New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

You are doing this to yourself op.
Just don't pick up the phone!!!!
Also tell her that you will not
Be calling her when you go out for walks.

Set some boundaries. And get your husband in on it. 2 a week calling. 30 minutes. Whenever it suits HIM/You and not her.

Fuck she sounds beyond annoying

The kissing is beyond the pail for me and I would have drawn the line then and there.

She doesn’t actually give a stuff about your sons interests, only her own, if she’s willing to risk transmitting disease to him.

If your partner is not agreeing then HE needs to take responsibility for facilitiating his mother not you. It’s not the woman’s job to do everything for the in laws too.

boundries to suit you, dad and dc sooner rather than later otherwise if dh is so tied to his mum's apron strings you will lose the battle as he will eventually side with her and make you the bad guy.
tbh unless this is sorted a.s.a.p you might well be on here in 6 months asking for advice on your ex and contact arrangements. i,for one would be as i would not tolerate playing second fiddle to anyone when it came to my marriage.

This is crazy behaviour from your MIL. I guess it will be hard to deal with,if she is one of those types of MIL, and also that your partner is somewhat on her side. But it's over the top manic behaviour, and very annoying. All you can do,is tell her to back off a bit, which may cause her to throw a tantrum whatever, but so what, you need to have some peace from her odd ways.

Your MIL sounds obsessive and overbearing - does she have no boundaries? Is your DH such a mummy's boy he can't rein her in?

You need to get this under control soon as it could be ten times worse after lockdown as she'll be showing up in person and demanding her granny rights.

OK the kiss is bad and you should make sure it doesn't happen again. But sine this is all on your partner's phone what is it that bothers you quite so much? You already said when she calls your phone you don't answer, so what is the actual problem.

The "equal granny time" is batshit but understandable but as PP said as long as she isn't actually bothering you (because you are bf or changing a nappy or something when she interrupts) why is it a problem. (Frankly 45 minutes a day holding a phone so my mum could blow raspberries would have lasted precisely 0 days with me, your DP must be very patient. And bored)

Having said that - if this is just the start of an interfering parent (assuming you're the same about your own mum) and your DP just letting her do what she wants, you do need to make your feelings clear to him. But the baby has 2 parents and you do things differently.

You've got a DH problem, as the saying goes...

Is she single? Would you consider bubbling with her? Might drive you barmy though by the sounds of it.

This is a DP problem. No -I and we need to bond with him. She can phone at 3pm for 30 minutes. That's it. She is having her children again through you!

I'm not one to comment on screen time, but I'd personally assume that a baby spending 30m every 2h on facetime is not interesting for the baby, and might be why he isn't sodding laughing.

She is nuts.

Why not get your mum to do this for a few days and let DP go mad - then perhaps he will understand what you are putting up with.

You need to be much firmer OP.

Your baby not hers.
I am a gran who always took my lead from my DD
It is their turn, or your turn.

And she will probably drive the little mite nuts when they meet up.......he might not like her at all!

How does your DH feel about his DM behaving this way?

I’d go with leaving your DP to talk to his mum when she calls every 2 hours. If you’re busy with the baby, just don’t make yourself available. And tell your DP to leave you alone.

There are no circumstances under which such frequent video calls could be acceptable.

There could be all kinds of trouble ahead if you don't nip her in the bud!

Feeding DS too many sweets, unsuitable foods, whatever to get his attention on her.
Which makes her pathetic . She also has to learn to share with your DM

Babies can be over stimulated too. They need some quiet time for their brains to grown seriously. Not constant faces at them to induce performances. ugh

Your partner is as batshit as his mother. The baby is not a toy for her self-serving amusement, the baby should be sleeping, not being woken up for her on command. You're going to have a LOT of problems if your partner doesn't take his balls back from his mother, cut the apron strings and grow up, and nip his mother's malicious and self-absorbed behaviour in the bud right blooming now! He is a father now, he should start acting like one. And putting his child first, not his mummy first. What happens if the baby catches Covid or something as bad? When his mother feel guilty at all? I doubt it. Would your 'D'P? I doubt it. They both seem completely selfish and oblivious to anyone else's needs, including your needs as the mother of the child. He is supposed to be a family with your and your DC. Not his mother anymore. His loyalty is to you and DC. If you don't sort your 'D'P out and make him grow the heck up and cut his mummy's apron strings, you will have this battle for 18 years, where you are putting DC first, and his father is putting him (and you) last, and mummy first.

He needs to make a choice; you, his partner and mother of his child, his DS - or his mother. If he won't get his balls back from his mummy and start acting like a mature partner, adult and father, then you and DS might be better off going it alone.

I am with you to a certain extent but why can't she kiss her own grandchild ?

@Brefugee She said MIL expects the baby to be woken up on command, even at midnight. That is not fair on the baby, OR the mother.

The funny thing is though I know if it was my mum acting like this and kissing him he would go mad

So why are you allowing this man-child who is still attached to his mother's apron strings to call the shots in the your life?
He doesn't have a healthy relationship with his mum - so he doesn't see any of this behaviour as abnormal.

I'd just pick my child up and walk out the room when she keeps ringing.
You will also need to re-evaluate your relationship with him if this carries on - he isn't supporting you or dealing with his mum and this WILL cause further issues.
As for 'moving in for a week' - hell no!

I’m sorry but I’d hand the baby over to DH and go get a cup tea (or strong whisky) and let DH deal with her calls

If it’s over tea time, let his go cold.

Make him deal with it until he’s peed off!!

It’s the only way

This is insane! You and your partner need to have therapy together so he can understand how unhealthy this is. How was she before the baby was born?

sorry @Timekeeper1 i missed the bit about MIL demanding they wake the baby up.

OP - put a stop to it. Give a time - say Wednesdays 4-5pm - where she can face time with her son and the baby, and tell her to get in the sea for all other times. And that the baby will not be woken up ever if it's asleep.

So happy none of my DCs grandparents were like this.

I had a similar experience with my mum. She wasn't as bad as your MIL but i still found her behaviour very stressful. In th early newborn days she got into a habit of phoning me whenever it suited her, I wasn't really doing much at home so it wasn't really a problem. As my DS got older and we started to do more activities outside of the home (activities which were timed sessions - toddler groups, swimming sessions, library activities etc) she would continue ringing me at random times expecting me to abandon whatever plans I had that morning/afternoon, if I tried telling her that I was on my way out she would lay on the manipulation "I'm only phoning to see how you are?" - she had no respect for our daily routine.

I felt as though the situation was becoming a game of control and manipulation to her - she was controlling in other ways too. Eventually I went low contact to no contact and life has been much less stressful.

Please nip this in the bud now. Her FaceTime calls are already encroaching on your day to day life and it will only get worse. Keep on with not answering her calls (unless it's convenient) if your DP does insist on answering then you get on doing your own thing with your DS. Don't let her disrupt your plans - something tells me she would enjoy doing that.

To the person who asked why it bothers me - I BF and she rings and blows raspberries while I’m trying to feed him. I don’t want to be filmed doing that, she demands we ring when he’s awake, and stays on the phone so long we hardly get to see him awake. If he’s on his gym when she rings she’s asks for him to be taken off so his full attention is on her. She’s trying to get my partner to wake the baby up at 12am when we’re trying to get him in a routine. She rings when he’s having his bedtime feed and getting read a story. Screen time before bed? I don’t think so. That’s what annoys me. No I don’t answer the phone when I’m on my own yes, but every 2 hours? Really? When me and partner are trying to adapt to be new parents she’s like that constantly? Surely you can see why that is annoying.

To the person who asked why she can’t kiss her own grandchild - I’ve read many stories about people kissing babies. Passing disease etc, unknown cold sores. Babies have died in these stories I’ve read and they’ve all come from kissing the baby. Also there is a KILLER VIRUS floating about and my MIL is high risk. She could of had it and n not known about it and is just willingly kissing my son. Plus he’s my child and I make them decisions

@malificent7

I am with you to a certain extent but why can't she kiss her own grandchild ?

Presumably because of covid, lockdown rules etc rather than anything else.

@malificent7

I am with you to a certain extent but why can't she kiss her own grandchild ?

Hmm I think maybe you haven't been watching the news for the last few months?