New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

FUCK that - you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable! As somebody who's had MIL boundary issues (although not with kids... yet), the best course of action is to put your foot down. Equally, you don't want it to be an issue with your husband, so my advice is to compromise, but only on your terms.

Stop answering the phone - or only answer once in every three instances.

Tell her that if she insists on kissing him, particularly during the lockdown, then she can't hold him. And if she keeps kissing him, you'll be holding her personally responsible for anything he catches.

Tell your husband that if he isn't going to stand up to her with you, that you'll be putting a lock on your bedroom door, and taking the baby in there when she facetimes. You're a team and he should be on your side now.

Also, how dare she say your mum isn't as important?! I'd have lost it at that I'll be totally honest. You must have the patience of a SAINT!

So she wants the camera pointed at baby while you are feeding?
I'd have lost it by now.
All it takes is a few "DH get that camera away from my tits!!"
DH can answer the calls all he wants but he doesnt have the right to stick the camera on your boobs for MIL to see. Stand up for yourself. Shes going to have to just deal with it.

I will never ever understand why relatives think it is at all acceptable that a baby breastfeeding or bathing is on a video call. I bottle fed (got loads of passive aggressive comments on that but that's another story) but identify with the bathing thing. MIL was home on "holiday/help" when baby was 3 months till 6 months and it was a battle at first about video calling all her relatives to show him off while bathing.. she just wouldn't get it. Till DH scared her by saying social services would get involved and it is not allowed.

First thing, sort through her behaviour, pretend it's your mum doing it and decide what you feel is 'reasonable' if it was your mum. Don't say "Mum wouldn't". That's not the issue. You're trying to figure out what you can 'tolerate' and what you can't and why. That's your basic 'level of acceptable contact'. Yes, I realize there may be some things that you might be fine with around your mum, like BF, that you might not be comfortable with MiL.

Once you get that, then since your DP won't rein her in, you will have to 'enforce' the contact that directly affects you and/or negatively affects the baby. Don't answer the phone if you don't want to, do refuse to take the phone if he tries to hand it over, do take baby out of the room if BF or having your own time for interacting, shut the bedroom door when settling in for the night or naps. And tell your DP exactly what you are doing and why. And that he is NOT to disturb you and/or the baby and NOT to ask you to 'interact'. Otherwise, let him deal with her, sit in front of the screen with her for hours, go for walks with her. He'll probably get bored pretty rapidly without you there to 'take the heat' off him.

But above all. Don't marry him.

”The funny thing is though I know if it was my mum acting like this and kissing him he would go mad“

Would your mum be willing to mimic your MIL’s behaviour for a couple of weeks, @Megan1995? Maybe he will appreciate the point you are making if he is shown how irritating it is.

OP, you need to say NO clearly and quietly and then remove yourself from the room.

Your MIL will get worse, not better. She will ruin your relationship, given half a chance so make it absolutely clear to your DP that you will not be facetiming late at night or when feeding or whenever else she demands. In fact anything MIL demands, the answer is automatically no.

When she learns to observe appropriate boundaries and respect your wishes, you can rebuild the relationship but until then she is harassing you and needs to be stopped.

Go to your mum's if she tries to move in, to make the point clear. Tell your DP to grow a backbone. And whatever you do, don't marry him until he cuts his umbilical cord.

Oh - and if your dh says his mum will be coming to stay for a week after lockdown, tell him in no uncertain terms that, if she does, you and the baby will be going to your mum’s and HE can explain it to his mum!

Thanks everyone. I have tried to talk to my partner about it a few times the latest one yesterday when she kissed him

I dont think he will ever say a bad word about his Mum. Everyone who says don't answer the phone, it's not me who is answering it. If I go out the room my partner tells me I'm being rude he just says, oh were close , she wants to see the baby. Its resulted in arguments when I have mentioned it - starting to think i will have to just put up with it now

@Megan1995: no, you don't have to put up with it. You keep firm boundaries and tell him: no, I will.not talk to your mother more than 2x a week. No, you will not wake the baby up.

It's not about you being unreasonable. You are setting healthy boundaries for you all. This isn't going to do anything for your mental health.

Also, if my DH woke up my child, just so his mother could see him, I'd be kicking him back to live with his mother.

If he started slapping you, would you just have to put up with it? What if he refused to do anything with the baby? Or withheld money? Would you just put up with it?

No. And you don't have to 'put up with' his mother either. Put your foot down. Let him get annoyed that you are being 'rude'. Just tell him, firmly, that his mother is being ridiculous.

Was he always like this?

starting to think i will have to just put up with it now

You really don't. I would put money on you not being with your DP in 5 years' time if you don't enforce some boundaries now. I guarantee it will get worse not better.

You are not happy with this level of intrusion and that should matter.

YANBU. You need to establish boundaries fast. Even without Covid you’d need to do this.

Omg I totally understand you! The video calling is unbearable!

We dont have family in the UK so my kids get a lot of video calls. And they dont end it in like 15 min it goes on and on until we have to say awkward bye 🙄

Your MIL is crazy and is trying to control your child's day and yours too as a parent! This is not normal and if you are a first time parent it can be very invasive when you are trying to figure out everything.

Ask DH to handle her calls her needs as grandmother if he cares so much. I assure you he'll get tired of it too, its draining!

If I go out the room my partner tells me I'm being rude . Bloody hell, him and his mother are the one's being rude.

Your poor mum will be pushed further and further away if you don't put your foot down now.

You could try and set some rules with your partner but in a sneaky way.

Like mid morning suggest calling his mum as this will go down well. Then get across that you will not FaceTime whole feeding. No way. It is not rude but important time for you and baby.

So give a little then take control back. You don't have to say anything bad about his mum but set your boundaries. You will regret it so much if you don't.

YABU for not having any backbone!

What are you going to do when lockdown lifts and you find she has a room kitted out as nursery as she is expecting baby for sleepovers and your DP doesnt say no? Your on a slippery slope if you dont stop this now....I cant believe she feels she is more important because your mum already has GC....says alot about her tbh. If it gets tough I would take your baby and go to your mums...

@sunflowersandtulips50

What are you going to do when lockdown lifts and you find she has a room kitted out as nursery as she is expecting baby for sleepovers and your DP doesnt say no? Your on a slippery slope if you dont stop this now....I cant believe she feels she is more important because your mum already has GC....says alot about her tbh. If it gets tough I would take your baby and go to your mums...

This is spot on & very valid.

Come on OP, start sticking up for yourself. You're being controlled by your partner and his Mother.

Please do not put up with it OP. If he says you’re being rude, bite back and say they are being rude for thinking it’s ok to wake a sleeping baby for their entertainment, or they are being rude expecting you to have your breasts on camera while you are feeding, it’s rude to think it’s ok to interrupt me and baby multiple times a day! Say it nice and loud so both can hear.

Let them think you’re rude and be a bitch if that’s how they want to see it, just as long as they learn you will not accept this behaviour. As others have suggested, you can always say if boundaries are not put in place you will be staying with your mother until further notice.

She sounds awful, actually. And knows far too much about small details of your lives, and is allowed to invade your space far too much through her calls.
Time to get assertive, OP. She is being rude when she complains about your mum and your friends. She should not be pestering the baby while you breastfeed. You will need to set your boundaries and insist that your DP, first of all, respects them.

You do NOT have to put up with it.

If your partner is not willing to put his child’s and your needs/feelings first then he’s not worth having.

Have a full and frank discussion about how this impacting you and your child and if he’s not prepared to change bin him.

Wow she sounds overly annoying and you need to put her in her place! Your baby your rules! Stop answering calls to her and say you are busy with baby. Say your phone was on silent not to wake baby so you missed her calls. I have a baby and my phone is always on silent so it doesnt suddenly ring and disturb him whilst he is asleep or I am breastfeeding him

I would hand over baby to DH EVERY TIME. go and have a bath, go for a walk. Start to use it as your time, definitely take advantage of your sop of a partner. When u are breastfeeding, absolutely do not put up with FaceTime nonsense, bloody hell. If your DH wakes the baby up for FaceTime, then he has to get the baby back to sleep, go out if you have to. Start treating this as a game that YOU WILL WIN!!! Get some backbone, you could probably start to get some servers pleasure that your DH is having to put up with it x

then come back and tell us how you are doing x