New parent annoying MIL

[Megan1995]

Hi,

I had my DS 3 months ago, not long before lockdown started. My son is my partners Mums first grandchild and before lockdown she only seen him twice.

Ever since lockdown, I’ve found her unbearable. She FaceTimes every 2 hours, ignores me and my partner and just blows raspberries down the phone to my son. We’re on the phone for 30-45 mins a time.

She says that we need to ring her when we go for walks, when he’s in a good mood so she can see him smile, when he’s in the bath so she ‘doesn’t miss out’

She’s told us that he should have belly chuckled by now and has said we are not playing with him enough and trying to make him laugh enough (we are)

She is high risk so we haven’t been able to see her as often. My own mum, who has 4 other grandkids has been to my front garden and seen him more than she has through lockdown. My MIL said that my mum shouldn’t be allowed to see him until she has seen him enough then they should be allowed to see him equally. She also said my mum isn’t important because she has other grandchildren.

We went to her back garden yesterday to sit in the sun. I’ve made it very clear I don’t want anyone kissing him. So she kisses him and she could tell by my look I weren’t happy, she says ‘his Nanna is allowed to kiss him’ even though I don’t want people kissing him.

He didn’t smile for her while he was in her garden, but did for us. 10 mins after we left she FaceTimed and kicked off that he was asleep.

She has also complained about us putting him to bed too early as in 8/9pm, because she gets bored at that time and wants to facetime. She’s also tried making my partner wake my baby at 12am so she can speak to him over FaceTime. I told him not to let her FaceTime late at night.

Am I wrong for being annoyed ?

I really wouldn’t show him this thread, he won’t want to hear his mums mental and he’s still on the tit.

Wtf. She sounds unhinged!

What’s stopping you from implementing boundaries so that the relationship works both ways?

Tell you’re DH when he’s prepared to have his genitals on video to his mother you’ll consent you feeding on camera

He’s a dick

This is absolutely ridiculous. I can't believe anyone is defending what she's doing. How has someone voted yabu?!

You have a DP and a MIL problem.

I don't know what to suggest to do if he can't see a problem with it though. It honestly would drive me completely up the wall. I had pnd with my first and there is no way I could put up with this.

That sounds absolutely awful. If it has to continue (and I really suggest to try and stop it before lockdown ends) then make sure your phone "breaks" because there is no way I'd be doing that level of interaction with her or anyone that wasn't your DP. Ensure it's his phone she calls. Tell her "oh I get really busy these days so I've come off social media" to cut down the interaction opportunities! Good luck because I really think you will need it.

Tell her you will FaceTime her on certain days and keep to it.
Keep her involved in your child’s life but make it clear how much, but do send her pics and videos, they mean the world to us grandparents.

God I hate FaceTime at the best of times but basically 'popping in' and demanding attention several times a day?! I would have put a stop to this after the first day. Your DP needs to start caring about how you feel as much as he does about his mother. Otherwise your relationship is doomed, quite frankly.

I bet your partner doesn't hang around for the duration of the calls either so it's you doing all the work

@Fluffycloudland77 he won’t want to hear his mums mental and he’s still on the tit.

I think it's exactly what he needs to hear (read).

I go have a shower /bath or go do something in another room when my mil calls and leave it to my husband to deal with. If it goes on too long (which it often does) I leave it to my husband to calm our dc down. This was the only way I keep calm. I now actually enjoy when mil calls as I get some time off peace

You need to stop allowing her selfish behaviour.

If your DP answers her FaceTime when you're breastfeeding just leave the room with DS.

If she complains about other people seeing him then say "the world doesn't revolve around you" and change the subject.

You have to be firm with DP now too, and tell him straight that if he continues to let his mother behave this way then it will cause a lot of strain on your relationship. Your baby is the priority and having him brought out to perform whenever she wants is unacceptable.

Sadly if you and your DP arents aligned her expectations will get worse when lock down lifts and your relationship will become strained further with your DP. You need to have a frank discussion with your DP, he needs to know her expectations are excessive and need to stop. Explain it is causing a rift in your relationship. It isnt a competition and your baby isnt a toy.

OP I really feel for you, this sounds unbearable. How are you and baby suppose to have a routine If you are constantly interrupted! I am pregnant with my first and I am nervous my in laws will be a bit like this (although I can’t imagine it would be to this extent), however they have tried very hard not to be overbearing so far so I hope that will continue once baby has arrived!

I know you’ve tried already, but I think it’s important to try again to get your DP to understand. Turn it around on him, e.g how would you like it if my mum called you every 2 hours, you would be upset if it was my mum kissing our baby, how would you like it if every time my mother calls I show her your private parts, etc. If it were me I would bluntly point out he is putting his mothers needs over the needs of you and his son. I would also be putting my foot down and say there will be no more contact until she can respect your wishes regarding YOUR child. I would also point out how her comments about your own family is incredibly upsetting and quite frankly nothing to do with her.

A 12am call is inappropriate at the best of times let alone her demanding the baby to be woken up (at any time!). Your child is not for her entertainment.

Your DP can call her once a day at a time that is suitable for him and baby, while you go off for some me time and not be present on the call.

If it was my DP who was like this and decided not to stand up to his mother, I would be having words with her myself.

Nightmare. Found my mam used ring at dinner time. I ignored it. Think boundaries are needed. God she sounds quite needy.

Also there is a KILLER VIRUS floating about and my MIL is high risk. She could of had it and n not known about it and is just willingly kissing my son

To be fair, if she's high risk, it's because if she gets CV-19 she's likely to be very poorly indeed and not be able to just pass it on to your DC from kissing. I think you may be getting a little over anxious on that one. New parenthood will do that to you!

The rest, yep, she's crazy.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Also there is a KILLER VIRUS floating about and my MIL is high risk. She could of had it and n not known about it and is just willingly kissing my son

To be fair, if she's high risk, it's because if she gets CV-19 she's likely to be very poorly indeed and not be able to just pass it on to your DC from kissing. I think you may be getting a little over anxious on that one. New parenthood will do that to you!

The rest, yep, she's crazy.

Hmm maybe but surely you can understand me being extra paranoid and anxious when I have a newborn son born during a pandemic wouldn’t want anything happening to my DS so got to be cautious. I’d be like that with anyone even if they weren’t high risk and surely that is understandable x

OP, If DP won't put his foot down with MIL, hand the phone over to him, plonk the baby on his lap, and go and do something for yourself! Have a bath, have a cup of tea in the kitchen, take a nap!

DP will get the message when it's him holding up the phone for raspberry blowing multiple times a day!

"Oh, it's your mum calling! It's you and baby she wants to see! Have fun!"

You have a DP problem.

Your boyfriend is pathetic, why did he get a girlfriend in the first place if he’s so obsessed with his mummy? If he won’t prioritise you and his kid, won’t defend you, dismisses you, I don’t see what you can do. This will be your life for the next 10 years, until the kid is old enough to not pander to that creepy woman.

Could you actually get your mum to play a crazy lady for one day and get her to behave exactly like his mum, or pretend at least so everytime he goes to the loo go and interrupt him saying your mum wants to chat stuff like that. Try and get him to see how intrusive it is?

If she was constantly slobbering over him I might see your point but I think a granny giving her newborn grandchild one kiss after three months of isolation is forgivable.

As for the constant FaceTiming - ignore it. Put your phones on mute and enjoy some family time. When you choose to answer don’t let her stay on for hours. ‘I’m going to hang up now -see you soon. Wave good bye to Granny D.C. Byeee’.

Also, high risk doesn’t mean she is at greater risk of contracting the virus. It means she is at greater risk of developing serious complications from it. She is no more likely to catch it than you are.

[quote Timekeeper1]**@Fluffycloudland77* he won’t want to hear his mums mental and he’s still on the tit.*

I think it's exactly what he needs to hear (read).[/quote]
Yes, his mother's behaviour is absolutely not normal, and he needs to cut the apron strings like now.

And if by chance he is reading?

Mr OP, you need to pull your head from your arse and grow up fast.

It is not in your child's best interests to have your mother in his face all the time. It is certainly not in your child's best interests to be woken from sleep just to entertain his grandmother.

Your child is NOT a toy for her entertainment.

I am a mother in my 50s, and know a lot of other mothers/and grandmothers. Your mother's behaviour is NOT normal.

If you want to remain in a loving relationship with your partner and child, then remember that their needs come way befopre your mother's wants.

@Quarantimespringclean

If she was constantly slobbering over him I might see your point but I think a granny giving her newborn grandchild one kiss after three months of isolation is forgivable.

As for the constant FaceTiming - ignore it. Put your phones on mute and enjoy some family time. When you choose to answer don’t let her stay on for hours. ‘I’m going to hang up now -see you soon. Wave good bye to Granny D.C. Byeee’.

Also, high risk doesn’t mean she is at greater risk of contracting the virus. It means she is at greater risk of developing serious complications from it. She is no more likely to catch it than you are.

It’s up to me whether I want someone to kiss my child and I don’t want anyone to. Plus MIL is a smoker who doesn’t brush her teeth after every fag so I’d rather her not kiss my child.

What does your DP do when you’re feeding & she calls?

What does he do at bedtime & nighttime feeds?

What was his response to the 12am call?

Surely he doesn’t think any of this is appropriate?