New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

Tell your dh and mil to pack it up. Their behaviour is ridiculous. If they won’t listen I suggest you take your baby to your mother’s and don’t return until they promise to treat your baby like a human and not a doll.

OP what you need to do is keep his mum out of the arguments ... ultimately this isn’t about his mum it’s about your boundaries and how comfortable you are.

So keep it simple

I’m not comfortable showing my boobs to anyone
I’m not comfortable waking baby for anyone
I’m not happy to answer the phone to anyone at the moment

Keep her out of it and set your boundaries with your husband

No @Megan1995, you don’t have to put up with it. You tell your partner that things have to change.

I waited many years for my husband to stick up for me. My MIL got gradually more and more controlling of my life, and whenever I tried to have a conversation about it, ExH said ‘what can I do? It’s my mother’

We’re divorced now and my life is sooo much better without the two of them controlling me. It started out like yours, demands with how I spent my time, what my house looked like, which friends could come over

OMG...her behaviour is not acceptable or normal. Maybe she is behaving in this extreme way because of Lockdown and she is just really lonely at this time, if she is shielding because of the Corona virus. I think you and your partner/husband need to set some ground rules for her. It's just not acceptable for her to be calling you every few hours. Maybe just send her a few photos of your baby every day instead of the calls and face timing and just do face timing at weekends? You need to talk to your MIL about this.

So your DP is answering the phone everytime she rings and doing what she asks? Madness. If she facetimes when you are feeding be very stern and say NO. If he ignores you and points the camera I would say "Stop it, leave me alone" and then get up and WALK out.
What a colossal knobhead your partner is. Be clear with him - keep this up and MIL will be seeing lots of DS - because you'll be living with her!!

Stop feeling obliged to put your activities on hold when she calls. Just carry on with your everyday life with your baby.

If he needs changing or feeding, take him and do it, away from the phone.

If you want a cuddle, pick him up and cuddle him.

If he's asleep, ask your DH to move the phone away so the noise doesn't wake him.

Do it all in a cheery matter-of-fact way which reflects how reasonable it is for you to look after and interact with your own baby.

When she objects just tell let her know when would be a more convenient time to call then try hard to make him available for just that time.

If your DP tries to stop you, suggest that he needs to decide whether he lives with you or his DM.

Take control. Your DP does not have the right to expect you to live your life around his DM's demands for hours of every day.

Keep leaving the room when she answers, just keep doing what you were doing. If your dh complains just say you haven't got the time to spend an hour watching mil blow raspberries at your dd. Tell him you've made your position clear and if he wants to facilitate the relationship in this way then that's his decision.

However I'm not sure I could do that. This is your dd and you are her Mum, you call the shots. This will cause issues though. Especially as your dh doesn't have your back

You need to phase it down. Don't answer every time she calls. And if my parent or in law suggested waking my baby for their entertainment I'd tell them to bugger off. I know lockdown is hard, but this isn't about that. It's about overstepping the mark, and yes, she is being downright selfish and rude.

The more bad behaviour, the more I would scale it back.

The phrase 'Thank you for your opinion' is very useful.

I like this.

I think you need to get a grip on this with your DP now as it will become a big big issue for you when he returns to work FT and you have to deal with her on your doorstep all the time.

Send her a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers, magnificent on her doorstep. She'll ruffle through the blooms to find a card. On it is clearly printed:

FUCK OFF

sorry this is no help but is an image I summon every so often when anyone irritates me so much that I want to scratch my own eyes out.

Hi guys after all of the advice on here today I decided to try and have a serious word with my partner.

I told him I didn't like all what MIL is doing and that I want her to tone down the facetimed and her ordering us what to do. He basically told me I like it or lump it and I'd better get used to his relationship with his Mum because it's not gonna change and be wants the same relationship with his Mum and DS.

I just smiled and nodded, cant be bothered arguing. I'm tired, been a lot to take in having a new baby in lockdown and having the extra stress of my MIL.

I probably sound like a pushover... just not worth arguing with the father of my child really... I will just try and avoid the calls and deal with it

Thanks for all the help everyone x

You need to tell him to go and live with his mum.

Sounds like he could do with a FUCK OFF bouquet on the doorstep, too.

What an aggressive, petty little man. Sorry you are going through this OP.

If facetime with mummy is what he wants, then facetime with mummy is what he gets. Leave him to facilitate the extended raspberry blowing sesh (ffs) and go and have a snooze.

Your partner is as stupid as she is. Sorry, OP, but no one would put up with this shit. I would tell him to move in with her.

At the very least, I would make myself conspicuously absent from now on. But yes. His attitude stinks.

I would have told him he can fuck off back to his Mummy's.
Don't put up with it or she'll keep getting worse. Tell her no when she FaceTimes your DP and stuff it if they think it's rude.

No, your DS won't have the same relationship with her as he does, because your DS isn't her son. This needs nipped in the bud OP, it won't get any better. I would not be putting up with this crap. I couldn't talk to my mum that much every day, never mind dp's, and I certainly wouldn't expect dp to put up with it. God I think I would pack his bags or leave after that telling off conversation.

OP there’s a reddit group called JUSTNOMIL, go and have a look on there and you’ll see what this might turn into. It’s definitely a battle worth having and tbh, I’d probably move with the baby to your parents and tell your husband he can carry on that level of closeness if he wants, but you and your son won’t.

God you have a nightmare on your hands!!

Yikes.. you have a DH problem not a MIL problem. How can she have the same relationship with your child?? That's just weird and creepy

I’d probably move with the baby to your parents and tell your husband he can carry on that level of closeness if he wants, but you and your son won’t.

Or this.

She will be inviting herself to stay at this rate, and he has made his feelings plain.

I'd be making my feelings pretty plain to both of them. You're the mum and what you say goes.

Ouch. Well you have your answer. You put up with your mil treatment if you and your dc or you leave.

The one thing you've got going for you is that it's lockdown, because god knows what she'll be like when she can come over.

You're tired and nobody can inside that you fight this. However, this is not a healthy relationship and you are setting yourself up for a very unhappy life if you allow it to carry on.

He is bullying you badly because he thinks you don't have the resources to leave. Once you have confirmed that by staying and complying with his DM's wishes, he will probaby escalate the abusive behaviour.

Give this some thought. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

And also to the moving in - she’s ‘joked’ saying she will be moving in for a week when lockdown is over.

This will definitely happen unless you out your foot down. You think face timing multiple times a day is annoying? Wait till she "comes to stay for a week" and doesn't leave.