To not want to be a Nan

[Notanan]

Name changed for this as it might be quite outing.

Suspect iabu but who knows.

So dh has three older children daughter 25 and twin sons age 22. Me and DH have two daughters together (8 & 10).

SD came over a few weeks ago and told us she is pregnant, lovely news, she's in a very long term relationship and they have their own house, decent jobs etc.. DH shocked but very happy and looking forward to being a grandad even though a fairly young one (he's 52).

The thing is is that now everyone especially dh keeps saying "oh now your going to be a Nan" when I say they keep saying it I mean constantly, I think half the time it's a joke because I'm younger than dh (40) but dh isn't joking and keeps calling me "Nanny ....". I got fed up of laughing it off or just saying no I'm not and today I just told him to stop saying it because I'm not going to be a Nan and I don't want to be a Nan which has really pissed him off! He asked why I was being so nasty (didn't think I was) and I just said that SD isn't my child so I won't be her babies grandparent, I will be a Grandparent when either of my two children have babies. I feel like becoming a grandparent is a very special thing and I want to be a first time grandparent to my daughters children (if they have children). SD has a Mum who she is very close to so I don't feel like I'm denying this baby a grandparent, it will have 4 of those and I will just be known by my name.

So AIBU? Do I have to be a Nan?

I think you're fine OP, do what makes you feel comfortable personally as long as you are polite to everyone else.

I get you OP. I think I'd feel the same

I think YABU being so weird about it with your husband. If I were him I'd be thinking you didn't really see my daughter as family still, and that would give me pause. Thinking about your SD's mum is nice but ultimately you will be fulfilling a 'grandma' role in the child's life and I think if you really put your foot down about refusing to be seen as such it'll cause a big divide and probably hurt feelings. I'd also, if I were your SD, feel like you were picking and choosing - your biological children get to say they have extra siblings, and the joy and bonus of extra family there, but her child doesn't get that bonus?

I had six grandparents growing up as my mum's parents both remarried before I was born. Neither 'step' grandparent had been in my mum's life until she was 17/18 (so long after you were in your SD's life) but they were there for Sunday dinners or school plays etc etc - they were grandparents in everything except blood. It wouldn't have occured to any of us for them to have been 'Grandma and Bill' etc.

Yabu but I will say, we pushed back on calling DMil boyfriend grandad and actually I regret it now. There’s not much to do during a pregnancy and lots of excitement which can cause conflict, when a few years down the line it just doesn’t seem to matter. Everyone is susceptible, not just the parents!

Oh I meant yanbu sorry

If you don't like the name 'Nan' or anything similar, you don't have to use it. My ILs refuse to be 'Grandma/Grandpa' or anything similar. They're just known as 'MILs' nickname/FIL's name' to our kids. We found it kind of silly to object to being called grandparent names but had no problems with it, so maybe not SD's kids you can be 'Notanan' but be Nan or Grandma to your own grandkids?

@Quartz2208 100% yes to everything you have said, thank you for trying to understand where I'm coming from.

It's been weeks now of dh saying Nanny for everything and I finally snapped at him which I probably shouldn't have done but I had asked him to stop a hundred times and also being told that I don't have a choice in what I'm called is actually quite annoying.

You are making a massive deal out of it. Do you want some of the attention sd and the baby are getting?

Op to be fair, the title of your post literally says that you don't want to be A NAN, insinuating you don't want to be a grandparent to your SD's child!

I do understand how you feel OP. It isn't accurate, you're not actually the baby's grandmother so it feels awkward.

My oldest son's friend has two children. His children call me Nanny Thigh because my son's friend doesn't have his mum in his life. If he did have his mum I wouldn't get called Nanny.

At first I felt a bit awkward but I understood how important it was to my son's friend to have a Nanny figure in his kids' lives.

I'm on the fence, it's a privilege really and although I understand you feeling awkward I think you have to go with the flow.

I’m imagining how I would feel if DH married a younger woman who was then called grandmother to our grandchild. Eek!

I think you are being respectful of the real grandmother and that she will be glad about this.

I don't want to be a Nan to my Sd's baby I just want to be known by my name

Gosh - so many bitter and nasty bastards on here!
OP - you most definitely are NOT being unreasonable!
YOU get to decide what name the child knows you by - and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

If you'd come on here and said the opposite "i want to be known as Nan but DH/DSD refuse"....you would have been accused of overstepping boundaries, that you have no right to use that label, that it's all DSD's decision.

The child will have 4 biological grandparents and i doubt DSD is going to allow her step-mum to have the same title as she gives her mother.

However, the child is going to need a label to understand your position in the family....so you could do what lots of others in your situation do and have a pet name that the kid can call you by?
I used to call one of my uncles 'Pops' instead of 'uncle'.....or Nanny 'X'?

Be a Grandma - sounds less old...

Oh then you have a DH problem! He should have stopped the first time you said you didn’t like it.

I'd be so sad if my step-dad said he didn't want to be a grandad to my daughter :(

Given the propensity for step parents to be sidelined, there are lots of women who’d give their eye teeth to be in your position. You’re a precious idiot.

I would imagine the other 2 grandmothers would be nan/nanny/granny so why don;t you just be nannie-whatever your name is as a compromise? Or talk to your SD and tell her that you realise the other 2 will want those names so you are happy to be just your name? I suspect your DH is just winding you up so just ignore him

I dont think you sound horrid but if you say to your SD that you dont want to be known as nan or grandma etc then it could cause a lot of offence that just wouldn't be worth it..
Are people winding you up a bit because you're so young?
When you become a grandparent 'properly' what you are called by your stepgrandchild will not make that any less special.
I'd go with the flow on this one OP but up to you of course!

I understand, however you chose to marry a man who had older children - so you bought into this package - honestly, you need to grow up a bit and be supportive to your family, not feel a bit 😦 about a terminology to describe what you sort of are - albeit your step grandmother ... feel proud that you've got new babies comjng and you're involved

You can choose your name, start thinking about it now. You could be gran, granny, nan, nanny, grandma, plus all sorts of other variations. Check with all the others. You can add your first name so you are 'granny Sue' or whatever.

Unless you want 'stepgran Sue' which would be weird......

Stop being grumpy, and enjoy! xx

I'm 41 and the thought of anyone calling me nan is actually a horrible thought, I'm far too young to be a nan 😂 Jesus, the horror. I think your dh just pushed you and you may have said it a little harshly a simple "Look you might be fine with being called Grandad because you will be a grandad and honestly you are significantly older and have grown children. I won't be a grandparent, I am only 40 ffs and my kids are young and I am in no way ready to be a grandparent. It can be Grandad & Fi and that will be fine" and say it to your SD too, I would be totally fine & understanding

I don't let my kids call dads wife nan tbh I dont like her however my kids call mums husband grand dad. Just isolate your self from her and baby if not keen u prob wont see it much anyways I see my dad maybe x2 a year?

Also my oldest will be 20 when I'm 40 and youngest 15 so I wouldnt be happy been a grandma lol

Whichever way you cut it, you are putting yourself before a child that will be part of your blended family. Is that really who you are? If it is, it sucks to be you.

I've got ten step grandchildren. They call me whatever they and their parents are happy with. Two sets call me grandpa, another calls me grumps and the others call me by my name. Makes no odds to me as long as they are happy and loved. Point of fact, two of my step-grandkids are staying with us through lockdown. They've just been through to say goodnight and one of them called me "grandpa poopy pants". I was too busy enjoying a cuddle and laughing at her fit of the giggles, I completely forgot to be offended.

Blended families are as a hard or as easy as you choose to make them. Put the needs of children first and you can't really go wrong. You're making it unnecessarily hard for all concerned and I can't for the life of me understand why.

My mum found a new partner when I was ten. I struggled to call the step grandparents Granma and Granpa (because my mother had moved on too fast and I was still suffering the trauma of a terrible divorce) even though they had told I was more than welcome to. The whole family welcomed me with open arms and were amazing.

However if I was being born into your family and that was all I'd ever known it'd be really odd not to call you Nan/Nanna/Gran etc. It would probably make a small child wonder why, not understand your reasoning and feel not good enough for you. You really do sound pretty unreasonable and not overly nice.