New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

Hi everyone. Its been a few days since my original post, I'm sure no one is that bothered but I thought I'd update.

I spoke to my partner about it, probably didn't word it best but I said if he doesnt sort his Mother out I'll be finding somewhere else to go with the baby. He didn't take it well and said I was pathetic for wanting to split up a family

I got very upset, understandably, and while crying my eyes out ! Explained why his Mother is annoying me so much. He seemed to understand then

Ever since hes toned down answering her calls. I dont think hes said anything to her, she still tries to ring just as much but hes avoiding them, hes not answering the FT and just going and ringing her in the garden over normal phone saying either we are both napping or hes having a bum change etc so were busy

Hopefully she will start to get the hint

Thanks everyone x

Such a difficult situation for you but well done on speaking up, stick to your guns on this. As others have said, boundaries have to be set.

I understand that you don't want to leave him and let's face it, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do on a practical level. Some people on here use "LTB" as a default option without any real critical thought to what that may involve.

So could you try a different tack? Tell DP that she can call him as often as she likes but your only boundary is that you won't be filmed while feeding. As such if she calls during a feed either he doesn't answer or tells her to calls back.

Then, when she calls during non-feeding times, you leave them to it. Have a bath, take some me time (which lets face it is bloody hard with a newborn), do some chores, start cooking a meal. I'm sure there's loads you can find to do!

You can be clever about it, keep popping in and out so you're not being obviously rude, but just use that time to do the things that you want to do.

Then DP has to facilitate EVERY ridiculous inane call. Trust me, he'll soon get fed up when he's spending several hours a day listening to his mother blowing raspberries!! He'll then put a stop to it himself - problem solved

Your DP has to realise that you and your child are his priority now, not MIL. Good to hear it has got better. Keep putting your foot down. You have all the cards, if you could only realise it.

Hope it continues getting better for you. Good luck.

Well done OP. That must have been hard but you did the right thing. I hope things improve for you now.

Tell your partner that when he answers his Mum he is then taking over the parenting of baby by himself for whatever length of time she is on the ph looking for the 'performance' from baby. She sounds like a nightmare. He needs to take the brunt of it to see how intrusive & annoying it is. It is ridiculous how OTT some ppl become as GPs. I know two at least who are so over-involved & speak about GC almost as though they have no-one with half a brain parenting them.. except the GP who knows best of course. I'd say their children are driven demented by them. One obsessing abt a toddler getting bullied by older sibling... it is nothing of the sort except the run of mill family dynamic...but to her it is near life & death & she has a take on it & what parents should do, everything high drama & competing with other more normal GP (who is then classed as 'odd' or 'not-interested') ...it is very very attention-seeking.

Fuck this shit OP. Put your foot down NOW!!!

Ah sorry just seen your update! Great news. You did the right thing asserting your boundaries!

It's not normal and deranged and obsessive. Your partner needs to set clear boundaries with her right now. Show him the thread.

Sweetheart, I also grew up without a father and I have zero regrets because he was useless. He wouldn't have added anything to my life and my mum and I have a brilliant relationship. I also only had one grandparent, my maternal grandmother, and she was all I needed.

I don't think your relationship is going to work out and I beg you not to stay with him just so your son has a dad and gradma. The only people he needs in his life are the ones that put him first.

Finally! He’s starting to support you. Don’t let him slip back to the insanity. Phoning multiple times a day is ridiculous and unsustainable, as well as very wearing on the nerves. If you’re feeding or getting him to bed, no way should your DP answer the phone. I hope he continues to support you. Mention post partir to him, he needs to allow you time to breathe, feed, get your baby into a routine and not create extra stress on you.

Thank God he seems to have got the message. once he's back at work at least you'll have more control. it might be partly she's bored and lonely and thinks she's missing out on the new born stage but I suspect this will ramp up once she's allowed out. please continue to make it clear what you're comfortable with and don't let her erode your boundaries with tears and tantrums if you don't comply.

I am glad he finally listened OP

I'm a few years further down the line from you. My MIL went absolutely nuts about DS when he was born, visiting every weekend, expecting him to stay over, at one point she even asked us if she could have DS to live with her and we'd visit him at weekends "to save us on childcare costs"!!!

9 years later and she has zero interest in him or DD, sends a crappy card with a fiver in for Xmas and birthdays and that's about it. If she visits us she tries to do it during a school day so they are not around. It's almost like she burnt all her enthusiasm at once and has run out now!

I really hope he changes too op, I am so glad you spoke it him though, and stand your ground, you are totally right

Makes me glad my mil stuck to her guns. Before met dh she had always told him she didn't want to be a dgm. True to her word she never bothered with ds. We moved away 5 years ago and haven't heard a peep..
Bizarrely pre ds she heavily invested in MY dc...
Odd or what?

Well done for standing your ground OP! I’m glad he seems to of taken an understanding. Keep firm on this and hopefully she will get the hint eventually

That's really good news. He now understands that he cannot expect you to accept everything she throws at you just so he doesn't have to stand up to her.
Try to use this time to establish a new routine of contact with her that doesn't overwhelm any of you. It should be a lot less than it was before with some well understood ground rules around feeding and sleep times and your right to decline sometimes.

Wish my MIL had as a bit more interested. Perhaps not that much but be careful what you wish for. My MIL hasn’t even spoken to my DC once during lockdown. Despite me trying. Just not interested. It breaks my heart. They are in touch with the other GC that live closer.

Does she have an iPhone/pad? If so you make shared albums from the photo app. I much prefer it to WhatsApp as you don't get replies or messages like oh I should be able to see him. People can like / comment like social media but it's a private album just for the people you invite. I prefer it as while MIL can comment about needing to see him soon I don't feel pressure to reply like a WhatsApp!

That's a first step on his part. And hopefully he'll come to realize that ignoring her constant calls is actually giving HIM some peace and quiet from her demands, too.

So glad for you. It's lovely having family involved but what is doing I would find suffocating. Hopefully you'll be able to put a healthy distance between yourselves.

@Seahawk80

Does she have an iPhone/pad? If so you make shared albums from the photo app. I much prefer it to WhatsApp as you don't get replies or messages like oh I should be able to see him. People can like / comment like social media but it's a private album just for the people you invite. I prefer it as while MIL can comment about needing to see him soon I don't feel pressure to reply like a WhatsApp!

Yes I do I have a Google drive album. She wants to see him smile rather than see photos of him doing it 🤦‍♀️

Glad you've got him to see sense. I don't like confrontations OP but sometimes there really isn't any choice.