS so she could interact with him. She would also call and text incessantly and be obsessed with him remembering her.
I ignored her calls and she eventually got the message but she still obsesses about DS not remembering her.

Your partner is the problem here, he keeps answering her calls. Agree on how often you’ll answer FaceTimes with your partner. If he’s not listening you block her number and he can deal with his mother. If they wake the baby then you go and leave him to settle the baby. If he’s not willing to put boundaries in place, though, you’ll have to spell it out to her directly which won’t go down well but for your own sanity you’ll have to do it.

Block her and save your sanity.

YANBU. You need to instigate clear boundaries with her. You tell her when you’ll accept FaceTime calls and for how long—you don’t need to give a reason for this—and if she calls outside of that you don’t answer.

Don’t entertain her requests and let her know that if she can’t be trusted to follow your rules when around your son then she won’t be able to see him at all.

People like this need firm, clear boundaries and you need to stick to them—no exceptions—all she’ll take advantage and continue to walk all over you.

Oh gosh. Well your dp sounds nauseatingly in her apron pouch still. You should look forward to her moving in with you soon. Make plans to move back to your dm.

Madness. YOU are the parents, YOU set the rules. You really must not tolerate this “I’m his Nanna, I’m allowed” crap - whatever the rules you have set for your child, she needs to follow them if she wants to see him. His bedtime is your choice.

Something along the lines of:
“I’m really glad that you’re so excited about our DS, it’s so great that you want to be involved with him and I think that will be good for him. But he is OUR (don’t say my! You’ll regret it if you do) child and we will be the ones making the decisions. I’m afraid if you won’t stick to rules we have, then we won’t be able to visit you as often. Please don’t kiss him, and don’t ask us to keep him up when he is tired. We will decide what is best for him and for us as a family unit”

I know that sounds really firm, but she’s not going to get any better! It’s kisses now, but it’ll be car rides without a car seat, sweets just before meals and ten million other petty annoyances with varying levels of consequences. She won’t like you for setting boundaries, but the only other option is for her to get her way ALL THE TIME and it will be so destructive for your marriage.

Yes, her behaviour is very over the top, but your DH is the baby’s father and this is his mother. If he wants them to have a close relationship and see each other a lot, why not if he manages it ?

Unless there is something the pair are doing to the child’s detriment (such as kissing or waking the baby up) I’d be letting them get on with it personally.

He is the baby’s father and it’s up to him to manage the relationship with his mother and have an equal day in decisions regarding your child. Let him take the calls while you can go and have a bath, do some jobs etc...

I’d ignore calls to my phone and if he’s on a mega long call with her and you need / want the baby for something like bath time, feeding etc just take him making it clear you do not want to be filmed doing these things and your DH can call back later if he wants.

He’ll soon get sick of it and/or be unable to keep this up when life returns to normal.

In the future, Keep a coat by the door and be popping out to baby classes if she turns up without proper agreement if you’re on your own. She’ll soon learn to make appointments with your DH after a few wasted trips.

And agree with your DH a plan for how to deal with actual visits in the future, but I’d be giving a bit of leeway for catchup visits once lockdown is lifted.

You need a word with you OH now. A strong one and if he says but she is my mum point out you are the mother of his son. Your MIL's behaviour is not healthy or normal. Can you maybe have a word with her if you OH won't? Just tell her that you appreciate she loves her grandchild but please back off a bit, that she is being overbearing and it makes you not want to see her. You know your son best, tell her when the best time is for her to facetime him once a day and if she gets bored later at night when he is asleep she can phone and speak to her own son instead.

The rules you can set easily.

No the baby can not be woken up,
No the baby can’t talk it’s dinner time

All the other times, DP wants to answer the phone DP can deal with her, hand him the baby and go and have a nap.

When furlough is over and he is back at work she’ll soon get the message

Someone asked about a FIL, my partner doesn’t have his Dad around and nor do I so both our parents are on their own.

And also to the moving in - she’s ‘joked’ saying she will be moving in for a week when lockdown is over.

It feels nice speaking about how much it bothers me... my friends have visited me on the door step and she’s kicked off about them. Very passive aggressive comments how people other than her are seeing him.

She tried coming to my house on my birthday and said she isn’t interested it’s my birthday and she wants to see her grandson. I just wanted the day with my baby and partner.

It’s so unbearable!! Me and partner have argued about it. I’ve bit my tongue with it the last couple days but the kissing really annoyed me. I told my partner it annoyed me she kissed him and he didn’t seem bothered.

The funny thing is though I know if it was my mum acting like this and kissing him he would go mad

Can't you post your DP back to his MIL for a few weeks?
He'd find her suffocating and you could just just get on with answering phones at reasonable timings and choosing who physically touches your child.

She sounds bat shit crazy and to try and dismiss your mother that way just because she's got other GC is ridiculous.
You need to try and resolve this now because come Christmas your going to have a whole other issue.
I would strongly suggest you start the tradition of spending Christmas at your own home and give her a day where you will spend it with her otherwise she will try and monopolise every Christmas for the rest of your life!

Stop answering the phone or leave it to dp to deal with. Find something else to do with baby while MIL's on phone, not every time but sometimes.

Don't allow MIL's jealousy to curb your mum's contact. You need your mum (and by the sound of it you're likely to need her a lot more in the months to come). It's sad that your MIL has to shield but that's not your fault or your responsibility - sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.

Ignore anyone who says it's unfair that your mum gets to see your baby and that your MIL doesn't. Not your problem, don't take it on.

People like your MIL need a very firm hand. She is pushing your boundaries - pushing pushing pushing. However hard you try to include her, capitulate, defer to her, it will never be enough. It's a game you can't win. My MIL wasn't so bad but the constant guilt tripping and pressure really wears you down. You give an inch, they take a foot. Fortunately it started to get on DH's nerves too, and we both agreed on the "you can't please everyone so you may aswell please yourself" approach to life. The in-laws constant griping is water off a duck's back now, but sadly now our DC are adults they've refocused their guilt tripping onto them.

Oh lord, sounds horrendous.
Made worse that your DP doesn't see the problem. And so he becomes the problem.

Unless you and DP can reach a mutual understanding this is going to be a horrible, never ending battle!

But you are going to be painted as the bad guy in her eyes, the family's eyes and probably DP's too. Even though it's her who is behaving bat shit crazy.

Your MIL's behaviour is not healthy or normal

A lot of people’s behaviour isn’t healthy or normal right now. We’re not living in healthy or normal times. First grandchild, lockdown, too much time on her hands - it’s not a great cocktail, is it? There’s no way I’m defending her but it’s not difficult to understand.

You need two strategies here that you agree with your partner, OP. One for life as it at the moment and another when we return to a semblance of normality. If you hand all responsibility for dealing with her to her son, you can’t complain if you don’t like the way he handles it.

Show your DH this thread.

She sounds unhinged. Stop answering her calls and reclaim your life!

I think it’s time for him to have an honest chat with her because this level of obsession isn’t healthy for her either.